Random Rants and Reflections

The End of One Path

2010-01-13T22:02:00.001-08:00

And the beginning of another path--well, really, two. Yes, I'm finally winding down this blog. It's hiccuped and rolled along with me, during good and not-so-good times in my life, helped me get more clarity about the kind of writer, and the kind of person I'd like to be, and most importantly, helped me to communicate with many people that I otherwise would never have met, seen or spoken to over the years. In addition, writing this blog has helped me deepen otherwise casual relationships with people I've met off- and online, and helped us exchange ideas that our normal everyday interactions might not have allowed us to. This blog was my introduction to blogging, and it's done it's job.

And so have you. Thanks for reading, and join me on the next phase of my writing journey, as well as at another blog I'm starting about my process of trying to live more 'green' and sustainable as a woman of color.

Thank you thank you thank you for reading my random rants and reflections. And I hope you'll follow along as I embark on my new adventures!

'Tis the Season: Reflection

2009-12-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

My birthday is this time of year (December 30th for the calendar-slaves among you) and for the last several years, in addition to celebrating by going out dancing, drinking and / or eating with friends, I've also taken time to wind down at the end of a busy year, look back on what I've done and haven't done, and reflect. Being a Capricorn, this time of reflection is important for me, because we are so goal- and achievement-oriented that we can sometimes lose sight of the big picture. Going inwards, ironically, helps me get more clarity on what my external work in the world should be. As this beautiful poem, by Rafael Jesus Gonzalez, accomplished poet and my first creative writing teacher, describes, we Caps are always searching for the inner core, the 'cardinal point' of the earth. We're always searching for deeper meaning and purpose.

I will be winding down this blog soon--this may be my last or very close to last post. I've talked about it before but am definitely doing it this time. After five-plus years of writing this blog, it's time to move on. I will be starting a new blog about the sometimes painful, often confusing, and at times joyful process of be(com)ing a writer, so stay tuned for more details.

Rest in Peace: Remedios Fernandez Manuel

2009-10-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

(The pic above is from me and H.'s wedding last year. That's my Auntie Remy on the left, my Mom on the right)

Writing is often a way for me to process things, a way for me to express emotions that are confusing, knotty or complicated (or all three!), so it doesn't surprise me that I woke up this morning with this urge to write this remembrance--my eulogy of sorts, I guess--for my Auntie Remedios (Remy) Fernandez Manual, my mother's only sister, who passed away in Los Angeles this past Saturday, October 24, 2009. She had been suffering from complications following triple-bypass surgery several weeks ago. She was 62 years old.

The concrete things first: Auntie Remy was born and raised in the Philippines, wife of Salvador Manuel, mother of twelve children. She immigrated here to the United States two years ago, flying on a Cathay Pacific jumbo jet with myself, her husband and her son, my cousin, Richard. She was illiterate, and grew up very poor and uneducated in a small town in Pangasinan, far to the north of Manila. She worked in the market selling vegetables under the hot sun, in addition to being a 'helper' for rich families--cooking and cleaning for them, in addition to raising her family. She spoke Pangasinan and Tagalog and a tiny bit of English, and had just learned her ABCs so that, ultimately, she could learn how to read.

Of course these salient details don't give a very complete picture of my Auntie Remy. I didn't know her very well, was only with her a handful of times--in the Philippines when I was there for two weeks, in LA a couple times, and then twice when she was here in the Bay Area (for my wedding and then to spend time with my Mom)--but she was the kind of spirit who made an impact on you in a quiet, subtle and profound way. Just a few memories from the short amount of time I knew her:

The first time I met my Auntie Remy was a little over two years ago. I was nervous, hot and sweaty from the smoggy Manila night air, and nearly shaking. I had just arrived for my first trip to the Philippines, and was already completely out of my element--from the language barrier (I speak very little Tagalog and only understand a little bit more, and speak absolutely no Pangasinan, my family's native dialect) to the cultural differences (I couldn't understand how people could be wearing so many clothes when it was so hot out!), I could already tell that this trip would be challenging for me. But when I saw my Auntie Remy come out of the door of the condo, I immediately remembered why I had made this trip. My mother hadn't been back to the Philippines since she left in 1967, and refused to join me on this trip as well, and so I was her proxy, her conduit to all the people back home. None of them had had seen my mom or me except in pictures, and only had talked to us on the phone before this. When she saw me, my Aunty Remy's face broke out into a crooked smile (she was, probably more importantly from her perspective, seeing her son Richard for the first time in nearly six years), and then both of us started to cry. She held me for a brief moment, a slightly awkward, but necessary embrace, both of us knowing without having to say anything that this moment was about the re-discovery of family, about blood knowing blood, about our family bucking the odds to find each other again despite poverty, distance, cultural difference and time.

She looked out for me as much as she could while I was in the Philippines, worriedly placing her brown hands on my face and neck when I told her I felt feverish, saying in Tagalog that I needed to go to the doctor. I reassured her that I just had a cold, but her furrowed brow told me that she took it very seriously that her only sister's eldest daughter was not feeling well. She arranged with her friend to let me stay at their house my last couple nights there, because they had an air conditioned bedroom and spoke English. I think she knew, somehow, in the intuitive way that mothers of large families might know, that I was uncomfortable and lonely in this strange country that was supposed to be my 'homeland'.

It's ironic then, that what was undoubtedly the most important journey of my Auntie Remy's life was undertaken with me nearby--her transPacific flight to Los Angeles, California to live in this even stranger country, the United States. I remember taking pictures of her and her family in front of the house they were staying in--the house of a wealthy family that my cousin Lusita worked for--and how both happy and sad everyone looked. They were happy that they could all be together--we ended up caravaning to Manila so that they could see their mom and dad off--but also sad because their mother was leaving them. Auntie Remy was so clearly loved by all her children and her grandchildren, and I envied their closeness as much as it brought me joy to witness it.

After we flew from Manila to Hong Kong--my Auntie had never been on a plane before, mind you--I remember taking her to the bathroom in Hong Kong, a super-modern, luxurious place with those automated-everything bathroom, and struggling to answer the confused look on her face at all the electronic toilets, faucets, etc. She must have been as baffled by all this modernity as I was by the lack of hot water and technology in the province.

More recent memories I have of my Auntie Remy are more comforting and joyful: watching her dance at my wedding, smiling and happy; her carefree smiles as my Mom, my husband and I took her sightseeing at the Berkeley Marina when she came up for a visit, the way she kept thanking us as if what we had done was such a big deal--me for giving her my frequent flyer miles so that she could fly up from LA, my husband for driving us around; how she proudly demonstrated that she could recognize the letters on a restaurant menu. The few times I saw her in the states were probably some of the few moments of leisure she'd had in her long, work-filled life. Her children--who all seemed to inherit her good, loving nature--all talked about wanting her to rest and relax after taking care of them for so long, and I wanted that for her too.

I try not to think about how tired she looked the last time I saw her, when she'd just been released from LA County Hospital after her surgery, how she kept urging me when she got home, as if on a reflex, to "Eat more, eat more," probably because she knew she couldn't. She never fully recovered from the aftermath of the surgery, but at least now she is going home to the Philippines, where she will be put to rest in the land that she knew and loved the best, with all her children and grandchildren nearby.

Even though I really didn't know my Auntie Remy very well, I loved her. She was probably the most selfless and saintly person I have ever known, and the most peaceful. I'll miss you, Auntie Remy, and I hope you're dancing and smiling in heaven, having a good time, and just relaxing. You deserve it more than anyone else I know.

For Gadget Geeks and Wanna-Be's

2009-08-08T09:03:00.001-07:00

I am a time management junkie. That doesn't mean that I spend endless amounts of time tweaking and re-tweaking my calendar, task list, etc. (ok, I only spend a shitload of time doing those things--but all in the service of being more efficient, I swear!), but it does mean that I require that my time management gadget is effective, easy-to-use, and versatile. The iPhone addicts out there will be laughing at me in a second, but I don't care, because really, the PalmOS offers the most effective time management/calendaring functions of anything, and I mean anything, I've seen out there.

I'm a diehard MacPerson, and my purchased-in-2005-Powerbook-G4 is my most valued piece of property, but I'm sorry, iCal does not help me be productive. It's confusing, doesn't let you make tasks into events (crucial if you are serious about managing your time well), and on and on. Outlook, Entourage--pah. PalmOS' old school calendar, with tasks that you can categorize by color and name, which also match categories for your events (in iCal you have to create different calendars to do this, Jeez!), and which you can sort by date due and priority level, beats them all.

My personal gadgetry is, by modern US standards (especially in the Bay Area where it seems like everyone has a Blackberry, iPhone or other SmartPhone) pretty old school: I have a year-and-a-half-old Palm Handheld Zire (one of the last Palm non-phone PDAs) for my calendar, tasks, and many of my contacts, and a mid-level Samsung phone for Sprint that is good for calling and texting, which is mostly what I do with it. I don't even have an iPod or MP3 player. What a luddite, eh?

Now, I am enough of a technology-geek that I would like to have the all-in-one capability of a SmartPhone, but so far I haven't been able to give up the efficiency and ease of PalmOS for the cool slickness of an iPhone. Lately, though, with my consulting practice ramping up and my related need to be more mobile (conference calls, email from a cafe, not wanting to always have to lug my laptop around with me), I've been craving the convenience of one gadget over two. The frustrating thing is that I haven't been able to find what I really need--time management, WiFi, email capability, a reliable browser, a solid way to sync my contacts--all in one device. If anything, the more reviews I've read about what's out there and what people are using, I've realized some people who are as addicted as I am to efficient gadgetry are STILL using more than one device because the all-in-ones just really aren't that. I personally know at least two people who actually use a SmartPhone and a PAPER calendar! That says something about the time management (in)capability of the SmartPhones out on the market.

My search for the perfect SmartPhone, of course, began with the iPhone, since I am a MacGirl and am devoted to the brand (sick and twisted for a woman who claims to be anti-capitalist, but true). But like I said before, iCal wasn't gonna cut it for me, and even the seemingly powerfuly app OmniFocus didn't seem to be what I wanted. I want tasks+calendar, not tasks in one place, calendar in another. It's the bedrock of how I manage my life!

Blackberries never appealed to me because of the difficulty people I knew seemed to have with syncing it to their Macs. Since I've worked on Macs at home AND at work (I know, lucky me, eh?) for more than a decade now, it really wasn't an option to have a SmartPhone that wasn't Mac-friendly.

So then, I got all excited when the Palm Pre came out earlier this summer. Actually, I got excited about it way back in late 2008 when I first heard about it. Palm's answer to the iPhone, it claimed to take the best of Palm and take it another level with very conceptually coolSynergy, the new WebOS platform, cut-and-paste, 3G and very pretty design to boot. But after playing with it at the Sprint store a few times, I was greatly disappointed that it also didn't have a good calendaring/time management system. And I know I'm not the only one thinking, 'WTF, Palm?'

There may be hope, though, in MotionApps' new PalmOS emulator app. I need to check it out to make a final assessment, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Being that Palm has been my go-to time management device-source for nearly a decade now, I decided to check out the Centro, and although I still need to go play with it a little bit more, I think I my have found what I'm looking for. As the article linked above shows, the PalmOS is indeed soon going to be a thing of the past, but I hope that Palm listens to its loyal, highly-efficient base of customers, and integrates some of the features we loved from the old platform into a new calendaring app for the new WebOS.

When that happens, I will gladly buy a Pre--but only if Apple and Palm kiss and makeup so that Apple will stop blocking iTunes syncing for the Pre, and other such capitalistic, proprietary nonsense.

For now, I'm probably gonna stay closer to the old-school camp and finally get a SmartPhone--a PalmOS-based Centro with email and web capability. At $50 (after rebate, since I'm already a Sprint customer), I really can't go wrong. Or if the PalmOs emulator app works well on the Pre and I can have my PalmOS and WebOS at the same time--that could be the true definition of gadget-geek-joy!

Rest in Peace: Corazon 'Cory' Cojuangco Aquino

2009-08-02T09:54:00.000-07:00

Although she was probably never as progressive as her husband, the late Senator Benigno 'Ninoy' Aquino, and disappointed many people with the lack of major reforms during her Presidency, I will always remember Cory Aquino as the first woman President of the Philippines. She was in many ways the epitome of the Filipina ideal (never too forward, unendingly loyal to her dead husband, morally upright and religious, supremely family-oriented). While I don't fit that ideal myself, and don't like its patriarchal constraints, there was something elegant and beautiful about how Cory carried herself in the world, and how she commanded respect and deference from her people as well as world leaders. I would be lying if I didn't say that the fact that Cory became President of my parents' home country didn't inspire me on some level to want to be the first woman President of the United States someday (a hope I've pretty much abandoned, of course, but my mother hasn't forgotten about it!).

She was a truly feminine leader, and paved the way for the next female Philippines President, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo (or GMA as she is more commonly called), who in many ways is sort of a shadow-Cory: more outwardly brutal in her suppression of 'subversive' elements and violently abusing her own people's human rights, more ruthless in her dealings with the many powerful men in her political sphere, and nowhere near as popular as Cory even during her lowest times.

I remember when I was in junior high and Ninoy Aquino was shot, and later when the People Power revolution on EDSA took the Philippines (and the world media stage) by storm. At the time, being as young and naive as I was, I was a little bit confused but also very proud of my countrymen (even though I had never been to the Philippines). The drama in the Philippines also played out in a different way in my family, as some of our (and wealthier) relatives were on the 'wrong' side of People Power and later needed to flee like the Marcoses did from the righteous wrath of the masses. I, even at my young age, knew that they were on the wrong side and was happy to see Cory and the yellow-clad people on EDSA drive the corrupt politicians and military henchmen out of the Philippines.

Of course, history would show that this glorious time of saying 'No' to corruption wouldn't last long, but Cory and many, many other of the brave leaders and ordinary people who stood up against a brutal dictatorship could celebrate their victory for a little while. And the Philippines got to bask in the glow of the People Power revolution on the international stage, proving that if we pulled together, we could overcome one of the most entrenched and violent US-supported dictatorships in the world.

Rest in Peace, Cory.

Another Blogger Against Racism

2009-07-28T07:32:00.001-07:00

So I found out, thanks to this post on the Angry Black Woman blog, about the fourth annual International Blog Against Racism Week (or IBARW, because really any title that has more than two words needs to have an acronym!). And since I see myself as constantly working against racism, internalized, individual as well as external/institutional, I have to post something this week to commemorate this worthy effort.

Since I've been fortunate to work in nonprofits that consider themselves racial justice organizations--although I struggle to discretely define what that term means exactly--I will use my airtime to point you towards a few of my favorite racial justice groups:

The Applied Research Center, which was founded by racial justice extraordinaire Gary Delgado, and is now led by the equally amazing Rinku Sen. ARC is a think tank, communications hub, resource for educational materials on race, and also the publisher of Colorlines magazine, as well as the excellent blog, Racewire.

ARC was instrumental in launching the organization that I spent my formative political years with, Californians for Justice, another brilliant racial justice group that has been organizing in communities of color for the past fourteen years on issues such as affirmative action, bilingual education, lack of resources in California public schools, and youth empowerment.

On the literary side of things, the Carl Brandon Society promotes and supports speculative fiction/science fiction (SF) writers of color. Recently, they put out a thoughtful and practical (aka 'Hey White people, here is how you engage in reasonable discourse on race without totally offending and turning off People of Color') open letter, prompted by the recent online racial brouhaha between/surrounding K. Tempest Bradford and Harlan Ellison.

Also, my favorite writerly organization, the Voices of Our Nations Arts Foundation, or VONA as its better known, which offers an annual two-week workshop series for writers of color at the University of San Francisco campus. I was there this past year and got to study with one of my favorite writers of all time, Pulitzer-prize winning author, down-to-earth and super-hilarious Jersey homeboy Junot Diaz.

So now it's your turn to get with the program and do your part---write a blog post against racism, launch a new blog, whatever, just do it!

Another Goodbye: RIP E. Lynn Harris

2009-07-25T11:06:00.000-07:00

I will admit that I've never cracked open an E. Lynn Harris book--mostly because I didn't feel like I was the 'intended' audience-- but even I knew that this man's contribution to the world(s) of African-American, LGBTQ and people of color fiction is outstanding. He was talking about the 'down low' way before Oprah did, and broke many barriers in literature and in book publishing that should put his name down in the history books.

Rest in peace, fellow writer, dreamer and artist, E. Lynn Harris. Here are a couple links with more information about this remarkable author.

Update: Thanks to my Goodreads friend Wilhelmina for pointing me to this tribute to Mr. Harris.

Well Said, White Lady!

2009-07-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

Since I mostly gave up arguing about race with White people who refuse to listen long, LONG ago, I will post excellent response written by a blogger who is a White woman about the Henry Louis Gates racial profiling incident in Cambridge. Perfectly summarizes what I would have said anyway--except that I would've wanted to add something about how awesome it was that President Obama called out the racism of this incident during a prime-time televised press conference! Combine this with Rachel Maddow's recent excellent smack-down of Pat Buchanan's inane racial politics and I'd say it's been a good week on the anti-racist media front.

Nothing Like Getting Published to Make You Feel Like a Writer

2009-07-10T17:27:00.000-07:00

This isn't a 'creative' piece in the traditional sense, it's a non-fiction, trade magazine piece, but it was creative for me in that I got to interview grassroots groups who are bringing more culture, fun and creativity to their fundraising events. This article is part of a special issue that the Grassroots Fundraising Journal, one of my all-time favorite magazines, did this month. The Journal's a great resource for how-to fundraising tips for small organizations, and I'm proud to have my article in this issue.

To give you a sneak peek, I profiled three cool groups doing work in the Bay Area and beyond: the Gay Asian Pacific Alliance, Mujeres Unidas y Activas, and my former employer, Californians for Justice.

I'm also finishing up an article for Greater Good magazine, for which I wrote an article a while back on how my immigrant family dealt with the death of one our elders, and will start working soon on what should be an interesting piece about what nonprofits should consider when applying for money that comes from gambling casinos, for Blue Avocado magazine, an online publication for nonprofits edited by Jan Masaoka, former Executive Director at Compass Point.

Saying Goodbye

2009-07-07T01:04:00.001-07:00

Although the media circus surrounding Michael Jackson's death (the same that hounded him in life) will no doubt continue for weeks if not months after tomorrow's public memorial service at the Staples Center, I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge what Michael gave to me. He was probably the first young person of color I saw on TV dancing and singing like no one else could, at a time when I loved to dance (and sing a little) too. Michael gave his all in every performance, singing and dancing 'full out' and with such precision, grace, innovation and unique style that there is no way anyone could truly imitate him, although many have tried and will continue to try. MJ influenced my own dance style, partially because he was just the SHIT when I was a kid and a teenager, and we all wanted to move like him, and partially because I tend to move percussively, like MJ does. I've realized in the past week since he's passed that many of my own moves on the dancefloor come from him. (And yes, I can do a decent Moonwalk). Michael also had a huge role in popularizing popping and locking, the 'Robot' and breakdancing through his own dancing as well as the dancers he featured in his videos.

And this is all in addition to the great joy I've experienced over the years dancing to his songs, the music, his voice. It's almost unbelievable how much Michael has given the world, and me personally, as a performer. I've been obsessing a bit about him (my Facebook friends are no doubt rolling their eyes now) the last week or so, but I'm moving towards a place of resolution and peace now, and am now able to say 'Goodbye' to him, and to be at peace with the little girl in me that once dreamed of being a superstar like Michael one day.

So from one dancer to another, from someone who is forever grateful for the love of dance and music that I've been blessed with, Thank you, Michael. Thank you for everything.

Rest in Peace: MICHAEL JACKSON

2009-06-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

This is a piece I wrote right after Michael Jackson died, and which I read at the VONA student reading last night. Thanks to my friend Tammy Johnson at the Applied Research Center, whose video response to Michael's death inspired me to refine my piece.

Rest in peace, Michael, we will always love you.

In case you don't know the song I've excerpted below, you can click here to hear it and watch the video.

Yes, I’m Wearing Black Today Because Michael Jackson Died

(sung)
“You are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're forever in my heart”

Thank you, Michael, for giving us your voice—clear, piercing angelic and soulful,
the kind of voice only an 11-year-old child could have, but that only you did. And thank you for your dance—the grace and innovation that everyone from James Brown to Fred Astaire had to give props to. Thank you for giving so freely and so early on of your divine gift, a gift that would prompt us to take more from you than you should ever have been asked to give.

I’m sorry, Michael, sorry that you were pushed so hard by a father who saw in you his chance for immortality, and by all the other adults around you who saw their fame and fortune in your golden voice, your silver moves. I’m sorry that none of them stopped to wonder if you were being used and exploited.

And, Michael, I’m sorry that our greed to witness this divine gift of yours over and over wasn’t enough to make you realize how precious and unique you were, just the way you were. I’m sorry that we took you for granted. We are greedy creatures, we human beings, and when we see beauty and talent as deep and singular as yours, we want to breathe it in, eat it, live it, and then when it’s not there even for a moment all we want is more. I’m sorry that our ceaseless wanting caused you pain.

And it hurt us too, to watch someone we loved so much hate himself, to watch you despise your own face, and take out on yourself and the children who trusted you whatever anger and grief our adoration couldn’t stop you from feeling, all because someone, somewhere made you feel like you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, and yes, White enough. We watched in dumbstruck terror your transformation from a beautiful young black man into a strange pale ghost that we could barely recognize.

Until, that is, you opened your mouth. Until you moved your body and showed that despite all the self-hating surgical procedures and medications you’d heaped upon your body, your soul was still intact, a soul with a god-given talent that infected the world with a divine fever, with a feeling so good and real that we could not even name it.

This morning, I finally cried for you—the Michael Jackson that was and the other Michael, the young, innocent black boy that lived beneath the mask.

Michael, if I could wave my magic wand and make this whole week vanish, and make Bubbles the Chimpanzee and NeverLand Ranch disappear, and take you back before the days of Bad and Thriller and even before Off the Wall, even back before the Jackson 5 and Motown, if I could go back and ask God to give you a loving, unselfish father and a mother who could nurture you the way you needed, if I could give you a regular life and be assured that you would grow up a normal, happy Black child—as happy as a black boy can be in a world as insane as ours—would I give up all the joy you’ve given me? Would I give up all the memories, the dance moves, the music, the piercing woo’s, the magic that you weaved when you stepped onto a stage or up to a mic? Would I give it all up if I knew that there would be just one more blackboy in the world who would grow up healthy, strong, happy and loved just for who he was?

(sung)
“You are not alone”

And the answer is yes, yes.

And Yes, I am wearing black today because Michael Jackson died.

Rethinking my Blog Existence, Again

2009-06-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again, when, after a good few months' worth of not posting on this blog, I question whether I should still keep it. I've been bandying about ideas of other, more specific and less individual-centered blogs with different folks--a blog about Oakland, a blog about fundraising and nonprofits, a writing blog (which does exist but is currently set to private)--and am wondering if I really need to keep an individual blog at this point, or whether to narrow the focus of this blog so that it's not so vague.

I should say that when I started this blog several years ago, it was really just an experiment, an 'I'll-try-this-thing-and-see-how-it-goes' thing, and I never thought this particular blog would've lasted this long. It's had it's ups and downs as far as readership, content quality and posting frequency, that's for sure, but it's served its purpose for me and made me realize that on some level, blogging is now a part of my life.

I think it's interesting that some colleagues of mine who are of the Baby Boomer generation look to me for advice and a certain perspective on all things high-tech, in large part due to this blog and my more consistent presence on Facebook. It's actually funny to me that they see me this way, actually, because I don't think of myself as super-technologically savvy compared to my Millenial counterparts. In any case, my life has become much more oriented around the Internet than I ever thought it would be, even a few years ago, and this blog has been a significant part of that.

More soon about my recent retreat/residency at Windcall in Washington State last month, which was a big part of my overall reflective mode these days.

Why I Love Susan Boyle

2009-04-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's because I, like Susan Boyle--the Scottish singing sensation from 'Britain's Got Talent' who is burning up the Internet right now--am unemployed and have more time on my hands than usual, compounded by the fact that I've been confined to my apartment for the past two days due to a bad flu, but I've watched the youtube clip of Susan's performance about five times now, and each time been in awe and admiration of this woman.

Why do I love Susan Boyle? And more importantly, why do millions of people across the world love her so much? It's not that different of an answer than I would give if you asked me why reality television has become popular, not just in the U.S. but elsewhere. People can relate to Susan Boyle, and all the other contestants on reality game shows and the like. What makes Susan Boyle so special is that she is 'more real' and therefore more relatable than many other reality show types, who probably work out for days or do their hair special or make extra efforts to look 'better' for the cameras, and Susan is a real 'come as you are type'. Mark Goulston, on the Huffington Post, gives his opinion of the Susan phenomenon here.

Also, we love Susan because she confounds our very narrow and messed-up stereotypes of what talented people should look, act and live like. Her life, from the little we know about it, has been anything but dramatic or glamorous. It's been quite a normal, if not a little sad ("never been kissed") life, during which she's lived in a village with her parents the whole time, has never been married, and cared for here mother before she died a few years back. Susan, by all intents and purposes, is not what we think of when we think of 'star potential' or talent.

But the reality is that--and I think we all know this deep down inside--there are many, many thousands of if not hundreds of thousands of people out there who are just as talented (if not moreso) as Susan, but who are stuck in the drudgery of everyday life, because of where and to what strata of society they were born, because of shyness or lack of opportunity, or because they've been told that they are NOT talented by others who are bitter and jealous or what-have-you.

I love Susan Boyle because she so clearly loves to sing, loves to do the thing that she has not been able to do for her livelihood, but as a 'hobby' or something to do for fun. And, lucky for her she's really good at it! It's always beautiful to see someone who is so present when they do something, who loves what they are doing and are good and it and can move and inspire others when they are doing it. I feel the same when I watch my husband DJ or when I watch amazing dancers on stage or when I see a good public speaker. These are people using the gifts that the Creator gave them to create good in the world, and people respond to that.

I've been thinking a lot about my own life purpose lately, not feeling like much of a writer or anything else since I've stopped working and have been taking a break from a lot of things. I know that I'll get back into the thick of things soon enough, and that this time of rest is important and productive and necessary in its own way. But seeing Susan Boyle sing has inspired me to not give up on my own dreams, or at least not give up on trying to figure out what they are.

Susan is the epitome of the rags-to-riches tale, despite the fact that she's not yet 'hit it big'. It always amazes me how quickly and brightly someone's star can rise on the international stage, only to fall into obscurity not long afterwards. Fifteen minutes indeed. But I think there's something, dare I say it, in the stars and in the cosmos right now that makes all of us human beings long for more Susan Boyles, to long for our life's purpose. I hope her performance inspires other people to pursue their dreams, no matter how silly or impractical as they may seem.

Review of 'Long Way Gone' by Ishmael Beah

2009-04-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

This is just my brief reaction via goodreads, but I figure the old cut and paste is a good way to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. Enjoy!

A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier by Ishmael Beah

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
i gave this book an extra star because this story is so important in this day and age, when war for Americans has become a video-game-like-unreality divorced from our everyday lives and while so many people (including more and more children) are the victims or perpetrators of atrocious acts of violence. While the writing itself wasn't brilliant, it was very readable and the voice of the author, Ishamel Beah, was clear and resonant throughout. I liked the fact that several of the war stories that he tells are presented as flashbacks during the time of his rehabilitation, effectively mimicking how the author's violent past came back to haunt him even when he was no longer in the army. I also liked how the author didn't get into the politics/ideological arguments between the different factions fighting the war. In the end, that stuff didn't really seem to matter as both sides were 'recruiting' boy soldiers into their ranks. The author did an excellent job--like Elie Wiesel did in 'Night'--of illustrating the absurd futility and waste of war, as well as the healing that can come to those who were affected by it afterwards.

View all my reviews.

Disbelief, Grief, Outrage, Sorrow

2009-04-10T01:44:00.000-07:00

Rest in Peace: Carl Joseph Hoover-Walker (1997-2009)

Those are the emotions that came up for me when I heard about Carl Joseph Hoover-Walker's suicide after the boy endured weeks if not months of bullying at his school. I don't even know what to say about this or write, except for that my heart goes out to the spirit of that young boy, who hopefully now is at peace in whatever after-life there may be, and also to his family who is trying to speak out and make sure that this destructive behavior does not continue.

Children are the most victimized and brutalized members of our society. Children of color, LGBT/queer or perceived-queer children, children who are disabled or are in any way 'others' to the American mainstream are often subject to humiliation, violence, marginalization and other forms of oppression that just need to stop. This young man's death is senseless in every way. This did not need to happen.

Two more posts here and here, and a heartfelt plea from a young man to participate in the national Day of Silence on April 17th to protest the hateful harassment and discrimination of LGBTQ people in this country.

I hope the teachers and parents of the children who bullied young Carl are talking to those young people, and trying to bring healing to the wounds that exist in that community, in all our communities. Rest in peace, Carl. I hope and pray that your death was not in vain.

The Second Day of the Rest of My Life

2009-04-02T14:06:00.001-07:00

This past year has been one of many changes, big changes--endings and beginnings of relationships, deepening of some, letting go of others. It's been an intense, fun, amazing and life-changing year. And I think it's just now starting to settle in for me, I'm finally feeling the gravity and the significance of these changes, now that I've stopped working at my full-time job and have time to sit, reflect, write and just be.

I'm sitting here writing this in a cafe, because my house is just too messy to write in and not get distracted right now, and I just finished working on one of my short stories--which I'm planning to submit to VONA on Tuesday for Junot Diaz and / or ZZ Packer's workshops--for about an hour. That may not seem like a long time to you but that is a long frickin' time to write for me. I haven't spent that much time working on a piece in the middle of the day, on a weekday, in YEARS.

And you know what? It feels good. Damn good. And all the preparation for my transition out of CFJ, all the planning and calculating how much consulting work I'd have to line up to make as much money as I was making before on less hours of work (not as much work as I thought I'd have to do, actually), all the worrying about how to deal with my health insurance and paying taxes quarterly, after all that, I'm finally realizing that what it all comes down to is having the TIME to do what I want to do, and not be beholden to numerous other people's needs and agendas, anxieties and problems.

I am feeling very blessed right now, as there are lots of people out there who need work and can't find it, and here I am choosing to work less and do something as silly and pointless as creative writing so that I can be happy. Believe me, I've set myself up pretty well (so far) work-wise. I'm not dumb and I'm not the kind of person that is happy not knowing where my next paycheck is, so I've done lots of planning. But I still feel fortunate that the stars have aligned and that there are enough people out there who have been supportive (including, ironically, my old job!) and helpful that I can do this and feel totally good about it.

Yesterday was my first day off from work, so today, then, is the second day of the rest of my life. And so far, I'm liking it.

Transitions, Endings

2009-03-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

Life is all about change, impermanence, things evolving. Tonite my organization is throwing me a good-bye/thank you party, as my last day there is in twelve days, after working there on staff or as a volunteer in some capacity for nearly the past fourteen years. I was sharing with my Executive coach, the fabulous Belma Gonzalez, recently that I haven't been feeling super-emotional about my leaving yet, and that that surprised me. I would think, 'Is there something wrong with me that I'm not feeling overly sad or guilty or happy?' It's not that emotion hasn't come up in the days leading to my departure, it's just that it hasn't overwhelmed me.

Belma, bless her, posited in her very optimistic and supportive fashion, that perhaps the emotions weren't overwhelming because I'd been doing a lot of work to just sit with them and not push them away or not acknowledge them, and also because it was probably just the right time to leave the organization--for the organization itself, as well as for me and my life. I know she's right--and it's not like I haven't had moments of difficult or frustration or sadness or even a little (but not much!) guilt, and a lot of happiness about the next phase of my life post-CFJ--it's just kind of amazing to me to be in this place of relative equanimity, and to be okay with all the different things that are arising.

I'm sure though, tonite, that I will get emotional, as over 50 folks are slated to come through to my party. It's always amazing--something i realized at our wedding--when your community gathers around you to celebrate you, to thank you, or just to acknowledge something like your birthday. It's a beautiful, precious thing, and something I don't think enough of us on this planet get to experience often enough. I'm still figuring out what I'm going to say during my little 'speech' tonite--I feel like I must be preparing to receive an Oscar or something--but I'm sure it's all going to be fine.

Wish me luck! And let's hope whatever tears come up don't mess up my makeup. ;)

It's Been a While...

2009-03-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

I know I've been neglectful of this blog. Just haven't felt inspired to write here. I've been writing quite a bit in my notebook and journal, including some (bad, half-formed) poetry that felt good to write. Lots going on in my life these days, from transitioning out of my full-time day-job into a more part-time, fundraising consulting practice, in order to make more time for (you guessed it) writing as well as my family/personal life. Also, this past couple weeks my Auntie, who immigrated from the Philippines just a couple years ago and whom I've blogged a bit about before, was in town and I wanted to spend a little time with her. Lastly, I feel like since the wedding I've been slowly reclaiming my life, going back to a pace that is more normal for me and enjoying my free time and not guilt-tripping myself that I'm not being ultra-productive every minute of the day. Productive rest is one of my mottos for 2009, and I've been taking it quite seriously lately. Still, I'm doing some consulting work outside of my day-job already, so it's not like I haven't been busy with paying gigs.

Hopefully I won't take so long to write again. Blogging is a good outlet for me. Let me know you're reading and I'll be even more motivated to stay current here.

It's a Start: 'Why I Love Oakland'

2009-02-04T06:52:00.000-08:00

So this guy is probably all down for redevelopment and gentrification in a bad way, and you gotta be wary of any white dude who says 'I've never been a racist', but I'm so glad to finally have the San Francisco Chronicle print something positive about Oakland, even if it is just a column, that I am compelled to post this here. I know a lot of people who feel the same way, or even more passionate, about Oakland.

I've been toying with the idea of starting a new blog about Oakland, mostly because of all the negative and extremely biased and racist press it's been receiving lately, but also because there are so many enlightening, lovely and poignant stories being lived and never told in this beautiful city that I want to help expose to the rest of the world. Oakland is not a perfect place, by any means, but it's also not the 'hell', 'scumhole' and 'wasteland' that I've heard so many people who don't live here (and who may have never even really spent time here) say it is.

Oakland has been my home for the better part of the last seventeen years, and it's the home of thousands and thousands of die-hard Bay Area folks who know no other haven. I wish the people that talk so badly about this place would remember that. And the fact that we love it in spite of, or in some cases, because of its flaws and imperfections and the way the people here rise above all those things, is a beautiful thing, something to emulate.

Quick Review of Sherman Alexie's New Book

2009-02-01T22:12:00.000-08:00

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
I liked this book quite a bit, more by the end than I thought I would. I still don't understand why it's being marketed as a 'young adult' book--if that was Alexie's goal or if that was his agent's or publisher's way of trying to make more money. In any case, there are plenty of harsh grown-up truths in this book to make it challenging even for a cynical reader like me to breeze through. Although I didn't enjoy the fact that the protagonist, Arnold Spirit, seemed so in love with white people throughout the book--when they weren't beating him up or acting racist, that is--I think Alexie did a great job helping me understand how Arnold in some ways HAD to love white people in order to have any hope to escape the poverty and misery of the reservation where he lived. The political activist of color in me wanted Alexie to show more of the positive things about Rez life, but in the end, I'm glad he didn't, because that wouldn't have been honest to the character or the story he was trying to tell. And he did describe some lovely details from the character's perspective (moments with his grandmother and best friend, Rowdy, for example) that were achingly beautiful in their painfulness and irony. I would love to hear what a teenager/young adult thought about this book!

View all my reviews.

And Now for Something Completely Different...and Geeky

2009-01-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I was excited about the iPhone when it came out, although not excited enough to actually go and buy one. Even when the second version came out, no biting from this hard-core functionality girl-geek. I need my technology to not only be pretty, but be extremely functional. That said, I am also a dyed-in-the-wool (i don't know what that phrase really means but it somehow feels right to use it here) Mac-head, as the first real home computer I ever used was my uncle's old Macintosh with the black and beige-ish floppy disk drive that I used to play video games on when I was a kid. The biggest single purchase I've ever made was of the beautiful (yes, I said beautiful) and highly functional 15" aluminum Powerbook G4 that I'm typing on right now. And yes, my beautiful laptop has a name, but I'm not telling you what it is.

So my Mac credentials are firmly established. At the same time, I have been using a Palm handheld organizer device of some kind for the past four years or so. I find them extremely handy and useful, and practical, not to mention cheap. So despite my lust for the iPhones--which was tempered and cooled by the fact that AT&T's service plan for it cost a good $99 per month--I stuck with my handy-but-not-at-all-fancy Zire, with my handy-bu-even-less-fancy Samsung Sprint cell phone as my mobile communication tool.

But now, all bets are off. Because Palm has out-Mac'd Mac with the new Pre, a mobile device that seems to do everything I liked about the iPhone and then some. The iPhone is pretty and has some cool, interesting apps which are completely useless as time management or practical tools (yeah it's cool that you can find the name of a song just by putting your iPhone up to the stereo as it's played, but really, I'd rather have system-wide cut-and-paste functionality!), but the Pre is just a better work horse. Of course, this is a new gadget and there will most likely be many bugs to be worked out, but I have to say, I'm geekin' out over here.

Would'ya READ something already?

2009-01-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

I'm amused but starting to get a little irritated by all the anti-Reverend Lowery stuff out there right now, from white people mostly but also from some people of color that don't 'get' what the good Reverend was saying. As I don't have time to break this all down for folks with my perspective (which is just one perspective), and since there are plenty of other more articulate and learned people who have broken it down already, I offer the following links:

• A post from African-American blogger Tonya Jameson at the Charlotte Observer.com.

• A more in-depth collection of links to articles about Reverend Lowery's background, life and political/racial analysis, which informed his benediction speech, from a white blogger in Rhode Island.

• A really interesting break-down of different ways to interpret the 'Black will not be asked to get back', etc. part of the Reverend's benediction.

• And a brief post from blogger Doug LeMoine that has a subtly humorous closing line that I loved about white people.

So if you know people that are confused, offended, curious or angry about Reverend Lowery's speech, please direct them to the links above. It's a new day, folks, and race is not going to become a thing of the past--we're just now actually going to be able to deal with it in a more honesty way, I hope. But that means that some folks who have not had to think about race much in the past because of white privilege or class privilege or whatever, are going to have to get educated. They're going to have to read some stuff and struggle with some tough issues and some challenging emotions and learn how to grow through it all.

Ending, Beginning, Celebrating

2009-01-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

What an amazing day! Yesterday (1/20/2009) felt more like New Year's Day to me than January 1st did--full of celebration, community, reflection, healing, music and good food. It was truly the end of an era--and lest we forget, in our giddy rush into the bright future that President Obama (God, it feels so good to say/type those words!) has asked us to build together, the suffering and misery that was created by the Bush administration, here are a couple things to remind us. I was with H. and our friend B. at the Oakland Coliseum to watch the historic inauguration of our 44th President, Barack Hussein Obama, with thousands of other Oaklanders. Black, White, Asian, Latino and other folks joined together in a mass gathering of joy, release, celebration and patriotism that I have never experienced before. Here are some pics of the event:

I also thought it showed how much class Obama had when he tried to give Chief Justice John Roberts the chance to correct himself when he screwed up the Oath of Office. Class act, this guy, all the way. Even if you disagree with his politics or don't like his proposals, you have to admit he has class and tact.

It was really cool that Reverend Lowery opened his benediction with the lyrics from 'Lift Every Voice and Sing', the Black National Anthem, and H. and I LOVED the Reverend Lowery's benediction (and I have to say, Yes on 8, anti-gay marriage activist Reverend Rick Warren's invocation was also rousing, but less inspiring for me). I thought it was interesting that the very black/brown but still multi-racial crowd at the Coliseum laughed and 'got' the joke, and it seemed clear that many Black folks in the stands understood that the good Reverend was flippin' the script on the old US race/caste system by changing up the words to this old anti-Jim Crow song, 'Get Back (Black, Brown and White)', while later on YouTube I saw people (I'm assuming White, call Rev. Lowery a 'racist' for saying things like 'that the White man can embrace what's right man'. And that our President was sittin' up there laughing and chuckling at the Reverend's words. This was an indication of things to come, and white folks are going to need to start gettin' educated about race, both the entrenched legacy of racism and the current-day racism that all people of color face on some level, if they want to 'get' what's going on in this country.

After the inauguration, I had the kind of chill Oakland day (thanks to having the day off from work) that I love. Finally got to go to the new Cathedral of Christ the Light next to beautiful Lake Merritt. I have to say it was much more impressive than I thought it would be.

Then, finally, after meditation class at the East Bay Meditation Center and a nice dinner (great salad but the main course of braised chicken was pretty tasteless) at the Franklin Square Wine Bar, H. and I first headed to the Bench and Bar, a gay bar that used to be predominantly Black and seemed to be pretty mixed last night. We ended up talking to a really drunk gay white dude who couldn't believe that we were married.

Then finally, we went down to Jack London Square to witness a block party outside Everett and Jones barbeque joint, where a pretty mellow, mostly Black crowd bopped and swayed to live R&B to celebrate the inauguration of the first African-American President of the United States. We ran into old Lefties Miriam Ching-Louie and Belvin Louie, which is always a nice surprise. But mostly it just felt good to know that hope was not some distant horizon any longer, that a new day was dawning and that we had been a part of making history.

New Links and more on Oscar Grant protests

2009-01-17T08:42:00.000-08:00

Added a few new links to the blogroll:

Seeking Avalon, where a recent, spirited debate on the representation of people of color characters by white writers of fantasy and sci-fi caught my eye.

K. Tempest Bradord's blog (can I have a middle name like 'Tempest', please?), whom I found via Claire Light's See Light blog--both these are women of color Speculative Fiction writers whom I hope to get to know better in the coming year.

And, no I haven't forgotten about the Oscar Grant tragedy and aftermath in Oakland. How could I with media and police helicopters swarming my office and home neighborhoods for nearly three days straight. But instead of writing more about it here, I'll point you to another new link in my blogroll: Richard Wright aka DJ Fflood's blog, as well as a couple interesting posts on Racialicious here and here.

Was it a 'Riot'?

2009-01-14T07:14:00.000-08:00

Thank God the mainstream media finally published something sensible about the Oscar Grant protest turned 'riot' last week. Dori Maynard, incidentally, is the widow of former Oakland Tribune publisher/editor Bob Maynard, whom I believe was the paper's first African-American publisher back in the 1970s.

And this comes the morning that another protest is planned at City Hall tonite. Also, the officer who shot Oscar Grant (because we all saw the video, right?), has finally been
arrested on murder charges after quitting the BART police force and skipping town to Nevada.

I only hope that, in this case, justice may be done for Oscar Grant. And that the community may be able to count a small victory, and an important one, at the end of the day.

Justice for Oscar Grant

2009-01-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

There's a protest scheduled for today at Fruitvale BART in Oakland to address the police shooting there of Oscar Grant, a 22-year old man, on New Year's Eve. You can also find it on Facebook.

Rest in Peace: Oscar Grant

2009-01-05T22:19:00.000-08:00

Oscar Grant was a 22-year-old African-American man, father of a four-year-old child and a butcher at a local Oakland supermarket that H. and I used to frequent. He was killed by a BART cop's bullet on New Year's Eve at the Fruitvale station in Oakland, only a few miles away from where I live. Although I didn't know Oscar, he could've been any number of young Black men walking the streets of Oakland, Hayward, Alameda, San Francisco, etc. Unfortunately, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Words can't really express what I'm feeling now. I know there are many other gun-related and other violent deaths that happen in Oakland and around the world everyday. Only some of these capture the attention of the media and, thus, the general public. I hope that this story results in some good being done, although this young man's untimely death could never be made up for. I hope and pray for justice and for a peaceful resolution to the violence that is rampant in our society.

Thanks to the Applied Research Center for posting this action alert on their blog, RaceWire.

Movie Review: Beyond a Shadow of a 'Doubt'

2009-01-03T05:53:00.000-08:00

Couldn't help myself with the pun, there. I just saw the film 'Doubt', written and directed by the playwright, John Patrick Shanley (a good Irish-Catholic boy, no doubt), who won a Pulitzer Prize for his original play of the same name, and starring one of the tightest, most brilliant casts I think I've ever seen on screen: notably, the ever-formidable and ridiculously talented Meryl Streep, and the equally virtuosic chameleon Philip Seymour Hoffman. However, Viola Davis in particular deserves major acknowledgment, as her one speaking scene in the film, opposite Streep, showed how powerful an actor can be even with less than ten minutes on screen. Amy Adams was also terrific as a naive young nun who becomes sort of a human moral scale, weighing the accusations flying between Streep's Sister Aloysius and Hoffman's Father Flynn with a bewilderment that mirrors that of the audience as we grapple with the grave issues presented in the film.

The film can be summarized, or written off, depending on how you see it--the way that another amazing film, 'Brokeback Mountain', could be written off as the 'gay cowboy movie' when it's so much more than that--as the 'Catholic Church sexual abuse scandal movie'. And despite the injustice of that description to the film, I think if that kind of controversial summary makes people come to the theater to watch it, then great. I think every Catholic or recovering Catholic, at minimum, should see this film. I don't want to say too much more because this is the type of film that's best enjoyed through conversation with other viewers, because the director/writer leaves so much up to subjective interpretation. And I like that. He and the actors have set up a world that is totally believable (although H. could barely believe that even during my Catholic school experience in the 1980s I knew nuns like Sister Aloysius and was as terrified of them as the school kids in the film are of Streep's character), and with it, they pull you in irresistibly with universal and immortal themes of faith, redemption, the complexity of human nature, and, yes, doubt.

As a survivor of sexual abuse myself, I appreciated the nuances of morality and the lack of judgment of the characters that permeated the film. It offers a very humanizing portrait of what can be a very polarizing and dehumanizing (for all people involved, from perpetrator to victim) experience.

I will say that the film is far from perfect, with some heavy-handed symbolism getting in the way of even this ultra-ritualistic Catholic School-girl's enjoyment. But all in all, it's a tightly-crafted, important film and seeing it is well worth the price of admission.

If you need more encouraging, a couple reviews that I liked can be found on the Independent Critic web site (this one is written by a sexual abuse survivor, at Pajiba (which wins the award for best self-description of its site: Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People), and the New York Times.

Suffice it to say that beyond a shadow of a doubt (there I go again with the puns!), this is probably the best film I've seen this year. I hope Oscar will too.

List: 2008 Retrospective (and Resolutions), Part II

2009-01-02T08:34:00.001-08:00

Yay! I actually made it around to posting a Part II to a Part I. (I've promised to do so for other posts in the past, without delivering. Maybe this is a good sign that I'll be able to achieve my new year's resolutions for 2009? I hope so).

Traveling to Belize on my honeymoon, which was a relaxing, satisfying and truly lovely experience, and not just because it was my honeymoon! It had been more than a year since I'd traveled out of the country, and more than two years since I'd had a 'vacation' trip abroad (to Europe with H. in 2006). Especially in this year of Obama-fication, it was important for me to see how folks in other countries were reacting to the U.S.'s sudden change of destiny. Some American ex-pats that we ran into in Placencia, Belize said that they had a huge party the night after the election, with free beer for all. I for one am glad that McCain didn't win so that I wouldn't have to explain to folks why Americans are so intent on destroying themselves and the rest of the world with us. And of course, Belize itself as a country, as a Caribbean-bound-land, was gorgeous and lush and friendly and down-to-earth and pristine and just the antidote for my work-weary body and mind. You can see some of our photos on Flickr.

Reconnecting with family and friends, mostly because of wedding planning and the wedding itself and, of course, because of the reality that now, as a formally married (read: now-formally-accepted as a real couple by most of society, even in the progressive bubble of the Bay Area), it seems that our friends and family sort of take more seriously our invitations to lunch, dinner or other social events. And we take theirs more seriously too. One of the most touching moments of our wedding for me, though, was looking at all of our friends and family gathered around us during the ceremony, and later at the reception, and just feeling an immense love welling up inside me, knowing that H. and I were supported in our decision to connect our lives and our communities.

Thinking about and planning my big next year (and this is where the New Year's resolutions come in). I am leaving my job in March 2009, and planning to launch my consulting business for real. Which means, hopefully, less actual hours of work, but hopefully more income, as consulting fees can pay a lot more than a full-time job at a small nonprofit. I'm also really looking forward to picking and choosing projects that I really want to work on (if I can, which everyone tells me should not be a problem, given the dearth of fundraisers of color in the world and the endless number of groups who need us). Lastly, I am planning to take on two major creative endeavors in 2009, which this extra time will allow me to do: 1) Have a baby (nope, not pregnant yet, but will be working on it), and 2) Get some serious writing time in. It's been several years since I've really delved into my writing, and I realized this past year that the main impediment to my progress is just TIME. Such a simple thing, but one of the toughest things to carve out for yourself in the midst of full-time employment, taking care of your own household, family obligations, life in general.

So my resolutions for 2009? Pretty simple: Do what I want to do, do what I love, live my life to the fullest. Spend time with people I care about and who nurture and support the best of who I am, and vice versa. Trust in the Spirit/God/Orishas/Universe/Creator/whatever-you-want-to-call-It to guide me and take care of me. Know that I have the talent, perseverence, courage, contacts, intelligence, determination and skill to not only survive in this harsh economic climate, but to THRIVE. If there is one word that I want to bring with me into 2009, and to cling to like my life depended on it (which in a way, it does) it's that one: thrive, thrive, THRIVE.

Rooms of Our Own

2008-12-29T20:16:00.001-08:00

Was roaming around the blogosphere and visited fellow writer Claire Light's blog, whose recent post featured an image of her writing 'room'--a sort of vertical desk/storage unit in her bedroom, and a link to a photo-essay by Eamonn McCabe of famous writers' rooms.

I'm not one who's easily starstruck, except for when I'm around writers I admire. So seeing the inner sanctums of writers like Hanif Kureishi is, like, weird geeky porn for me. It's interesting that I stumbled upon this piece at a time that I've been contemplating what to do with the space that's supposed to be my office/writing space--a large closet with window under which I've placed a small desk for my laptop and a few books. For the past year or so it's turned into a junk closet for the most part, with piles of unfiled papers and old posters and magazines strewn about inside. But as I look to 2009 as a major writing year for me (hopefully), I know I need to figure out how to clear this space and make it suitable for habitation once again.

Now, inspired by the images spartan office of V.S. Naipaul and the crimson walls of A.L. Kennedy's space, I vow to at least dig a tunnel through the books, files, and office supplies so that I can make sense of my office and what it can become. Wish me luck.

List: 2008 Retrospective, Part I (?)

2008-12-28T01:07:00.001-08:00

I've written enough 'part I' blog posts with no subsequent 'part II's or 'III's that I'll leave the question mark in the headline above. it's that time of year, though, to reflect on the past twelve months, to sift through all the accomplishments, unmet goals, surprises, disappointments, joys, sorrows and stories of my 2008 experience. All I can say is, 'What a year!' On so many levels, this year surpassed all of my wildest imaginings, and challenged me in ways that I wasn't expecting (and I like to think I anticipate any possible curve ball life can throw at me--I'm a Capricorn and an uber-planner, after all). A few things to start my review list, in no particular chronology or order of importance:

Getting married to my partner of six-plus years, Henry. This was one of the three most defining acts of my year. I mean, I started a whole 'nother blog about it, which actually got more hits at times than this one, thanks to selective linking to sites like Indie Bride and other alt.bride sites.

That guy who's President-Elect, and the movement that put him in power. Sometimes I still can't believe we have a Black President (or that we'll have one come 1/20/09. Never in a million years could I imagine a national (nay, international) grassroots movement electing a former community organizer as President of the United States. Un-frickin-believable, and so beautiful at the same time.

Deciding to leave my job, which I had been planning on and contemplating for a few months already, after my ex-boss left the organization to work for the new Speaker of the California Assembly, the Honorable Karen Bass. The first African-American woman (and really, the first woman) in this high-powered post, Speaker Bass is a political star on the rise, and although it was challenging to take over the helm of my organization after our ED left to work for her, it was definitely an important move and in the end I think worked out well for everyone. I am transitioning out of my interim co-director job at CFJ in March to work part-time, do fundraising consulting and spend more time on my writing and (hopefully) having a baby!

That's the Big Three events of 2008 for me. More to come, I promise. (?) ((;)

Longing for a Long Time Ago

2008-12-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

H. and I unwittingly took a quick, sentimental stroll down nostalgia lane yesterday--first visiting the old-school Yellow Submarine Sandwich shop in the Sunset on Irving, then driving through the Excelsior and Portola Valley neighborhoods--a time warp if there ever was one, where the 'old San Francisco of the 1970s and '80s is still apparent in the old-school storefronts, decidedly UN-gentro potholed streets, and working class residents--then finally, watching 'Milk', the Gus Van Sant-directed film about the late, great San Francisco gay supervisor of the same name.

H. and I both grew up in the Bay Area--a somewhat rare status in our particular circle of friends, and seemingly an increasingly rare status for people living in the Bay Area overall. Call it gentrification, call it 'progress', call it the result of larger social and economic forces pushing people in and out of certain cities, the Bay Area and San Francisco especially is definitely not what it was when we were growing up here in the 1970s. Some elements of it have not changed, that's for sure--it's still a progressive bubble, sheltered in many ways from the cruel cold conservative world outside the way our many microclimates seem to exist in isolation from each other. But many things have changed, and seeing so many reminders of the San Francisco of our childhood yesterday made me long for a simpler, less hectic and, yes, more beautiful City by the Bay. When....

...the I-Hotel and Manilatown were still around, Manongs played pool on Kearny Street and Mabuhay Gardens hosted punk shows a few blocks away on Broadway.

...public schools were still decent, and kids of all colors and income backgrounds learned together in schools that looked like the neighborhoods they were in.

...sandwiches cost $1.50 and you could get a good meal for less than $3 (as evidenced by the old, hand-painted price sign at Yellow Submarine).

...the Fillmore hadn't been 'redeveloped' yet, and Black people could still call it their neighborhood, instead of being subjected to newbie rich white folks moving in and calling it the 'new Fillmore' or 'lower Pacific Heights'.

...places like Art's Soul Food, a Southern food joint run by Filipinos near the Castro, were still around and thriving.

...you could walk around town or take the bus as a little kid and not be afraid, or be tailed by a security guard who thinks you're going to steal something.

...blue collar, working class folks of color could actually afford to rent OR own in the City, and didn't have to leave the neighborhoods they or their kids had grown up in to make room for arrogant, know-nothing white kids from the suburbs who just want to party.

...Candlestick didn't have an odious corporate name (which I refuse to even acknowledge here, it'll always be Candlestick for true Bay Area folks).

Yes, I know I'm romanticizing the era, and I never experienced some of the things I listed above (I was way too young to go to the Mabuhay Gardens, for example), and maybe this nostalgia stems from the bittersweet feeling the winter holidays always gives me, but I can't help but long for a time when the City looked more like the people who actually made it great, instead of a playground for people who have a selective memory about its history, and a money-machine for those whose main goal is life is the accumulation of wealth. San Francisco, as the Harvey Milk film reminded me, was made great by the grittiness, soul, hard work and loving sacrifice of an at times painfully diverse resident population, the awesome mix of which contributed to the City's once-thriving and amazing arts and political scenes. Of course, the City is still a cool place in many ways, but a much more homogenized and segregated place and fearful place.

I wonder if we couldn't all do well to look back into the past of our respective cities and learn a few lessons from it. Or at the very least, fondly remember a time when some things were just a little sweeter.

Inspiration from the Past, Present

2008-12-18T08:29:00.000-08:00

I'm adding a new link to my blog roll today: Rafael Jesus Gonzalez's blog. Mr. Gonzalez was my first creative writing teacher, way back in 1991 at Laney College in Oakland. He was the first 'real' writer I'd ever met--someone who was completely committed to his craft, had high expectations for his students, and didn't spare us criticism or pity us in order to help us 'feel better' about our writing. He was also very generous and kind, so I don't want to give the impression that he was a cruel workshop taskmaster.

He was also a very accomplished writer who could've taken a much more prestigious teaching job than the one he had at a community college, having been anthologized in a Norton anthology and having published several books of poetry. I felt that he had a strong commitment to the kinds of students that attend Laney--lower-income, public-school educated students of color who otherwise might not ever get a chance to meet someone like Mr. Gonzalez, let alone have their writing workshopped by him.

I'm glad to see that he's still writing and keeping up with new technology by blogging. I'd run into Mr. Gonzalez every once in a while after I took his class--at protests, during big events in Oakland or San Francisco--and he was always smiling and ready with a hug for one of his many old students. I hope to run into him again sometime soon, online or otherwise. Would be a nice inspiration for me to continue my writing, so many long years after he first touched my life.

Too Many Updates...Lazy

2008-12-13T16:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's the season, the fact that I've been traveling a lot, the fact that I'm just getting over a brief flu, or that work is really wearing me down (even though I've only been back a week!), but I'm really feeling lazy these days.

Yes, lots has been happening since I blogged last. A short list: Obama after-glow, which promises not to wear off until well after the inauguration; the economy going down the tubeour spectacular, relaxing, romantic and super-fun honeymoon to Belize, which I plan to write about a little more on my wedding blog; going to New York City for work for a quick two days and seeing my sister and cousin; heading back to the office after being gone for nearly three weeks and feeling the weight of it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Of course, in the wider world even more things have been happening--the terrorist attack in Mumbai, which happened while we were in Belize, for one. And of course, the US war against Iraq rages on. And it's the holidays, to top it all off. I was actually glad that we were out of the country for the first time during Thanksgiving--our Thanksgiving 'dinner' consisted of some grilled shrimp, tropical drinks and a beachfront view of hundreds of white stars over the Caribbean. Much better than overstuffing oneself on tryptophan-dense turkey and stuffing while pretending to have fun.

The one thing I'm being the most lazy about, however, and which frightens me the most, is my writing. I did quite a bit of writing in Belize--on average, wrote 4 pages a day in my journal/notebook, which is pretty good for me, especially compared to how much non-work writing I do when I'm back home (almost none unless I have a deadline!). Of course, it's easy to write when you have nothing to occupy your time but meals, laying on the beach, walking through a sleepy beach village, and snuggling with your husband. That's when writing is easier.

It's when I'm back home, with all the distractions and annoyances and tasks and obligations of my everyday life that writing seems like some unattainable paradise. Which is why I'm leaving my full-time job in March so that I can plunge headlong into the world of consulting and hope I can still earn a decent living with the economy going down the tubes. But at least I'll have time to write. And honestly, I know that if I don't do this, if I don't take this time to write and de-prioritize nonprofit work which no longer feeds my soul the way it used to--I will literally be starving my soul.

But for now, until March rolls around (or at least until my winter break starts on Dec. 22), I have blogging. A quick, easily accessible, painless form of writing. It will have to do for now.

Some Peace and Quiet

2008-11-09T16:05:00.000-08:00

While I still can't believe that it hasn't even been one week since the election--seems like Tuesday was a long time ago, and that so much has changed since then--things seem to have calmed down a bit overall in my neck of the woods. People are still glowing post-Obama victory, but the frenzy of the late campaign / GOTV effort has disappeared and the more normal rhythm of life seems to be returning. And of course, folks are protesting Proposition 8, and that seems like another long road.

I, for one, didn't do a whole lot for this election--a little phonebanking here and there--but I felt the buzz of excitement nevertheless. It was hard to miss. So it's nice to have a nice, quiet Sunday here at home. Dealing with money issues, planning for the future, cleaning the house, enjoying the silence while H. visits his Dad (our Dad now! ;))

And I gather that all of us need this lull period to regain our strength, gather our energies and ground ourselves in our true values so that we can soon trudge forward with renewed conviction and clear vision. Because as President-Elect Obama himself has said, he won't be perfect. And even if he was, the rest of us would still need to do a lot to overhaul the economy, stop the war, rebuild our communities and love each other.

But for now, I'm content just basking in the glow of last week's movement victory, and getting myself ready for more struggles and victories up ahead.

Celebrate! Breathe...Then Get To Work

2008-11-04T21:59:00.000-08:00

I was at the Oakland Convention Center (aka the Marriott Hotel on 12th and Broadway) tonite at the Obama Phonebank to Victory-cum-Victory party event. Sandre Swanson, Barbara Lee and Ron Dellums--the pillars of Democratic elected leadership in Alameda County--spoke. There were hundreds of people there, of all races and ages, beaming and hopeful and alive.

It happened. The mantra for the night was 'Yes We Can!' with some modified 'Yes We Did"s thrown in once the announcement was made. Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States. The room erupted in applause when the electoral colleg tally made it past 270. As H. and I drove home, we heard whoops and hollers and screams of joy in the streets. We heard cars honking spontaneously and impromptu parties breaking out on street corners. We drove by the Parkway Theater and saw throngs of people jumping up and down and dancing.

I'm happy--elated even. I can't believe it's true. I never thought in my lifetime that a country that can be as racist and xenophobic and anti-Arab as this one could elect a Black man with a 'foreign' sounding name and a middle name like 'Hussein' to be the President of the United States. I underestimated the willingness of the people in this country to make change. A lot of us did.

But the most beautiful part of all of this is that this victory was won not by flooding the airwaves in battleground states with slick commercials bought with corporate dollars. It wasn't won just by virtue of being headed up by a charismatic leader. It was won thanks to a confluence of factors, yes, but at the heart of the matter, grassroots organizing was what won this Presidential race.

I've been saying it since the 2000 election--that if the Democrats would just bother to expand the electorate, to go back to their core constituents of people of color, poor people, LGTBQ people, union folks, young people, etc., they could win. And in 2000 and again in 2004, they didn't do that. They tried to win over the moderate likely voters. And they lost (the right-wing also stole thousands of votes, but in my mind the Democrats should've fought that, so in that way they gave up too).

Barack Obama and his campaign team knew that the formula to win was right before them, and that it would take a lot of regular everyday folks like you and me to make their campaign victorious. That if they helped people feel empowered to take action, if they organized enough people and taught them how to organize and mobilize other people and could do it in a disciplined and strategic way, they would win. And they were right. And they did it. And they won.

Barack's email to his supporters tonite summed it up best I think, even better than his acceptance speech: That grassroots organizing by everyday folks was the key to his victory, and will be the key to getting our country onto a path of peace and justice. Here's the email:

Rona --

I'm about to head to Grant Park to talk to everyone gathered there, but I wanted to write to you first.

We just made history.

And I don't want you to forget how we did it.

You made history every single day during this campaign -- every day you knocked on doors, made a donation, or talked to your family, friends, and neighbors about why you believe it's time for change.

I want to thank all of you who gave your time, talent, and passion to this campaign.

We have a lot of work to do to get our country back on track, and I'll be in touch soon about what comes next.

But I want to be very clear about one thing...

All of this happened because of you.

Thank you,

Barack,

All Out for Obama

2008-10-30T08:17:00.001-07:00

If you didn't get to see the Obama-Biden campaign's fancy, well-produced $4 million commercial last night--which was brilliant, brilliant, brilliant--you can watch it here, courtesy of the campaign itself.

I've been too busy lately working and trying to do a little bit of elections work that I don't have time for a lengthy blog post, but let me just make a few key points about the Obama campaign:

-It's probably the smartest Presidential campaign I've witnessed in my lifetime. The campaign's use of technology to reach not just young voters but all voters (and non-voters! which is even more crucial this year) with their messages is fascinating and brilliant (there's that word again). If you don't believe me then log on to BarackObama.com and find out for yourself.

-He's running a tight, well-oiled grassroots campaign. Just read an on-the-ground report from Colorado If the packed Obama East Bay headquarters I saw last weekend are any indication, there's no doubt Obama will win the popular vote (of course, the Republicans and far-right fanatics will do everything they can to make sure that vote isn't counted properly, as they did in 2000 and 2004). But even more than that, his campaign's slogan in these past few days has been 'Run through the tape', meaning don't get overconfident and cocky. I think this is more than inspiring rhetoric--it's a way to make sure that Obama wins by an undisputable landslide in as many states as possible--who ever heard of Montana, North Dakota and North Carolina becoming Democratic swing states?--so that his opponents won't be able to get away with stealing the election.

-His campaign's ability to utilize technology and grassroots organizing to fundraise from the bottom-up is simply astounding. ASTOUNDING. But also not rocket science. They ask, ask, ask (I think I get at least three emails a day asking for money), and they get, get, get. Who would've thought even a year ago that the first Black Presidential nominee-to-be would be able to afford to buy 30 minutes of airtime on four major networks during prime time? It's ridiculous and amazing and beautiful. And he did it mostly on donations of less than $250. Simple frickin' beautiful. I don't anyone to tell me anymore that poor people don't give money or that small donations don't matter. Obama has blown that argument clean out of the water for good.

-I'm so in awe of how poised, Presidential, sincere and compassionate Mr. Obama (I'd say 'President' but I don't want to jinx it) is in the ad, and in all of his media appearances. This is a man who's been called a Muslim (by the same people who decry his connection to Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who is the pastor of a Christian Church), a terrorist who cavorts with domestic terrorists, a baby-killer, a commie faggot, etc., and whose grandmother is extremely ill in the last few days leading up to the biggest day of his life, and he still manages to walk out into the limelight with the regal bearing that is his trademark. I did notice a slight indentation between his brows yesterday that I didn't notice before--perhaps a sign of human weakness, stress? But other than that, he has proven over and over again how ready he is to take office during probably one of the most difficult periods in United States history.

-Taking the moral high ground works. Obama never mentioned McCain or Palin or even the Republican party last night. It was clear he felt he didn't have to. He felt that telling his truth would be enough. Worked for me (and i wasn't even the intended audience for the ad). I have faith it will work for the rest of the people that still need to be convinced.

All out for Obama folks! H. and I will be phonebanking this weekend, and hopefully attending the marathon phonebanks slated to take place at Oakland's Marriott Convention Center. It'll be the happening place!

What My Ballot Will Look Like on Nov. 4 (So Far)

2008-10-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

We lucky Californians have a long ballot on our plates for November 4th, thanks to a slew of propositions that are mostly just wrong wrong wrong. I still have to research a few of these to figure out how I'll vote, but here's where I stand now:

Local Measures:
Yes on Measure OO to ensure much-needed funding for children and youth programs in Oakland. In a year when violent crime is on the rise, these programs are needed more than ever.

No on Measure N, which was placed on our ballot by the State Superintendent of Public Instruction, probably to win some political points in his buildup to running for Governor in 2010.

Yes on Measure VV. Not only because I ride the bus, but because poor people, elderly folks and young people all rely on public transit to get around and live.

Yes on Measure WW, because I love our East Bay Parks and I believe that having green, open, undeveloped land is important to the health and well-being of any community.

Other measures I'm still pondering: Measure NN (more cops)

President of the United States - Barack Obama

California Statewide Ballot Measures:
YES:
Proposition 2
Proposition 5

NO NO NO to these heinous ballot initiatives that are just an abuse of the initiative process:
Proposition 4, which would force doctors and abortion providers to notify parents when their daughters are seeking abortions. I'm against it because I grew up in an abusive household, and nothing would have scared me more than to have to tell my parents I was pregnant. This law is all about limiting a woman's right to choose what to do with her body, not about creating more harmonious families.

Proposition 6, which would try juveniles as adults and further criminalize our young people, many of whom have so little opportunity to do positive things with their lives--the school system being as crappy as it is--that they turn to street life to just survive.

Proposition 7, which promises to deliver clean energy but is really just a scam on the part of utilities companies.

No on Proposition 8, which scares the shit out of me. Really, aren't there more important things to fight than whether people should have the right to love and marry the people they choose? As someone who's recently married myself, this initiative scares and saddens me, especially when I think about all my friends who are queer and just want to live and love without being intimidated or seen as 'illegal'. Gay rights are obviously not just about marriage, but I can't help but think that if gay marriage were legal in this nation then it would set a precedent for a lot of other pro-gay and anti-hate policies to come into place. As one of my colleagues who is in an interracial marriage recently said, "Fifty years ago my marriage would have been illegal too."

Proposition 9, which would eliminate early parole for nonviolent offenders, among other wrong-headed things. And especially at a time when our state and national economy is in tatters, throwing more money at inhumane, ineffective and expensive imprisonment strategies is not the answer to crime.

Other ballot initiaitives I'm still pondering: Propositions 10, 11 and 12.

Whew! That's a whole lot to vote on. But i'll be there with my black pen in hand and looking forward to getting my 'I Voted' oval sticker to wear proudly all day. I hope you'll be at the polls too.

A Cop Who's Doing the Right Thing

2008-10-17T08:13:00.001-07:00

I was searching online today for examples of resistance to housing foreclosures, and am inspired and hopeful after finding this story about an Illinois sheriff who is halting tenant evictions in his county which are the result of the foreclosure crisis. I was talking to a co-worker yesterday about how people will start doing what they need to do to survive, and if that means resisting injustice and potentially breaking unfair laws--the way Martin Luther King, Jr and Gandhi and every other peace activist who fought for justice has done--in order to do so, that's what people will do. The fact that this story is about a sheriff is even more awesome, because we lefties don't think of cops as being our allies most of the time (with reason). But this goes to show that cops are just people, like the rest of us, who have hearts and consciences and who can do what's right when they are so moved.

I applaud Sheriff Dart and hope there are other Sheriffs out there like him who refuse to comply with the unjust evictions of innocent tenants who are victims of Wall Street's greed.

Scary Video, Sweet Video

2008-10-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

Just a glimpse into the two different worlds that seem to be coming to a head in the United States right now.

Scary world: Bitter, angry ultra-conservative, seemingly proudly racist folks in Ohio at a recent McCain-Palin rally.

Sweet world: A first-grade teacher who is also a lesbian is greeted with a shower of flowers by her students in San Francisco.

I know which world I want to belong to (and already do, thank God--H. and I are not a same-sex couple but were lucky enough to have our civil ceremony at SF City Hall).

Which world do you want to live in?

Stealing an Election--Legally

2008-10-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

There are probably other examples of how conservatives are trying to challenge the rights of new voters, who are being registered literally by the millions all over the country by both major parties, as well as several nonpartisan, grassroots organizations, but this was the first one I've come across. The scary thing is that the Republicans are now using 'legal' means to try and dismiss possibly hundreds of thousands of newly registered voters from the Ohio rolls.

I have a couple friends who actually worked on the ground in Ohio, registering and educating and mobilizing voters to the polls during the 2000 and 2004 elections. And from what they observed, what they saw on the doors and in neighborhoods--large numbers of people turning out to vote for the Democratic Presidential candidate (Gore or Kerry)--just didn't jive with what 'officially' happened in Ohio: the state swinging to Bush, giving him the electoral college votes he needed to win the election. Rolling Stone magazine and other sources have written about this and documented incidents of clear voter fraud in the 2004 election.

But now, conservatives are taking a slightly different tack. Whether you love or hate right-wingers, you gotta give them something, they are some clever, ruthless MFers. I shudder to think that this is just the beginning of the battles that will follow to discredit Democratic or otherwise anti-Republican/right wing elections officials, and to disenfranchise voters (especially those that are young and / or African-American, both of which will vote overwhelmingly for Obama in November). But the history of federal elections in the last eight years tells us that the Republicans will do whatever they need to to win. To quote one of my favorite and insightful comedians, Cedric the Entertainer, George W. Bush and his party didn't win the 2000 election, they "just thugged [their] way up into the White House. Like Suge Bush!"

And don't think they won't try it again. Join the effort to ensure a fair election and protect voters' rights to cast their ballot and have it counted.

Wedding reportback

2008-10-03T06:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, the wedding happened, just about two weeks ago at the Mills College Chapel in Oakland, and the reception happened at the First Unitarian Church in downtown Oakland. Both beautiful venues, although Mills staff are an absolute horror to deal with, but I won't get into that now. The Unitarian Church staff are a dream--friendly, helpful, professional and knowledgeable. They do tons of weddings and other events so they know what's up.

In any case, my real wedding reportback is on my wedding blog. No photos yet though, unfortunately, just a fairly thorough update of the event. Enjoy!

101 Too Many

2008-09-15T08:02:00.001-07:00

I'm not so wrapped up in wedding planning madness that I don't check the local newspaper, where I read this distressing article about the four killlings this past weekend that bumped Oakland's number of homicides this year to 101. Last year at this time, as the article claims, the number of murders in Oakland was 97.

Neither number is one that I want to have associate with the deaths of people in Oakland, my adopted hometown.

The complex problems that lead to these murders are too numerous for me to detail in this brief blog post, but J. Douglas-Allen Taylor does a pretty good job getting to some of these. I am not surprised but am dismayed at the way the Tribune (and the Chronicle, no doubt) portrayed the sideshows as death-shows, with loaded language about one of this weekend's homicides taking place 'a few miles' from a sideshow but still somehow linking it to these fairly spontaneous street events where local youth do donuts in the street, drink, hang out and generally make a lot of noise, sometimes disturbing the residents who may live nearby. Taylor's column does a good job at examining the broader social and political and racial landscape that puts the sideshows into a context--it's never as simple as the media, or even the man on the street, would have us believe.

I was in a site visit with a funder for my organization the other day, a funder that happens to fund work in Oakland specifically. She asked me at one point how the increased violence has affected our organizing work and our youth. I wasn't surprised by her question but I was a little surprised at my own response--a shrug that came close to indifference, although indifference wasn't what I was trying to convey. What I told her was that for most of our youth, the violence has been going on for so long, and has been so much a part of their everyday lives--they aren't the ones that only worry when restaurants get robbed on Piedmont Avenue or Lakeshore or in the Glenview neighborhood--that it's not like this recent spike was really anything new to them. So many of our youth have heard, seen or know of people getting killed on their block, or have had friends been shot and killed, that to call this recent spike a crisis and pay more attention to it than we would in years when the homicide rate was much lower, is a bit insulting to the reality of those that live in deep East Oakland or West Oakland and who deal with violence daily. I agree with my friend M., who grew up in East Oakland, that only when middle or upper-middle class white folks and professional people start getting robbed do people pay attention. I wrote something similar when I wrote about Chauncey Bailey's murder.

But when are we going to break out of our 'safe', illusory cocoons, wake up and realize that every death in this city, whether we knew the person or not, is connected to our lives? That violence that happens two feet or two miles away from us is our business too? That our willful ignorance and neglect of the violent and often impoverished and bleak realities of the people that are turning to crime and murder is part of the problem? Too often, people like me--middle-class, college-educated, living fairly comfortable lives--don't do anything until something happens to us, or someone that we know, or someone like us. We are motivated only by our fear of harm to our own persons, our own safety, when others walk around in our city feeling unsafe all the time, not just during years like this one.

Well, I, for one, want to be motivated by love, and I challenge all of my fellow Oaklanders who gripe and complain and sit on their hands when it comes to the violence in this city to do the same. Can we, as the Buddha and Gandhi and every other nonviolent leader in history has urged us, reach out in love and compassion to each other, to the strangers that walk past us? Can we say good morning to someone that we think might not speak the same language as us--whether that language is English or street slang? Can we challenge ourselves to rise above our own fear and feel compassion and empathy for not only the people that have been killed but for the people who wielded the weapon that brought about those deaths? Until we see that all of our lives are connected and intertwined--as this violent crisis, global warming/climate change, and numerous other major events in the world today show us--we will never be able to solve these persistent and disturbing problems.

Try it, if you don't believe me. Say 'hello' to someone that you pass everyday when you walk around Oakland--a young Black man or an older Asian immigrant. Smile. Be human, and see them as such. Make a connection. Eventually, you might end up having a conversation with someone that otherwise you would've just made lots of assumptions about, and you might learn that they are not that different than you. Or if that's too vague and unstructured an activity, volunteer to be a mentor to a young person who doesn't have lots of positive role models to look up to, help out at a local youth group or school, or if you don't have time to give, make a donation to an anti-violence group like the Silence the Violence project. Volunteer as an advocate for children in foster care.Talk to your neighbors. Get to know Oakland as a community, a group of people, a neighborhood, a place you call home, rather than a place you go to sleep at night.

For now, I'm sitting with this and thinking of the families and friends of those that were killed this weekend. I pray for them, and for the recently departed, and I pray for this city, that we can pull together in the ways that we need to to bring this cycle of neglect, oppression and violence to an end.

Getting Closer to Democracy

2008-09-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

While the two-party certainly sucks for many reasons, and historically voter turnout in this country is abysmally low--my guess is probably even lower than in a place like my family's native country of the Philippines, where corruption in politics is rampant and well-documented--I am encouraged by this article on how newly registered, first-time voters are the wild card in this year's big Presidential race. I wholeheartedly agree that pollsters--yes, the same pollsters who are cranking out all these polls of likely voters saying how close Obama and McCain are running--have no idea what to do with this group of people, which this year number in the millions, though I can't find a solid number.

Yes, the Democrats are registering these new voters, so the first thought one would have is that these new voters will turn out in droves in November. Possibly. Registered a new voter and getting to vote are two different things. And it's another thing as well to get them to vote your way. But with Obama's massive popularity with young people never waning these days--and with Generation Y or the "Millenials" vying for the baby-boomers' demographic dominance in the American landscape--you can be sure that if these new and young voters get to the polls, they will mostly be voting for the Democratic ticket.

A ray of hope for us progressives on an otherwise shadowy horizon (a shadow cast by Palin, of course)? I think so. But it doesn't mean that we don't have some work ahead of us to make sure we take even more steps towards a real democracy in this country. Getting more people to vote is just the beginning. Even electing Obama into office isn't the end-all, be-all of our struggle. But I believe, for the first time in a while, that we can do it, together. Like Obama's campaign and the United Farmworkers and Cesar Chavez and community organizers around the world have said for decades, "Yes We Can."

Missing Kali

2008-09-03T06:36:00.000-07:00

It's been several years now since I had a regular Kali (one of many Filipino Martial Arts (or FMA as some people call them). This article from the Oakland Tribune made me realize why I loved practicing Kali and made me miss it. It was a way to ground myself in the body, and in a certain level of consciousness that extended far beyond my body, a kind of consciousness that also went beyond the classes I took with Gura Michelle Bautista, my main teacher, who was trained by our Master/Tuhan Joe Arriola of the Kamatuuran School. A quick excerpt from the Tribune article about what sets FMA apart from other martial arts like karate:

"The weapon, really, is just an extension of the hands," [Alexander Bautista Bayot] France, [an FMA master and instructor at Hayward Martial Arts] said. "Take the weapon out and we still have a complete and highly efficient martial arts system."

And weapons, France said, can be anything.

Have a 6-inch pen at your disposal? That can easily become your dagger, he said. How about that broomstick laying in the garage?

"Now you have a staff," France said.

I loved the economy of movement of Kali, and the way you could make a weapon out of anything, such as a frying pan (which many Black women and others have used historically to defend themselves against abusive husbands), a cell phone (point to throat and shove hard), even a coat (you can throw it in someone's face or over their knife). Many people have seen Kali and not even known it, as Matt Damon trained in it and used it for his Jason Bourne movie series. When I first saw 'Bourne Identity' I immediately recognized the quick moves that Jason Bourne uses as Kali--and I was super-excited to see this beautiful art finally given its due on the big screen. I remember tugging on H.'s arm and whispering urgently, "That's Kali!"

As the wedding planning ramps up to breakneck speed I find myself craving the release of physical action like Kali to get my aggressions out. Maybe after the wedding I'll start going to Gura's classes again. Or maybe I'll try to find some time beforehand to haul my butt over there. Nothing like a little stick- and knife-fighting to make a warrior-woman like me feel better!

Hope is a Good, Good Thing

2008-08-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

I've been working for progressive, social justice nonprofits and been active on various electoral and community organizing campaigns for the past thirteen years. That doesn't make me a hardened, wizened veteran by any means, but it also means that I've seen a few things. And yes, I've become more and more cynical every year I witness the increasing degradation of our amazing planet's natural resources, the war-profiteering of privileged (mostly) white men in conservative suits, the unjust criminalization of poor people of color and young people, the governmental neglect of places like post-Katrina New Orleans and the Gulf South, and more and more impoverished people roaming the streets of the wealthiest country in the world.

And even though I've drawn lots of inspiration from the young people that develop into amazing leaders at Californians for Justice where I have had the privilege to work for the past four years, I do believe that, for the most part, I'd become a bit bitter about American politics. I think a part of my heart had really given up on this country, on the potential of the people who live here to come together, help each other, and work for a better world.

Tonite, I started to feel an emotion that I think I hadn't felt for more than a fleeting few moments for a long, long time. I was watching Barack Obama make his acceptance speech as the Democratic Presidential nominee, and I felt a stirring in my heart that felt both new and familiar. I can remember feeling this emotion when I first started doing activist work, and saw what ordinary people were willing to do to create a better future for themselves and their children. I've felt this feeling when I see a young person--who came to CFJ barely being able to speak in a group of ten other students--stand up in front of two-hundred people and make a passionate, articulate and intelligent speech. I felt this emotion when I've protested with Filipino WWII veterans in front of the White House, or at a UC Regents meeting, or at a hotel workers picket in San Francisco.

This feeling is Hope. Yes, Hope with a capital 'H'. I know it sounds hokey and sentimental and silly on some levels, but this the truth and this is real. I feel hope for the future of this country and this planet for the first time in a long while. I don't think even I realized how long it'd been since I truly felt hopeful about regular American people of all races and creeds and backgrounds being able to come together to do something good for the world. Hope, it's a powerful feeling.

And I have to admit, it feels really, really good.

Rest in Peace: Two Legends

2008-08-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

I, like many others, was shocked and saddened to learn of the deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes this past weekend. To lose two highly talented, legendary and still relatively young Black stars in the same few days is terrible. And I also just read that, ironically enough, the two had recently finished shooting a film together called Soul Men, which also features Sam Jackson, and tells the story of two musicians (Jackson and Mac) who come together to mourn and commemorate their late band-mate.

A sad day indeed. Thanks Isaac and Bernie for all the positive and funny and beautiful and truthful and cool things you brought into this world, and for sharing your gifts with all of us. You will be missed.

It's Been A While

2008-07-23T22:01:00.001-07:00

I know, I've been a neglectful blogger. Life has just been too full of real-life dramas, work, mini-crises, joys and important events that I haven't had time to blog. This weekend, for example, I will be presenting a workshop as well as participating in a debate at Raising Change: A Social Justice Fundraising Conference. I'm a little stressed out about both, but also really excited to be in a space with 600 other movement fundraisers, organizers and activists talking about money and power and politics and how to integrate all three in a way that's progressive, strategic and ethical.

Wedding stuff has definitely taken over a good chunk of my day-to-day life as well. Less than 60 days left 'til the big day! I can hardly believe it. And it seems like just yesterday that I didn't even know what dress I was going to wear.

I have found some time to go blog-trolling, and added Ivy Hill neighbor Nicole Clausing's blog to my roll.

I can't promise I'll be back anytime soon, so take care while I'm gone!

Waste Not, Want Not

2008-07-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

I just saw Wall-E last night, the new movie about the last lonely robot on a future, uninhabitable Earth whose job (or 'directive' as they say in the film) is to compact bits of trash into small cubes and build huge skyscrapers of compacted garbage. Although it's a G-rated film, the talented folks at Pixar definitely had an adult audience in mind when they made this strangely and wonderfully sweet and romantic dystopian movie, and I think everyone should go see it. As a film, it's brilliant cinematically, plot-wise and in terms of character development and 'acting' by the animated robots. As a commentary on the effects of our rampant consumerism and accompanying laziness (especially in the First World) on the Earth and our own evolution, it's also totally on target and profound. My stomach even started to turn a little when they showed the potential future of human beings in outer space: each human being, fat from lack of exercise and having machines do everything for us, sitting in individual moving chairs that have people plugged in to an instant-gratification communication, shopping and entertainment monitor (sound familiar to anyone?) and oblivious to anything else going on around them. It was bizarrely cute, creepy, comical and uncanny at the same time.

The film made me think a lot about how much we waste things in this country, in this society. I remember when I went back to the Philippines, to the province where my family lived (basically the countryside) and there were so few garbage cans anywhere. Not that there wasn't garbage to be sure--they burned a lot of it which has its own environmental downsides--but there was much, much less there than here, because they recycled so much. In Cuba even moreso, there was so little garbage. I remember being in Santiago and even Havana, the two largest cities in Cuba, and being amazed at the lack of trash on the streets, even in the garbage cans that sat unused at the edge of plazas and sidewalks. When you don't have much, you don't waste things, you figure out other ways to use them. Cuba is the best example to me of a country that has survived, despite massive economic and political pressure from the US, by recycling and repurposing 'old' stuff. And they've not only survived--albeit on a level of tough struggle that I don't envy--they've been able to create beautiful works of automotive art out of salvaged cars and parts, maintain and evolve a rich musical heritage through the decades that includes music like son, 'salsa', reggaeton and Cuban hip hop, and become a popular tourist destination for people from the Global North who want to experience this amazing display of ingenuity, culture and resistance.

I'm rethinking how I can have less, waste less and therefore want less. It's no longer a way of life that I think we can decide to choose or not choose. By our past choices to waste and exploit and be greedy with the Earth's resources, we are quickly realizing that this new way of anti-waste is choosing us.

Part of the Matrix Again

2008-07-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my writing retreat, and damn, I have to say that I am an Internet junkie, moreso than I thought I was. There was a wireless connection at the retreat center I was at, but it was a good 100 yard walk from my little cabin, and I was trying to wean myself from the addiction, so I only used it three times while I was there. But then again, I was only there for three days so I pretty much used it everyday. It's funny, because I pride myself on being a Gen-Xer who still knows how to ask for directions and use a (paper!) map versus relying on Mapquest or a GPS device, but I have to say that I'm disturbed by how dependent I feel on DSL. Ick.

Maybe I need to put myself on an Internet diet. My friend Julie Davidson-Gomez did this once and blogged about it. Sounds intriguing. I'm super-dependent on email at work, and because of how we're set up, with several offices all over the state, it would be pretty hard not to use email for a couple days, but on the weekends there really isn't a real reason for me to use the Internet. I mean, I could check my bank account balance via phone, I can actually CALL people---texting is sort of cheating, but technically isn't not email, right?--instead of emailing them, i could actually just use the phone to find out the hours of a certain store I want to go to. Remember that thing called a landline? Yes, I could actually even use one of those.

Hmph. It's an interesting concept. I'd like to play with it more. I am proud to say that without 24-hour access to an Internet connection I was able to get a lot done, including tons of writing, and still not feel very bored the rest of the time. I read a lot, I listened to music (okay, I didn't stop using my computer for things other than writing--that would be too much to ask!) and I actually paid attention to the little sounds of nature around me, and of course, to the quiet. That was so soothing to this stressed-out, over-stimulated city chick.

No promises now, but maybe in a week or so I'll try to 'unplug' just from the Internet for a couple days. We'll see how it goes.

Missing Pride...But Still Connected

2008-06-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm actually out of town (for like the forth time in a month) for a self-designed writing retreat. I'm really excited to be here--'here' being the Santa Cruz Mountains, which are still beautiful despite all the news about the big fires, and the redwood forest is as awe-inspiring as ever--and to give myself this gift of peace, quiet and time.

I am kinda bummed that doing this retreat this weekend--it made the most sense to do it this weekend because I had a board meeting in San Jose yesterday and Santa Cruz is just an hour south of there--meant I'd have to miss Gay Pride weekend back in Frisco. I haven't gone in a few years but I do try to go every once in a while. The big crowds can be a little draining, but there's no big festival in San Francisco (or the Bay Area, for that matter) that's as colorful and fun and crazy as Pride. Where else can you see leather daddies, dykes on bikes, gay families, straight-ish 'friends' (like me) and tons of trannies doing their thing in the middle of the street for all to see? It's also cute to see all the queer tourists that fly into the Bay Area for the big bash. They look almost like regular tourists--replete with cameras hanging from their necks and wearing those awful fleece sweatshirts in royal blue and gray that read 'San Francisco' above an embroidered image of the Golden Gate Bridge--but they're walking in pairs of women and pairs of men instead.

Oh well, another Pride, another year. I can always go next year. And since they have an internet connection here (although I have to walk a few hundred yards to access it, which is better as I'd get NO real writing done if I had access all the time), I can look at the photos from the parade and stuff on the San Francisco Chronicle's site. It seems like this year's pride would've been a lot bigger and more interesting because of the gay marriage decision by the Supreme Court, which is cool. Lots of wedding drag--as a blushing bride myself, I can dig it!

Before You Start Celebrating the Heat

2008-06-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

The big heat wave we had last week was scary to me--not to mention uncomfortable and downright oppressive. I can't remember ever having a heat advisory in the coastal Bay Area (San Francisco, Oakland, Alameda, Berkeley), but we had one last week. Unimaginable really. And then to go from 90+ degree weather to the 60s yesterday and the day before. Eerie.

I'm sure I'm not the only person going around saying that global warming and climate change is responsible for these extreme weather patterns. But some people, even progressives who are heat-lovers I guess, have seemed happy when I see them during these hot times. I always think that's bizarre, because these are the same folks who also do their best to turn off all the lights when they leave the house, who are energy-efficiency- ("We just bought our second Prius!") and recycling-obsessed ("Um, WHY would you need to use a dryer for your laundry? I have a clothesline right here in my pocket!"), and who generally love the Earth.

For a reality check on what these heat waves indicate for our geological future and the future of our species, here's an article from the Oakland Tribune today about the possible effects of climate change on native plants in California. I was especially struck by the fact that many of California's native plants have weathered literally thousands of years of weather fluctuations, but are now quickly losing ground (literally) because of the rapid pace of change in temperature and rainfall here.

So the next time the thermometer hits 80 degrees and you start smiling because it's beach weather now, just keep it all in perspective and keep doing all that recycling and hybrid-car-driving and carbon-footprint-reducing behavior. It might just help balance things out a little bit.

"Your Whiteness is Showing"

2008-06-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

That's a line from this article by Tim Wise, about the white feminists who are (publicly or not) deciding not to pull their support over to the Obama camp now that Clinton has officially (and frickin' finally!) stepped out of the race.

I really like Tim's writing and work, because he tells it like it is in a way that people of color can really say, 'Thanks for being a good white ally! We need more of you." I wonder though if his sometimes in-your-face rhetoric actually gets through to the well-meaning White liberals he's often trying to address.

Anyway, judge for yourself. And have a beautiful Sunday!

Obama (do)Nation

2008-06-04T19:53:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm a member of the Obama Nation, officially, starting today. And more importantly, the $25 donation I just made to Obama's campaign, to help him win against Republican John McCain in the November election, is the first donation I have ever made to a Presidential campaign in my life. I think Obama actually can help turn this country around, and the fact that he has raised more than 90% of of his campaign funds from people making gifts of $200 or less, which totally flies in the face of conventional fundraising wisdom and strategy, signals to me that he has captured the imagination of this country, and that ordinary people are ready to work with him and each other to make this country a truly great one.

Coming from a fundraiser who routinely makes donations large and small to all kinds of organizations, and sometimes (although rarely) to politicians, the fact that I've made my first Presidential campaign to Obama says something. Make of it what you will.

Time to Think...And Dream

2008-05-31T18:53:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this blogpost from a beautiful, serene place in the Adirondack Mountains in upstate New York, called the Blue Mountain Center. It's a special place that was made possible by the generosity and far-reaching vision of Adam Hochschild, one of the founders of Mother Jones Magazine, and an accomplishsed author in his own right. Progressive writers and activists (and writer/activists) are welcome to Blue Mountain to rest, rejuvenate and write. More importantly, the open space here--which includes a lovely garden with stone labyrinths, a lake to canoe and row on, and miles of hiking trails, offers a weary city-bound radical like me the opportunity to escape the noise and hubbub of the concrete jungle and have some time to do something truly radical: THINK.

I'm here as part of a small gathering of people assembled by Kim Klein, a renowned fundraiser and fundraising trainer, author and a good friend and mentor of mine. She's been working on something called The Commons, which I like to think of as the resources and space that we as human beings hold in common in order to live and thrive. More on this in a later post, as the internet connection here at Blue Mountain leaves much to be desired, and I have no idea how long it'll keep working.

But suffice it to say that I'm glad I've taken two days off work and traveled for about 12 hours to get here and be in what my friend and colleague Julie Davidson-Gomez calls 'Dreamspace'. That is, a space of imagining the possibilities to come, the ideals that we wish to manifest in our lives and in the lives of our children and grandchildren, the visions that we work so hard in our activist and social change work to make real (someday, if not sooner). I think I hadn't realized until I got here--and began having dreaming, visioning discussions of what it would take to truly have everything that our communities needed to survive and thrive--that I rarely occupy this Dreamspace these days, at least at work. My fiction writing (the novel's on the backburner but I've been working on a story about a future dystopia) helps me get into that space, but I rarely spend more than a couple hours a week doing that. I remembered, being here, in the splendor and lushness of nature in the Adirondacks, that not only is dreaming and imagining crucial to our work as organizers and activists who are trying to build a better world, it is crucial to our very humanity, to our experience of what it means to be fully human.

I'm leaving Blue Mountain and this gathering of people tomorrow, and while I'm homesick (I know, pathetic huh, even after just two days) and tired of travel, I'm sad to be going. It's rare that any of us, during these work-work-work-hectic modern times, gets to have this opportunity to just think, to imagine, and to dream. Thanks Kim and to all my colleagues gathered here for helping to create that space.

The End of an Era

2008-05-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

Two big changes are occurring this week that, to me, herald the end of an era in my life, and in the lives of many thousands of people in the Bay Area. For this reason, I'm feeling really nostalgic this week, and sad that the Bay Area has and will continue to change so much. As someone who was born and grew up here, it's always been hard for me to express to the new transplants what some of these changes mean to me, but here goes.

First, in my sleepy hometown of Alameda, which hasn't changed a whole lot since I was growing up there in the 1970s, the town's first movie cineplex is opening this month. To give you a sense of how little Alameda has changed since I was a kid, the Chinese restaurant that I used to go to with my mom when I was all of five years old is still there, near the corner of Webster and Lincoln (albeit with a different name). The corner store where I used to get push-ups when I was in pre-school is still there, as is the schools I attended from preschool through second grade. And although they've changed the name of it to 'Alameda Towne Center', Southshore Mall still stands, one of the few outdoor malls in East Bay, and I can still remember running along the planters and curbs when I was a little girl.

H. and I have, over the past few years since we moved back to Oakland, been spending more time in my hometown than I have in a long time. It's a nice place to sort of escape to when the more crowded and grittier streets of Oakland start to get dreary. In Alameda, there's usually plenty of parking (although that's been changing over the last couple years), cool restaurants and stores to visit, and a quiet vibe that makes me feel comfortable, as well as nostalgic for my childhood.

I don't think it's a stretch to say that the opening of this big new cineplex may change all that forever. Alamedans, for better or worse, have always resisted building big-box stores and large entertainment complexes on the Island, and as much as I knew that that resistance had as much to do with classism and racism (not wanting the poor Black and Brown masses to come flocking over from Oakland) as it did with NIMBY-anti-corporate sentiment, I appreciated residents' hardcore loyalty to their small-town environment, and relished the suburban serenity I could enjoy just a few minutes from my apartment in Oakland. With the new theater opening, 'downtown' Alameda and the Park Street corridor will in a few short years, completely transform into a traffic-choked, no-parking-available, suburban shopping maze, and although I'm sure I'll spend time there too, eating at my favorite restaurants in the area and watching foreign films, I know I'll also feel nostalgic for a more relaxed, more anonymous time in Alameda's history, when only residents knew where the good places were to get Thai or Chinese food or sushi, where to get your hair cut, and when you could get parking any time of the day or night without having to drive around for twenty minutes.

The second big change is that long-time KTVU anchor Dennis Richmond has retired. I know it's going to sound silly, but Dennis Richmond retiring makes me feel that, finally, in my 36th year on earth, I'm no longer a kid. Because for all this time, I could experience a sense of familiarity and trust just by turning on a newscast. I've been watching Dennis on the 10 o'clock news for as long as I can remember--when I was a little girl growing up in Alameda, when I was an adolescent living in San Jose, when I was a college student at Berkeley and beyond. He's been a comforting, dignified and consistent presence in the news media for forty years, and while I'm happy for him that he is able to retire and enjoy some relaxation after working for so long, his departure from the news room truly is the end of an era. My friend M. and I were chatting online today about how we trusted him and how, as people of color, we were proud that a Black man was up there delivering the news every night on television. We also talked about how we respected his clear commitment to integrity and excellence in journalism. He is truly one of the last if not the last truly great news anchors. I'll miss knowing that if I want to get more objective, straight-ahead news and not the 'infotainment' that passes for news these days, I can turn to Channel 2 and Dennis Richmond.

Happy retirement, Dennis, and thanks for all that you've done in service to Truth. I'll miss you.

A Little Goes a Long Way...

2008-05-13T22:06:00.001-07:00

...in terms of US dollars, given as donations to relief efforts in Burma/Myanmar and China, where a cyclone and an earthquake, respectively, have left tens of thousands of people dead, injured, homeless and suffering. Please make a donation to one of the following groups:

The Red Cross' China Relief Fund.

Doctors Without Borders, which has launched relief efforts in Myanmar.

And if you live in California, don't forget to stock up on your emergency supplies in case our own 'big one' hits (knock on wood).

An Update

2008-05-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I haven't been blogging much lately is that I have a new job at my organization, Californians for Justice. It's been an intense, exciting, whirlwind kind of time the last few weeks, but I feel like I'm settling into my new role well, and surprisingly, feel very comfortable with this new leadership position. Wish me luck!

Speaking of work, we're organizing with many of our allies to do a big mobilization in Sacramento on May 15, both to protest the Governor's proposed cuts to education, as well as to put forward our vision for what public education should be providing for students in California.

Hope you can come! And if you can't make it all the way up to Sacramento, please consider making a donation to CFJ at this crucial time. Thanks!

Planes, Trains, Automobiles

2008-04-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

When I was a young, shy thing, way back in high school, I studied French passionately (is there any other way to study that language? especially when you're a teenager?), dreamed of traveling far past the confines of my parents' uber-strict household to points overseas, and planned to major in International Business so that I could do so. I rarely traveled anywhere as a child (long drives to suburban havens like Tanforan or New Park Mall notwithstanding), so traveling for work seemed to me at the time glamorous, sophisticated and exciting.

Now that I actually do travel for work, I realize that business travel is not all it's cracked up to be. Granted, I'm not flying to Paris or Tokyo for my business trips--most of my travel is in-state--but even after being in the Big Apple (probably the most exciting place I get to travel to for work) this past week, I'm weary of even the idea of travel for my job. (Not to mention, my legs feel like spaghetti because I feel like I've been sitting in moving vehicles of some kind or another for most of the past week). It's tiring, takes a lot of time to prepare for, stressful and not always fun. I also have done a fair share of traveling for personal reasons recently, so I've just been on too many planes, trains and automobiles for my taste. I just don't think the human body was meant to travel at 500 mph in giant steel machines. (Of course, if I was just jetsetting all over the world with an unlimited budget and got to go to relaxing places like tropical countries and beach resorts, I might not mind). Actually, right now I'm blogging I think for the first time from an airport (Phoenix International, which thankfully has free wifi that's pretty fast, since my flight back home is delayed).

On the other hand, I get to go to new places, get to learn more about people from different parts of the country/world, visit my many relatives and friends who live outside the Bay Area, and hone my travel-writing skills with my reviews of hotels and such on TripAdvisor and Yelp.

This last trip was to New York City for funder visits (we really only had two, but that was cool because it meant I got to NOT be too stressed out in already overly-stressed Manhattan), and then to New Jersey by train to visit my sisters. And while New York is definitely a pedestrian / public transit kind of place, for some reason, people don't seem to walk much in Jersey, because I feel like all I did the past couple days was sit on my ass and eat.

I'm still perfecting my travel-prep skills, and I actually like reading that silly SkyMall magazine--did you know that you could buy something called the 'Kitty Litter Wizard' that actually cleans the soiled, non-disposable kitty litter 'granules' for you so that you never have to touch kitty litter again?--so maybe I'll someday get used to traveling. And I don't have to travel for work nearly as much as other folks in my organization. But suffice it to say that I'm tired, I'm cranky, and I want to sleep in my own bed, dammit!

Ahh, yes...my flight should be boarding soon.

The Frightening Possibility of the Future

2008-04-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

There is SO much work we need to do in this world--to change it, to change people's attitudes, to bring people together. No, I'm not going to go on an adulatory tangent about Obama, but I do think a huge reason why people are so behind him in this country is because he represents a more hopeful and bright future. The alternative future, which is to me the more possible future ahead of us, is fraught with danger, violence, uncertainty and changes to the so-called 'American lifestyle' that may take us back to a more 'primitive' time of feudalism and tribalism.

I don't have time to get into a lot of the details of my analysis on the future, but suffice it to say that a conversation that I had at dinner last night with a friend of a friend, who asked me why, as an education advocate, I thought that Black male enrollment in college was going down, dismissed my answer about rising incarceration rates and institutionalized racism as 'a conspiracy' theory. It was a response I've come to expect from white men in particular. They ask you your opinion about something that you clearly know something about, and then when you bring race in you are dismissed as naive, ignorant, a 'victim' or conspiracy theorist.

The other thing that has triggered my fatalism today is this sympathetic article on vigilantism in crime-ridden neighborhoods in Oakland scares the shit out of me. It reminds me a lot of the late, great Octavia Butler's Parable series, for which she won the Macarthur Genius award. The future world that she created in those books scared the shit out of me and depressed me for days, because I could see that world--one of mayhem, uncontrollable violence, vigilantism, total privatization and therefore decimation of all social services, human slavery and intense suffering--becoming our reality in this country one day.

I'm working on a fiction story right now that ties in some of these themes--not in as brutal a world as Butler's, but in a world that is definitely more harsh than the one many Americans live in today.

And that's why I am voting for Obama, because I need hope for a better future than the one we're currently creating, and because many of the white people (and people of color who think racism is dead) who otherwise couldn't listen for five minutes to someone like me, will listen to an Obama and his more diluted, palatable and articulate analysis of race and what this country needs to do to 'transcend' it. We need that voice and vision of hope now more than ever.

Found it! The Way I Often Feel: Positive Obsession

2008-04-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

I'll blog soon about all the things that are going on in my life, which have been keeping me from blogging, but in the meantime you'll have to make do with a quote. I've been looking for a few months for one of those quotes that you can put at the bottom of your emails, on the wall in your office, one of those inspirational do-hickeys that epitomizes how you see the world, inspires you to do better. So I've been reading Octavia Butler's Bloodchild and Other Stories this morning, and, while reading Butler's autobiographical essay near the end of the book, stumbled across this gem:

"Positive obsession is about not being able to stop just because you're afraid and full of doubts. Positive obsession is a dangerous thing. It's about not being able to stop at all."

That about sums up--and folks who know me well know this--my personality, my approach to life. Folks are always amazed at the number of different interests (obsessions?) that I have. I guess I don't put them out there very often, so people at work, for example, know mostly about my positive obsession with fundraising, and a little bit about my interest in writing, and in science fiction. While my writer friends know more about my writing, and less about my work. Most people know that I love salsa dancing (and all dancing, really) with a passion, and that I'm an obsessive planner and coordinator, and that my wedding will be all the more fabulous because of it. But a lot of folks are surprised when they find out about my history as a martial artist (although that obsession has died down, replaced by a spiritual warrior sensibility towards life in general--life being the ultimate challenge).

So this quote's going into my email for now, as a reminder that positive obsession can manifest in the life of a woman of color in so many amazing and creative ways, as evidenced by Ms. Butler's own accomplishments. Something for me to remember when I can't sleep at 4 in the morning because I really want to research wedding reception dresses or want to knock out that meeting agenda that I can't get out of my brain. Positive obsession, it's dangerous, but not always a bad thing.

"What If?" The May-Have-Been Legacy of Dr. King

2008-04-04T09:37:00.000-07:00

I think folks (including myself) tend to knock the Oakland Tribune for what they might call second-rate journalism, but I happen to like the paper because it covers local issues and politics from a perspective that combines on-the-ground community insider knowledge with a higher level of objectivity than smaller papers tend to (like the Guardian, ethnic press, etc.).

For example, on this 40th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s death (may he rest in peace), the Tribune published this interesting article outlining different King experts and associates, including Black ministers', points of view on what might have happened in this country if Dr. King had lived.

Although I tend to not try to dwell in the 'What If's' of the past, this article was useful in helping to paint a picture of what our communities and our country could look like if we really listened to each other, worked through (not around) our race issues, and were inspired by our leaders to do so. Dr. King was by no means perfect, but his role as a strong moral compass for Americans of all races in the 1960s played a critical part in pushing forward the Civil Rights Movement. And I won't go so far as to compare Dr. King with our new Black leader, Barack Obama, but I will say that I believe many Americans want someone like a Dr. King to look up to, to emulate, and to inspire them.

Let's just hope that in looking for this leader and aspiring to this grand vision of equality and justice, we also recognize our own strengths, courage and power to manifest this vision for ourselves.

Rant: He Tried, He Really, Really Tried (Part 1)

2008-03-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

I admire Barack Obama's earnest, articulate and well-thought-out discourse on race in the U.S.. He really tried, and I thought did a fairly decent job (as good as anyone could do in his position, and in this moment in U.S. history) to explain and enlighten White and other non-Black Americans about the 'roots' of Black anger, and the cultural and historical context of his pastor, Reverend Wright's, 'incendiary' comments about White people, the American government and imperialism. Although I don't agree with Obama's analysis of race as he presented it in his speech, I appreciate the impossible position he was trying to maneuver out of on this issue. And ultimately, he showed that he was up to the task of talking about race in America while running for President as a Black man, which is no small thing. He executed brilliantly.

Of course, there was going to be backlash. Just some examples, from both white and non-white commentators, here, here, and here.

There was also praise, from many important 'opinion' papers across the country, and from activists supportive of Obama's campaign, and even from New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, a former Democratic Presidential hopeful who's now said he'll endorse Obama. As to be expected, the Republicans are trying to say that only the 'elite' are praising Obama's now-famous 'race speech'. (Funny how rich white Republicans can claim that only Democrats and other left-leaning folks are 'elite', isn't it?). And according to several sources, some Democrats are planning to vote for--holy crap--McCain if Clinton's not the nominee.

An African-American man, talking about race and Black people's anger in a way that wasn't condemning or distancing himself from the man who was the source of these 'angry, hateful' comments? No way was Obama going to get away with that. The majority of people in this country (and I include non-Black people of color in this statement, yet) cannot deal with Black anger. Plain and simple. Even when it's framed in such palatable, striving-for-understanding-and-unity, tolerant terms. It's not to be tolerated. Period.

But it makes me wonder, and not in a vindictive way, but in the spirit of true objectivity, how many White pastors in the country routinely make 'hate-filled', xenophobic, and outright racist comments in their sermons every week? Don't the MinuteMen patrol the U.S. border with Mexico as pseudo-Christian (because surely Jesus Christ would never have patrolled a border with a rifle on his shoulder) militia warriors in an effort to keep out the barbarian, Catholic Latino hordes? I wonder what some White pastors out there say about Arab 'heathen' terrorists. How much media time on Fox was spent on Mike Huckabee's white supremacist connections?. Do we not see any of this stuff as racist because these folks have gotten so good at 'coding' their language--e.g. 'inner city' = Black, 'greedy' = Jew, 'illegals' = Latino undocumented immigrants? Aren't all these attitudes and words racist too?

Of course not! Because if a White person generalizes in a negative (or positive, for that matter) way about a group of people of color, it must mean it's true, and not just a reflection of their own fear or ignorance of people that don't look or sound or think like them.

But if you're Black, and you criticize White people--even though as a pastor you may often use exaggerated, Biblical, fire-and-brimstone language to talk about other things, like adultery and sin and damnation that non-White people may commit and be punished for--you better watch out, because then you're a racist.

To me, the so-called 'dialogue' on race in this country, if you can call it that, largely consists of people of color trying to justify our emotions, our frustrations with the still-prevalent institutional racism that exists on all levels of society, and trying to assuage White people's fears that we're not going to take over, or that we really want to live peacefully with them, or that we want 'fairness' too. But the reason why we do this, why we bend over backwards to make White people feel better about not being racist or about having their own anger about things like affirmative action, Barack Obama, etc., is because we have bought into their beliefs too.

You see, all of this race stuff is based on the idea that this country is, at its core, a meritocracy. That if you work hard enough, sacrifice enough, that if you do what you're supposed to do to get ahead, then you will. And that is true for some people in this country. The American Dream has become reality for many people, especially recent immigrants. But it's not true for for most people. And for them, the people that stay stuck in poverty, or that end up in prison, or that don't manage to 'rise above', we tell them that it's just their own fault. They didn't try hard enough, they didn't do their best. Basically, they suck.

In reality, this country is no pure meritocracy. Success in this country depends on who you know as much as it does on your education/intelligence, skill or courage. It's a proven fact that most people get jobs based on their personal networks, and those in power are more likely to hire people that they know. So much for meritocracy. For example, if you happen to be born into an oil-baron family in Texas but can barely manage to spell or pass military tests, it doesn't matter--because you can STILL become the President of the United States for two full terms! (Sound familiar?)

Part two to follow soon....

New-ish Article of Mine

2008-03-12T16:16:00.000-07:00

It's actually pretty 'old' now, but thought I'd call attention to it anyway--been so busy lately that I kind of forgot about it, but had some meetings with folks recently in which they told me they really liked it.

This article gives you a window into my world as an advocate for grassroots fundraising as a political necessity.

Enjoy!

I'm a Calendar!

2008-03-06T07:36:00.001-08:00

Been contemplating the moon a lot lately, learning a little more about her cycles, and how they coincide with mine. H. has been impressed when I told him recently about how women's periods--at least when they live more attuned to nature than we tend to in urbanized areas--coincide with the moon's cycles, and how the word 'menstruation' comes from the Latin words that translate to 'measure of time'. For example, ideally a woman would get her period during the 'dark' moon, and be most fertile during the full moon (ovulation). So we could literally, and people have for generations in the past, track the movement of days and the moon through our bodies, our menstrual cycles. 'We're calendars!' I said with some pride.

The dark moon in particular has been calling to me--the shadow essence of the moon, when her face is hidden from us because no light shines on her surface from the sun, at least from our perspective here on Earth--partially because that's the phase that we're in right now, and mostly because I've been doing body energy therapy lately and been more in touch with the more nuanced, intuitive sensations in my body, which I think are more aligned with the dark moon's energy. Hence, the new black template for my blog, and the moon-widget on the right.

This may seem a bit new-agey to folks out there, and may surprise you that I have an interest in things like this, but nature has always fascinated me, especially as I get older and try to figure out the reasons behind my actions, and how I can become more balanced when I start to feel stressed out or off-kilter. Often, just taking a walk outside, going for a hike in the hills, or sitting and meditating and sensing the earth (or the floor that's in the building that's on the earth) supporting me and holding me brings me back to my center. The more we are out of touch with nature, I feel the less human we are, and the more prone to things like depression, senseless violence, drug addiction, fits of anger, etc.

So back to the moon. I wrote a couple pieces lately, at night, when I was particularly feeling the moon's waning presence strongly. The waning moon, the phases during which the moon is moving from full to dark, and therefore getting 'smaller' to us here on Earth is, according to many, a time of inner reflection, mystery, completion, breaking old ties or patterns. It's a time when things wind down versus start up--that would be the waxing moon time, when the moon is moving from new / dark to full.

I've definitely experienced these energy shifts--getting tired and inward, even moody during the waning moon. Not inconsequentially, if you're a woman and your menstrual cycle coincides with the moon's patterns (and you should count yourself lucky if they do), your so-called PMS symptoms like crankiness and feeling really tired are probably just a sign that you are not listening to what your body needs during this waning, slowing down time: more rest, less stimulating foods like caffeine, having less interaction with others.

So I've been trying to listen to my body and do what it's telling me to do. Of course, since the rest of this country doesn't run on a lunar calendar--although almost every other great civilization in the world has!--it's been challenging to do so and still honor the timelines and needs of my job and other commitments. I am trying to be more conscientious about structuring my life around the moon's patterns--for example, since I have a lot of extra vacation time this year I'm planning on taking one day off per month right around the time of the new moon. I think it will help a lot with my overall sense of well-being and hopefully help me be a more responsive leader, a better friend and partner, and just overall more grounded person.

Try it out yourself, especially if you're a woman, since your cycle if it's regular and corresponds to the moon's cycles gives you an automatic calendar by which you can measure the moon's waxing and waning. Try using your lights at home less often--especially during the full moon, you don't need lights as much as you think, and having your home dark except for the moonlight coming outside, even for a half-hour, can be really soothing and romantic. It can help you become more synchronized with the moon's energies. See what happens to your body, your feelings, your interactions with people after doing this for a while. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results.

And the new moon officially starts tomorrow, although we've been in a waning period for a while now. Don't forget to slow down!

New Post on Wedding Thoughts

2008-03-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

I have a feeling that, as the wedding planning's taking up a lot of my outside-work mindspace and enegy, my wedding blog and its accompanying blog will be seeing more action in the coming days than this one. So check it out and let me know what you think.

Just over six months left 'til the big day!

Happy Love Day

2008-02-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

Despite the naysayers who choose to hate this holiday because of how Hallmark and chocolate companies and every other corporate entity in this country has co-opted it for their own commercial gain, I love Valentine's Day. I've written about it on this blog before, here and here, but don't think I've ever revealed that this day is also special to me because, not only do I celebrate the love of my friends on this day, but H. and I have chosen to celebrate our anniversary on this date as well. Six years and counting.

So happy love day to all of you out there, and thanks for continuing to check-in on me and my funny little life. Have a beautiful, heart-filled day!

Meme on Privilege: The Old, Tired "Class v. Race" Debate

2008-02-10T23:30:00.000-08:00

One of the blogs that I saw this on posted this with the title 'Has Class Trumped Race?" Or something to that effect. This question and quiz, and the tired comment I got from a fundraising colleague a little while back, has prompted me to respond. (I got this from Claire Light's blog, by the way). I'll do the quiz / privilege exercise in a minute, but just need to get this whole class/race thing off my chest first with a few organized points. Call them my informal race v. class rebuttal points:

1. Yes, Class is just as important as Race
2. Big BUT, however, is that Class is often (obviously not always) based somewhat on Race
3. If you look at the proportion of people of color in this country who are poor, you will find that more people of color are poor as a percentage of their total population in the US than white people.
4. So then, which is 'more' important--class or race? I ask you, especially you middle- to upper-class white people and people of color who either feel guilty about your privelege or can't deal with the fact that you have it to examine the information annd to answer that question for yourselves.
5. My answer? Neither is more important, but class in this country is NOT separate from race a lot of the time. I'm not saying it's totally dependent on race, but I don't think you can have a progressive, let alone radical, discussion about shifting power or the economic/class system in this country if you don't talk about how racism impacts the economic opportunities of communities of color as well as encourages poor white people to work AGAINST their own self-interests.
6. And to my white 'allies' out there who insist that Class is 'the real issue' and not 'Race', I ask you to really look at yourselves, and to check your shit and start actually listening to people of color and what we have to offer in this conversation instead of talking to us and trying to tell us what to do.
7. There, I got it off my chest. Now for the privilege quiz! (The 'bolded' items are the things that apply to me; I guess the more bolded items you have, the more privilege you have. The questions in terms of range and topic are interesting--e.g. the 'heating bill' question I thought was really good. Try it yourself!)

When you were in college:
If your father went to college.
If your father finished college
If your mother went to college
If your mother finished college
If you have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.
If you were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
If you had a computer at home
If you had your own computer at home
If you had more than 50 books at home (counting Encyclopedia Brittanica, right?)
If you had more than 500 books at home
If were read children’s books by a parent
If you ever had lessons of any kind
If you had more than two kinds of lessons
If the people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
If you had a credit card with your name on it
If you have less than $5000 in student loans
If you have no student loans
If you went to a private high school
If you went to summer camp
If you had a private tutor
If you have been to Europe
If your family vacations involved staying at hotels
If all of your clothing has been new and bought at the mall
If your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
If there was original art in your house
If you had a phone in your room
If you lived in a single family house
If your parent own their own house or apartment
If you had your own room
If you participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
If you had your own cell phone in High School
If you had your own TV in your room in High School
If you opened a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
If you have ever flown anywhere on a commercial airline
If you ever went on a cruise with your family
If your parents took you to museums and art galleries
If you were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family.

I have to say, doing this kind of depresses me, because it brings me back to my high school and college days when I had friends (partially because I went to private school with kids that were richer than me, although because of scholarships--which I didn't have in high school--I also went to high school and college with kids that were much poorer than my family was) who actually got to go to Europe on their parents' dime or take really cool unpaid internships while I worked at Macy's all summer or who got to go on family vacation and shit and I didn't get to do much of that stuff at all. I know that I still have a lot more privilege than many people in this country and most people in this world--especially since I'm college-educated--but I also know there are a lot more people out there who have WAY more privilege than I do and who just take it for granted, and are also WAY less aware of their privilege than I am. Kinda depressing, but then again it's all about how you look at it. I have to say that the time in my life when I was 'poorest' economically also happened to be when I was happiest as a child, and the people in my life that are the most 'working class' are probably the most easy people to get along with for me. It's all relative I guess.

Disappointed in Berkeley

2008-02-08T09:30:00.000-08:00

I can't believe Tom Bates is backing down from Berkeley's very cool, very radical anti-military recruitment stance that their City Council recently decided on. Even in Berkeley, let's be real, most of the military recruitment is targeted towards poor people, people of color, who have few other options to pursue to 'get ahead'. I admired Berkeley's stance on military recruitment (I believe they recently kicked out military recruiters from public high school campuses) and I'm disappointed that the Republican-sponsored blackmail of the city--'we'll cut your federal funding if you go through with this'--actually worked to intimidate the city and the mayor. Sounds like even radical Berkeley is no longer even symbolically leading the charge against our imperialist, war-mongering times. Fitting, given that Obama, the so-called 'progressive' Presidential candidate has recently turned pro-Zionist and pro-war by advocating for the invasion of Afghanistan.

Sigh. What's the world coming to? And really, can't groups like Alice Waters' Chez Panisse Foundation (one of the nonprofits in Berkeley that would lose its federal funding under the Republicans' attack) raise its own $250,000 without taxpayer money? As a fundraiser, I know this is possible, and I'm a little appalled at how quickly Berkeley balked at this one. Sad and disappointing indeed.

Happy New Year!

2008-02-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

I decided this year that I would follow (at least partially) the traditions of the Chinese and many other older, non-Western cultures and take two days off for the lunar new year. It seemed a bit strange for me, especially since I'm marrying into a Chinese family (albeit a fairly non-traditional one at that), to have almost three weeks off for Christmas and Gregorian calendar new year, and no days off for the Lunar New Year (which most non-modern cultures celebrated or still celebrate). So here I am, at home at 10am on a Thursday morning, blogging and checking email (personal, not work!) and Facebook.

It's been interesting learning more about Chinese and lunar (no, they aren't they same) new year over the years from friends and from H.'s family. The family dinner thing, the red decorations and flowers/plants, the firecrackers, the different Chinese astrological signs (I'm a pig, myself, which I love being) and how non-Chinese people also celebrate the holiday. For the first time ever, I think, H. and I actually cleaned up a bit last night (Chinese believe you're not supposed to clean at all on this special day, because you'll be washing away all your good luck), and today we'll both be wearing red. We had our own version of a New Year's Even dinner last night at Golden Lotus in downtown Oakland, a completely vegan, faux meat joint that would most likely displease our Asian relatives for a special occasion meal (no meat! That's not a real meal!), but worked out fine for me and H.

I'm going to blog a bit more on the wedding blog about tradition, culture, and how bringing our two families and individual ways of doing things has been a both joyous and difficult process for me and the fiance.

But in the meantime, let me just say, 'Gong Xi Fa Cai!' (pronounced, roughly 'GONG-shee-FAH-chai) which is the traditional Mandarin greeting for 'Happy New Year!' May the Year of the Rat bring us all peace, prosperity, health and happiness.

What's Up

2008-02-03T21:28:00.000-08:00

Been a bit sick lately, sick enough to stay home for about three days total (two half-days from work, one full day from work, and then one weekend day, ugh). Besides my cough, body aches/chills, fatigue and general icky-feelingness, the rainy, cold weather hasn't been much motivation to get up out the house, and neither has my recent plugging into the Facebook craze. I see why people get addicted to this social networking stuff. I have to say, since I've been at home sick a lot it's been a nice way to still feel somewhat connected to the rest of the world and to the various social networks that I flit in and out of. The interactive, sort of video-game-like quality of all the 'apps' in Facebook are also very addictive, but at least I can do things like "Send Good Karma" and "hug" and leave messages for friends instead of just virtually 'slay' them in some simulated parallel universe. Although I have also added the 'Heroes' app which allows you to use your superhero powers (my current power is 'Telekinesis') to 'fight' your friends with other kinds of powers. Cool.

Other than that, I've been making and eating a lot of arroz caldo, a yummy jook-like chicken and rice porridge that I love to make and eat when I'm sick. I make it gingery and with lots of lemon juice, so it really clears up congestion and makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. I've also been making a little bit of headway on wedding reception venue-searching, and am getting some help from two of my friends who are logistics and event-coordinating geeks like myself, so that should be fun. More on that on my wedding blog, which hasn't seen any comment-activity yet, but hopefully will soon since I finally figured out how to enable comments again.

One of the things I haven't been doing much of is writing (fiction or even in my journal). I've done a few blog posts in the last couple weeks, which is good, but I've really let the rest of my writing commitments slip. No guilt-tripping, but just acknowledging it. It'll come back when it needs to. I've realized that I can be really hard on myself when I'm not doing a million and one things that I think I should be doing for one reason or another, and that that alone is a big reason why I stay (or at least feel) stuck in a rut with my writing or other things in my life. The reality is that I'm getting a lot of shit done, between work, my social life, my writing and the wedding planning, and I have a lot to pat myself on the back about!

That's about it. Hope you're all staying dry/warm/safe/healthy/happy during these last few days before the first day of the Chinese New Year of the Rat!.

A Dangerous Job: Grassroots Journalist of Color

2008-01-31T09:16:00.000-08:00

As reported in today's San Francisco Chronicle. Fascinating stuff. I'm glad that community journalists are finally getting some well-deserved respect from larger 'opinion' papers.

My Last Post on the Presidential Primaries, I Promise

2008-01-30T09:21:00.000-08:00

So I feel like I'm being hypocritical and not doing what I'm asking others to do: talk about building local, regional and even statewide power instead of just focusing on the glitzy Presidential elections. So, in the spirit of staying true to my own politics, this will be my last post on the Presidential primaries, and maybe one of my last posts about the Presidential race period. There are many other people who have been following the races more closely than I have and who have very intelligent things to say. My two favorites if you'd like to read them: Jan in San Fran and Racewire from the good folks at the Applied Research Center.

Okay, deep inhale. Here's my lay-it-all-out-there, full-on post on why I'm not as thrilled about the Presidential elections as some of my fellow progressives and radicals are, and what I think is helpful/hopeful/useful about them as well, from a movement-building standpoint.

The reason I am so critical of the Obama-mania--and possibly of Obama himself, although I honestly haven't read up enough about him to know his policy proposals inside-out--is that many progressives, activists, radicals, long-time organizers and movement people I know are saying that we need to take advantage of this opportunity, that we need to follow the masses who are following Obama's lead, that we need to not stay on the sidelines and just be the nutty radicals talking to ourselves in the far-left corner of the room.

All of that I totally agree with, and think is a good thing. Of course, having millions of people who may have previously not been engaged in politics at all--the young people, the 'disaffected' that Obama's been inspiring--is a good thing. But here's the catch: if we radicals and progressives are trying to insert ourselves into the Obama campaign to 'ride the coattails' of his amazing sweep through the primaries, what are we really trying to get out of it? Are we trying to use this as an opportunity to put out a message of civic engagement, of voter mobilization for the long haul, of democracy as a right to claim and not a privilege to hope for? Or are we simply going with the tide, not being critical of the candidate we're supporting (while we remain hyper-critical of his Republican and some Democratic opponents), squashing any real opportunities to talk about the really big issues: ending US imperialism abroad, true health care reform, real democracy, quality education, and, yes, race and gender and how all of these are intertwined.

I could be wrong--maybe those conversations are happening at Obama's (and hopefully Clinton's and Edwards') campaign offices all across the country. Maybe my fellow progressives are taking the newbie activists that are getting mobilized by Obama's campaign out for drinks (or sodas) after phonebanking and breaking down to them how the Presidential race is just ONE election that happens every four years, and how we need to be engaged in all levels of government in order to make real change in our communities. Maybe some of you all Obama-heads out there are really engaging in deep conversations about true democracy with the slightly starry-eyed folks who read 'Audacity of Hope' or watched Oprah (and I'm not disparaging those things, I'm a big believer in the power of the media) and wanted to get on board with Obama. If you are, then more power to you. I support you 100%, and I will be here for you if you want to talk about it, or vent about how frustrating it can be, or want to just share what a great experience it is.

My biggest fear, however, is not that those conversations aren't happening--because I'm sure, to some degree, they are. My fear around an Obama presidency is that he is going to win, and that progressives will be rejoicing, and saying this is the best possible thing that could've happened under the circumstances (a big lowering-the-bar kind disclaimer, and one I've heard from activists). And then when he gets into office, he's going to come under intense scrutiny because he's a Black man--I think Dave Chappelle's sketch 'Black Bush' from Season 2 of the Chappelle's Show is the best vision for what a Black president would endure, even while he does all the f**ked up, racist, and imperialist shit that any President is expected to do. And because of this scrutiny, he will be advised that that he has to be tougher on 'terrorists', on people who are incarcerated, on poor people--who are all still largely people of color in this country--and that he won't be able to talk about race in an honest and sane way, and won't be able to implement the social and economic reforms he's said he would because of the way the system is set up. That he'll buckle (as any other President would) under the massive pressure from corporations and Dems not to change things TOO much, because as a Black man with a 'foreign'-sounding (whatever that means) name, he'll feel he has to be extra-palatable to the mainstream in order to get ANYTHING done, much less make any of the sweeping reforms that the folks at the grassroots are hoping that he'll make.

But even further, my real fear--and one that I can already see happening, because I feel that there are very few progressive people of color out there willing to critique Obama's politics the way we're almost expected to when it comes to Clinton, Edwards, McCain, etc. because then people look at us like we're crazy--is that many people will DEFEND Obama when he's doing all the shit that US Presidents do to uphold US imperialism. Like invade Afghanistan, or 'take out' Ossama bin Laden assassination-style, or invade (militarily or economically) Cuba once Fidel passes. These things, I don't have any doubt, will probably happen no matter who becomes President of the United States. It's all a matter of degrees. But the difference with an Obama, and even with an Edwards, victory, would be this: would progressives and / or people of color actually defend him when he has to make these moves? Will racial solidarity or white guilt or labor union cronyism keep people from being critical of a Black President or a labor President because they don't want to attack someone who's having such a hard time already? We already expect that Clinton will be a classic deal-cutting politician, and she hasn't really promised not to be. But Edwards and Obama have. Will we try to hold a President Obama accountable to the vision of hope that he inspired us with? And will we work to build grassroots power so that we can hold him accountable? Will the people who came out in the millions to vote for Barack, donate money to his campaign, work for him, etc. be around when accountability needs to happen? And which side will they be on?

These are the questions that swirl around in my mind when I think about Barack Obama as our next President. I wonder if Oprah will, after Barack's sent troops from Iraq into Afghanistan, have him on the show to talk about how brave that was for him to do? How the American people admire him for doing that? That a Black man can be just as imperialist as any other President? Is that the kind of racial equality we are fighting for?

I agree with my friend Ludovic and others that Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition presidential bid in the 1980s energized a large mass of people who remained engaged in politics on some level afterwards. Yes, very true, and I'm not going to compare Jackson and Obama's politics because that's not what this is about. The bottom line to me is, that was a different time. Our education systems looked very different then (at least in California, the 5th largest economy in the world and one of the economic and political powerhouses of this country). There was more solidarity between people of color because we were all, to a large extent, still second class citizens. We were only 10-15 years removed from the Black Panthers and Black Power, the Vietnam War, the Iran hostage crisis. People of color had not yet integrated into previously white society to the deep levels that we have now. It was still an era of affirmative action. I think as a nation we were probably more honest about race, class and maybe even gender than we are now. And then, of course, there's 9/11 and how that has profoundly changed American culture, economy, media and politics.

In short, an Obama campaign and a Jackson campaign are, in many ways, apples and oranges. But my friend Ludovic asked for concrete proposals and so I've got a few. Make of them what you will:

1. As far as voting for President, I'm voting in the primaries for Edwards. He's not perfect by any means, and I know he's not going to win, so maybe it's a cop-out vote, but at least I like his economic policies. After the primaries, it's anyone's ball game. I'll definitely be voting for a Democrat, since I don't want to chance a Republican winning, so I guess the choice will be pretty clear after August. I won't be working on any Presidential candidate campaign though, nor will I contribute money, so don't ask.

2. For the people wanting to work on Obama's campaign because of the movement that has stirred up around him, go for it. I just ask you to have those longer-term, movement-building conversations with the people you meet along the way. Take some time to really engage with people about what a real democracy looks like, because a lot needs to happen between Presidential elections to make a democracy real. Let's not forget about that.

3. And don't be dejected if Obama doesn't win the Democratic nomination. He will have run one of the most successful 'underdog' campaigns in the history of this country. If we're about real change and long-term movement-building, let's make sure that either way, victory or defeat for Obama, that we use the opportunity to talk about true democracy, to talk about race and gender and class, to talk about rebuilding our communities from the bottom up. Let's do what we say we want to do. Let's not just talk about it. Let's do the hard work of creating a democracy. Another world is very possible, but it will take all of us working together to make it real.

And now that I've put it all out there, I promise to only or at least mostly talk about statewide or regional/local elections issues from now until at least June. I try to practice what I preach. It's all about trying, at the very least.

Best Blogpost I've Read on Obama Yet

2008-01-29T17:31:00.000-08:00

From Adrienne Marie Brown on RaceWire. I especially appreciate her description of her friends' reactions when she displayed 'hateration' towards the Obama whirlwind-slash-political-phenomenon.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if people (especially progressives) who are working on Obama's campaign don't have a commitment to continue to fight for fair and free elections, to work together to build LOCAL power from the grassroots, and to hold him accountable to his campaign promises if he wins the Presidency, then really, I would be happy not to hear one more word about the so-called 'miracle' of his campaign. I'm not a hater, but I am a bit of a cynic, having been involved in political work for the better part of the last twelve years. Hey, call me crazy, but I just want real change, not media glitz and empty promises.

Wow, This Sh*t is Serioius

2008-01-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

So it sounds like the writers' strike may be coming to an end soon, what with the Oscars coming up and all. Still, it's a bit shocking to hear what I imagine are fairly self-absorbed celebrity movie stars say that they won't cross a picket line to attend the Oscars. Gives me a little more respect for Hollywood's elite. As a writer myself--albeit not one that gets paid the big bucks that the folks who write for TV and film do--I feel a little torn about the strike, mostly because I wonder if a strike like this will, in the end, strengthen the bargaining power of less-famous writers like myself. I'm not a member of the Writers Guild yet, but I'd like to be someday, and although I know they do some cool stuff, I imagine that they may pay more attention to the better-resourced pros in Hollywood and New York than the side-gig freelancers like myself.

In any case, the real question when it comes to the inevitable end of the writers' strike is, of course, ''When will the new season of Battlestar Galactica come out?'

Rest in Peace Heath Ledger

2008-01-22T21:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to follow entertainment industry news too closely, but I do know a great film and a great actor when I see one, and seeing Heath Ledger's in Brokeback Mountain was one of the best film experiences I've ever had. Really. It ranks up there with watching 'The Godfather' or 'Star Wars'. It was that compelling for me as art.

And now Heath Ledger is no longer with us, on this planet. I remember thinking, when Philip Seymour won the Oscar for best actor instead of Heath (they both deserved it, it was sort of like choosing between Don Cheadle and Jamie Foxx the previous year; I wish it could've gone to both of them), that it was all right, because Heath was still very young and he'd have plenty of other opportunities to win an Academy Award.

Well, that's no longer true. This article explores some of the possibly darker sides of this incredible actor's personality. No matter what the cause of his death, in the end, the loss of such a talented artist is felt by us all.

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-14T15:40:00.000-08:00

Here are a few from my extensive list. I see the whole month of January as a time to kick-start my work on these resolutions, or goals as I prefer to call them, since the lunar (Chinese) new year isn't until February (February 7th this year). Would love to see others'.

1. To have a fun and meaningful wedding experience with Henry, our family and friends (and to NOT get too stressed out in planning it!)
2. To devote more time to my creative writing work. For the first time ever I've created a calendar of internal and external deadlines (internal being deadlines I set for myself, external being those set by institutions, publications, etc.) to help give me some structure. Being a fundraiser/grantwriter, I think I've learned how to work well within that kind of structure.
3. To spend more time dancing, smiling, laughing and having fun
4. To continue my healing path (spiritually, emotionally and physically)
5. To prepare my body for being a mother by living a healthier lifestyle (no, I'm not pregnant, but I hope to be soon after the wedding)
6. To become more financially literate/savvy. Been reading some Suze Orman and paying attention to my financial statements for a change.

Wish me luck in achieving them! And I wish you lots of positive energy and courage and strength in meeting your own goals for your life in 2008.

On Second Thought

2008-01-08T22:22:00.000-08:00

What the hell was I thinking?? I started falling for Obama because he won Iowa, not really because of anything else. I really don't even find him all that charismatic. And now, after listening to Obama's near-war mongering foreign policy stance to Pakistan during the New Hampshire debates on Saturday night, I think I won't be voting for him after all. I will be voting Democrat during the primary though, and it will most likely be for John Edwards. He was my first choice from the beginning anyway. Governor Richardson from New Mexico talks a good game but his connections to defense contractors make me think he's like a wolf in sheep's clothing, like George W. Bush wearing tie-dye or something.

I realize now that what I thought all along about Obama would most likely come true: that he would be no better than a newfangled Clintonite, whose idea of 'change' is to use charisma and wide-appealing rhetoric, but to have a policy platform a socially moderate, fiscally and politically conservative Republican. Ick.

I guess on some level many people think that because Obama's Black, he will be 'different', politically or otherwise. That he will be honest. That his charisma and abililty to inspire people will mean he will listen to the people who elected him and do potentially unpopular things (unpopular to the 'status quo' powerbrokers, the old Clintonites, the big corporate powers, etc.). But I think most of all, Obama is an ambitious man. A great quality, a winning quality, in a politician, especially one who's running for President against the partner (I refuse to call Hillary Bill's wife, it kind of belittles her role in his administration) of a man who's been hailed as one of the greatest American Presidents of all time. Obama's got a tough fight ahead of him, and he's got the right combination of image, ideals, fundraising and organizing skills, and rhetoric to win that fight.

But what's at the core of his desire to win? Is it truly the desire to want to make change? Does making change mean invading or bombing a sovereign nation that 'harbors terrorists', or even assassinating its head of state (things that he's alluded to in his debate speeches). Who would be next after Pakistan--Iran? Or maybe Cuba? How can he be so against the war in Iraq but so willing to go to war against Pakistan? Will he always feel that his too-African-sounding name means that he has to prove how tough on terrorists and rogue people of color he can be to win the American people's support?

I just can't do it. I can't vote for another Presidential candidate who so blatantly says he stands for one thing but then in his policy proposals does just the opposite.

Earl Ofari Hutchinson contrasts Obama and Edwards a bit in this article. The Nation offers another good piece on race and the Obama candidacy. Ever-reliable Jan in San Fran breaks down the real politics and zeitgeist that's fueling the Obama-mania brilliantly.

Don't believe the hype, folks. Vote John Edwards.

The Times They Are A-Changin'...

2008-01-04T10:36:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, although I'm not as starry-eyed over Barack Obama as many other progressives and liberals are right now, I do think that having him as President would most likely be a huge improvement over a Clinton. And today's news that Barack took the Democratic caucuses in Iowa by storm, with another progressive, John Edwards (who probably would've gotten my vote if I was an Iowan), in second place and Hilary trailing behind in third, is great news to election-weary folks like me.

Overall, I don't put a whole lot of store into Presidential elections, although it's hard not to get so excited with so much media hype piled onto them. I think local and state elections have just as much if not more impact on people's everyday lives a the Presidential elections, and wish more people who voted in droves during the big election days would come out to the polls more regularly during more 'boring' elections. And really, that's one of the key strategies that the Right employed to builld power, and why they've been able to cement their power in so many parts of the country. They've gotten their base to vote early and often, in all kinds of elections, not just the Presidentials. But this election's a little different--there's a lot at stake, with the war in Iraq, social security on the verge of bottoming out, our country's healthcare crisis, and public education being 'left behind' thanks to Bush's awful 'reform' policies. And I do believe that under the Democratics, we progressives can get a helluva lot more done than we can under the Republicans, under whom we're usually just fighting fires and trying to keep our people from getting sucked even deeper into a hellish hole of poverty, violence and mind-numbing, pseudo-patriotic, right-wing propaganda.

So I've gone ahead and done it--I was previously registered Green Party but I've just switched over to being a registered Democrat for the first time in at least eight years, just so I could vote for Barack Obama in California's early February 5 primary. I'm not voting for him because he's Black, or because so many others think he's the Second Coming. I like John Edwards' politics better and think he has a better track record at fighting on issues I care about, like corporate accountability. But I don't think he's running a very good campaign right now while Barack's captured people's imaginations with his inspiring speeches and is therefore turning out volunteers like crazy and raising money like a frickin' tornado in a bank vault.

But I'm also voting Democratic and for Barack because he represents the drastic, bottom-up change this country needs. Obama and Edwards are representatives of what I hope is a real sea-change in national-level politics--a change that sees the Democrats finally trying to cater to their own base of young people, liberals and progressives, instead of trying to win over moderate-conservative Dems and Republicans with a watered down anti-choice, pro-corporate, pro-war agenda. Who knows if Barack will win, or even if he does win, if he'll do everything he's promised to do? History and conventional wisdom tell us that he won't--I don't know if truly honest politicians exist; it seems like an oxymoron. But if he can help galvanize the supposedly apathetic folks out there who need to be at the polls and engaged in their communities, then I'm all for him.

Go Barack! I'll be there on Feb. 5 to give you my vote.

Another Birthday, Another Year

2007-12-30T09:20:00.000-08:00

Today's my birthday, folks. Thanks for your well-wishes and positive thoughts.

Having my birthday so close to both Christmas and New Year's, and during the winter season, has always meant that I'm both reflective during my anniversary of life, and that I also have lots of things to distract me from the fact that I'm aging. Funny, though, maybe it's the fact that my Mom never 'blended' my birthday with other holidays and was always sure to get me separate presents, have separate parties, etc. that I never confuse the three holidays. Instead, although it's sometimes irritating to get 'combo' birthday / Christmas presents from friends who don't realize how annoying that can be (just give me one present for one holiday, dammit!), I see this time of celebration and cold weather as a time to reflect on the year that's just past, and the year to come.

Yes, I make new year's resolutions (or 'goals', as I like to call them, since that feels a little less daunting), but overall I like to just think about where I've been this past year, and where I want to go. And there's been a lot for me to reflect on this past year.

First, there was my trip to visit my father and then right after that, my first-ever trip to the Philippines, where I met a lot of other family for the first time. Before my PI trip, I had a a great send-off with friends, which made me feel strong and protected for what ended up being a very emotional and physically taxing (tropics in the summer) journey. I also had tons of support from friends who donated more than $2500 to me for my trips. It was hard to fundraise for myself in some ways, even after I've raised literally millions of dollars for organizations and other people. But it was a big part of me claiming for myself my right and my need to take these journeys, and I got huge validation from my community through this fundraising drive. I also started the year right with a belated birthday party for myself.

Those two trips were the double-whammy of my spring, hitting me with a load of intense emotions, from joy to sorrow to anger and everything in between. I learned a lot about my family during those trips, and therefore about myself, about my roots and where my weird quirks and values come from.

As I said in an earlier post, I did a lot of other traveling this year, much more than I ever have before, logging a bunch of miles on my Southwest Rapid Rewards account in the process. I traveled a bunch for work. I moved into a new position at work this past year, one that was both stressful and challenging in a positive way. My time management and control issues were definitely put to the test, and I realized that I can't do everything, and shit, that's really okay. It was also the first time in many years that I worked a full year at full-time at one job, only doing a few contract gigs here and there. That was interesting. I don't think it's necessarily the right career option for me for the rest of my life (I like having more flexibility and independence), but it's been good to get grounded in one place again after working on a bunch of different projects for the past few years. And CFJ is also a great place to work.

I did a two-week stint at VONA this year, one week with my long-time creative hero Jessica Hagedorn, and a second week with my new creative hero Chris Abani. I learned more in those two weeks than I had all year about my writing, and what I need to do to move it forward. Thanks Jessica and Chris, for reals.

Lastly, but definitely not least, H. and I got engaged (there was no proposal involved, just FYI, we just discussed it and decided it was the right time, in our typical non-conventional fashion). We've been planning our wedding for the past couple months. You can read more about that on my wedding blog.

It's been a bit of a whirlwind year, but a lot of good things that I've been wanting to do for a long time happened. And the best part of it is that I had a major if not the main role in making them happen. It was a good year for self-empowerment. Damn, it was just a good year! Thanks to all of you for supporting and encouraging me throughout the year, and for reading my blog.

I look forward to a happy, fulfilling, (hopefully) peaceful, and prosperous new year with all of you. I really believe that the best is yet to come.

List: Why I Hardly Write About Politics on this Blog

2007-12-29T15:57:00.000-08:00

1. A lot, and I mean A LOT, of other people write about politics from a much more well-informed and articulate voice than mine. For starters, see some of the links right here in the margins of my blog. Not that I read much political stuff either, except for sometimes Harper's because it's just really well-written and takes interesting perspectives on stuff. I have to admit that a lot of other political writing puts me to sleep. Maybe I'm afraid of putting people to sleep too!

2. I am self-centered. At least I'm honest about it. I've read plenty of other blogs by so-called 'conscious' or political people who really just talk about their friends and their opinions anyway, so why not just put it all out there and be transparent? This blog is about me and my life, and as much as politics touches my life--which of course politics do quite frequently, in very real ways--I may post something about politics here. I try not to be too self-centered in my everyday life, so I figure I can use this space to be a bit of an ego-hog if I like. Besides, I feel like a lot of leftists are so obsessed with politics and not enough with examining the problems and issues in their own lives that they end up being some really frakked up people, if you know what I mean.

3. I don't feel like I have a lot to contribute to the 'political debate' that may not completely offend others, and I'm not trying to offend people in this blog. I really am not trying to invite some crazy right-wing and/or racist lurkers to read my blog and start trying to post some ill comments. Of course, I could just moderate them out of existence but I'm way too honest to do that, and then it might just get out of hand.

4. It seems like this blog ends up mostly being used by my friends and acquaintances to keep up on my life and hear more about what I'm thinking about life. And that's just fine by me. In our frenzied and over-scheduled urban American society, I have so little time to keep up with friends and folks that my blog ends up doing that for me. To me, that's a good use of technology!

And one more thing--tomorrow's my birthday! So wish self-centered me a nice happy one.

List: What I'm Going to Do for the Next 2 Weeks

2007-12-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

1. Get Christmas out of the way first. Not that I don't like Christmas, I actually enjoy it quite a bit. But I'm not very religious about it and I don't get too caught up in the gift-buying craze, especially now that H. and I are saving for the wedding. I like to get small, thoughtful gifts that please people and make them feel as if someone listened to them. I like to give people what they want. I like to just give gifts to people, really. I'm a giver. No wonder I'm a fundraiser then, eh? I'm a professional counselor to givers!

2. Stay at home and clean my house. It's been a long, sometimes tough, and very busy year for me. At last count I'd made 12 out of town trips this past year, including going to meet my father for the first time, going to the Philippines, to the Rockwood Leadership program for four days, to Portland for a conference I trained at, and to LA three times for work. I also got to go to Louisville, Kentucky for work which was interesting and fun (really!). So my house is a mess. I haven't organized squat in my house in months. And what better time than the cold winter to hole up with the heater on and get to cleanin'?

3. Write. I have a lot of material knocking around in my head, waiting to be poured out onto the page. I've realized that I need to just do my writing when I have the time, and not beat myself up so badly about not being able to make the time when I'm super-busy and stressed-out about work, the wedding, my father-in-law being ill, and the holidays. It's pretty crazy, and telling, that even during this wacky month of holidays I find myself guilt-tripping myself--'What, you can't do all of this AND write 100 pages too?? What's wrong with you?"

4. Read. I set a goal of reading/finishing four books (two of which I've already started) this break. I'm off until Monday, January 7, 2008 so i think I can do it. I've been reading a lot more lately than I have in a long time. It feels good.

5. Wedding planning. We're going to book our photographer this week (had a great meeting with Hasain Rasheed and his partner, Joanna Kaplan, about working with them; it's pretty much a go--I mean, look at those amazing photos! And they were really cool, nice people to boot. Had a good feeling about them as soon as we walked in the door).

That's it! That's enough. I decided it was too crazy to try and pack more stuff into my winter break. I know for some people this already might seem like a long list, but, hey I'm a Type-A Capricorn. I like to keep busy!

You are cordially invited...

2007-12-06T09:11:00.001-08:00

...to check out my new blog on weddings, marriage, and the insanity of the 'bridal industry'.

And no, we are not going to have the word 'cordially' on our wedding invitations. ;)

The Constant Planner

2007-12-04T09:24:00.000-08:00

What can I say? I love planning things. Almost as much--no, sometimes as much if not more--as implementing those plans. Case in point: as we near the end of the calendar and our fiscal year for my organization, I find myself getting excited about drafting a new annual fundraising plan and quarterly workplans in Excel worksheets. Sick, huh? Actually, I know that without people like me the world would be a very unorganized, slightly confused, and not as great place. I really do feel that in my heart.

Second case in point: I was the chair of the event committee for a big fundraiser for a nonprofit on whose board I sit, which was held back in October. It was a good fundraiser, went off well, although I think the planning process itself wasn't that fun for me. I was just way to busy with other things to be very present during the process, and sent lots of late night emails to the various people I was working on it with, and begrudgingly went to meetings. I also knew that planning this fundraiser was keeping me from moving forward as quickly as I wanted to on my wedding planning and I felt a little resentful of that. But when it was over, it felt good, and I told myself--time to move on!

So I started planning the wedding in earnest. You can read more about that on my my other blog. It's been a little stressful, but it's been fun. I especially love going to venues to check them out for the ceremony and reception, and I can't wait 'til we start trying different caterers' food. But it's been a time suck, to be sure, and I find myself reflexively searching for wedding favor ideas or wedding dresses online when I probably should be writing or cleaning the house or something. I get a bit obsessive; it's a personality trait I'm working on.

So it's funny that within all this big-event planning what I'm getting excited about this week is planning yet another event; H.'s birthday is in a week and a half and I'm going to throw him a small get-together with friends (not completely a surprise but he doesn't know the details of the event). I love making the invite list and then sending that initial email out to everyone to get the ball rolling. I also love looking for stuff to do that night online (if anyone knows of any good stuff happening in the City on Sat., Dec. 15 lemme know). So really, I think it's not just planning, but event planning that gets me going.

It feels good to plan things, feels good to get things done and know that I thought it through so that I could get things done easily and with less hassle. I don't know if this puts a damper on my sense of spontaneity--who am I kidding, of course it does!--but I know that it helps me relax when I finally get to the big day, knowing that every detail has been thought of, every emergency has a point person to handle it (even if it's me), and that everything is going to be okay.

On Children

2007-11-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

Been thinking a lot lately about children--my future children, the children currently in my life, and the plight of children in general in this country and in this world. I guess it's because the winter holiday season has swung into high gear, and because I'm in wedding-planning mode (went to try on dresses today--what an ordeal, but that's another story) that I have children on my mind. My favorite song about children is 'On Children' by Sweet Honey in the Rock. I was talking about children and that song today with my friend A.--how a lot of people I know who don't even like children all that much are having children and falling in love with them, or at least, fallling in love with their own children, but how many people don't see looking out for the welfare of all children as a priority in their lives. How many folks just want little replicas of themselves running around, and don't understand the unique spiritual role that children play not only in our lives, but in the future of the planet. And that our roles as parents and supportive adults in their lives is not to mold them into our own images, or to treat them like highly prized pets, but to be the stable, rock-steady foundation for them (or 'bows' as Gibran calls us below) so that they can move forward into their own future. A. agreed, then told me something I didn't know, that that song is based on a poem by Khalil Gibran. So I looked it up, and here it is.

On Children
by Khalil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Cylons 'R' Us

2007-11-24T12:31:00.000-08:00

I love Battlestar Galactica, the new version, of course (I don't really remember the old one, although H. does, and likes that one too). And we just finished (finally!) watching all of Season 3, with its tear-your-hair-out cliffhanging ending, which included the revelation of the identities of four of the 'Final Five' (or F5 if you're really a geek) Cylons, a different breed of Cylon from the first seven (or 'Significant Seven', as Ron Moore and the other BSG crew call them). There are tons of theories swirling around the blogosphere right now about who the fifth and final Cylon is, and I have my own opinions, which I will be sharing tonite at a Battlestar Galactica Razor screening at Ludovic's place. Fascinating stuff. I don't know if it's just that I love the show so much, or that I'm trying to study and absorb as many ideas about narrative and plot structure from great shows and books and movies as I can as I write my own 'galactic bible' for my novel, but this shit is just so interesting to me. Check out this great write-up on the functions of the F5, as well as this one, written by someone who I hope is at least getting paid good money for his 'study' of BSG backstory and Colonial / Cylon philosophy.

Geeks of the world unite! Frackin'-A!

Oh my Gosh! A Reading!

2007-11-19T19:34:00.000-08:00

I haven't done a public reading of my work in ages. I don't count VONA readings because they're only semi-public and are part of such a supportive atmosphere that the butterflies in my stomach beforehand are more about wanting to impress my peers than fearing that I'll be booed off the stage.

So I'm excited and a little bit nervous about this reading I'm doing next Monday, November 26 at Cover to Cover bookstore in Noe Valley in the City. I'll be reading an (as-yet-unfinished) essay on 'togetherness' as a positive trait in immigrant families. I have an idea of what I'm going to write about and therefore read about. Should be interesting. The reading is being organized by my old work buddy Jeremy Adam Smith, quite an accomplished freelance writer and blogger in his own right, who's the managing editor at Greater Good magazine, in which a brief version of my essay was recently published.

So if you'll be in the neighborhood or don't have anything else happening for you on the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend, come through and help me calm my butterflies. I promise I'll do my very best to impress you.

BSG Razor!

2007-11-17T18:03:00.000-08:00

I haven't had time to post my own reactions to the Battlestar Galactica Razor extended episode. I'll cheat and post someone else's interesting take on the feature. If you don't want to read any spoilers, don't bother. Suffice it to say that it's a damn good piece of television, and that I was lucky enough to be one of the thousands of people across the country that got to watch a free big-screen version of it last week. Aren't you jealous?

Crazy (re: SF Bay Oil Spill)

2007-11-11T18:49:00.000-08:00

The images of oil-soaked waterfowl and an oil-streaked San Francisco Bay are just heartbreaking, and infuriating. Please donate supplies or money or volunteer as you can to help with the cleanup effort. Officials are warning people not to go to beaches on your own to do cleanup, as the fuel that was spilled is extremely hazardous. You must be trained first to help with birds and other cleanup efforts. The Baykeeper site has updated info.

And, oh yeah, stop driving your car so much! Get on the bus or BART or walk already, for God's sake. This is all just too much.

Food, Love and Moms

2007-11-09T15:56:00.000-08:00

Great post here from Renita Weems. Thinking about it as I eat the warming, delicious arroz caldo, which I 'requested' (a word I heard a lot in the Philippines to describe when someone asked for a certain kind of food to be brought back to the States from the islands) my mom make for me this week. I've been sick with a bad cold and cough and it was just what I needed.

I've learned how to make arroz caldo myself, but there's something special about having your mom make you a dish like this. It's made with love and care, for sure, but for me it's also special because my mom and I haven't always had a good relationship. It's been rocky, to say the least, and fraught with many difficult tensions and ongoing dramas that I'd rather not get into right now.

But food has always been something we had in common, something we could use to comfort ourselves and each other, something we both loved. If there's anyone I got my foodie-gene from, it was definitely my mom. She and I like to go to new restaurants (for her) together. H. and I took her to Roy's in San Francisco for her 60th birthday. She tells me she now prefers baby salad greens and balsamic vinaigrette over iceberg lettuce and Wishbone salad dressing. She brags to people about how I introduced her to Vietnamese, faux-meat and gourmet Indian food.

And most importantly, food is the biggest way that my mom confidently, easily can show me that she loves me. And it's the easiest way for me to accept her love, no strings attached and no drama involved.

Insomnia's Good for Getting Stuff Done

2007-11-08T03:25:00.000-08:00

Like emailing everyone that's coming to my house this weekend for a one-day writing retreat, including Mel and a bunch of other VONA alumni. It'll be fun to see everyone and to have a space where I can finally focus on my writing for a while.

I've been feeling very frustrated by my inability to write while holding down a full-time job, planning my wedding for next year, trying to have a social life and taking care of my home and relationship. I know, I know, what's wrong with me! I've toyed with the idea of attending an MFA program to help give me this structure, and right now I'm seriously thinking that it might be the way to go for me. I've done my fair share of writing without having that structure to rely on, and it's worked for me to an extent, but I feel like it's going to be really difficult for me to prioritize my writing, deepen my writing practice and really hone my craft unless I devote some serious time and energy to it.

Hence, my late-night Googling to research low-residency programs. I've already received information in the past about Goddard (the alma mater of Junse Kim, one of my writing teachers) as well as Warren Wilson and a few other low res programs that I've heard of from other writers. I'm also checking out the local schools, like Mills, etc., but I'm feeling like I need to get out of my safe little comfort zone of the Bay Area and learn how to interact with other human life forms.

Things at work have been a bit challenging as of late as well, leading me to be dissatisfied with the part of my life that sucks up a good 40-50 hours a week. It's so hard to stay motivated sometimes, I have to remind myself why I'm doing this work and getting paid so little. I'm trying to hold out and stay on track with my own professional development goals, but it's hard sometimes, I'll tell ya.

Okay, back to MFA research. Hope I get to sleep more than a few hours tonite. But if I don't, at least I will have gotten some stuff done.

Hurry hurry, slow down, hurry hurry!

2007-10-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

That has to be the slogan/mantra/life philosophy of this country: speed up to slow down to speed up. The one thing I learned to appreciate in the Philippines was the pace of life, how despite the enormous burdens and incredibly taxing physical work and living conditions that most people there live with, they don't do anything at a very fast pace and thus experience some happiness and still seem to have a good time despite it all. Like my auntie, who has twelve children and five grand-children, worked hard all her life and has the leathered skin and tough hands to prove it, but still manages to be one of the sweetest, most serene people I know.

Things have been crazy for me and H. lately: car troubles; a not-serious (at least for us) accident we were 'involved' in the other night (I say 'involved' because I don't think we were at fault and we didn't even hit anything); I just got done helping to coordinate this event for a group I'm on the board of; work has given me a crapload of deadlines (including an unanticipated one this week that I'm miraculously going to be able to meet). Now that most of the craziness is dying down, I find myself moving into the 'slow down' mode of our national 'culture', if you can call it that. Really, I think it's a national sickness.

I want to learn how to be serene and calm and grounded despite all the madness that life throws at me. I'm tired of hurrying up to slow down, despite my addiction to activity and work and deadlines. I need to sit still. Of course, my meditation cushions have been steadily gathering dust in my closet for many months now, and there's a people of color sit I've been wanting to get to in Oakland, just a few blocks from my job! So there's something strong pulling me to resist the urge to sit, just sit, and be still. I need to move through that resistance and just do it. Wish me luck.

Hobbies I've Had, Never Had

2007-10-10T07:38:00.000-07:00

In my lifetime thusfar, I've had plenty of hobbies, some that may seem odd or ill-fitting my personality. Here are a few hobbies or interests I've had, many of which I no longer pursue:

-Calligraphy
-Kali (Filipino martial art)
-Meditation (always struggling to sit)
-Fiction writing
-Poetry-writing
-Stamp-collecting
-Sticker-collecting (when I was a young girl)
-Bead-stringing and jewelry-making (when I worked at a bead store, I still have a crapload of beads)
-Salsa dancing (one of my favorite ways to release and relax)
-Hiking (I still try to go at least once a month)
-Jazz, ballet, tap, modern dance
-Gardening (in containers)
-Playing piano and guitar
-Yoga (still do it almost every day)

Then there are the hobbies and interests that I've kept waiting in the wings, so to speak, the things that I've always wanted to 'get into' but haven't gotten around to making part of my life. Not a coincidence, I don't think, that these are some of the more adventurous, outdoorsy, require-more-time-and-money-investment hobbies:

-Hang gliding
-Sea kayaking
-Sailing
-Backpacking
-Quilting
-Knitting
-Playing electric bass

Someday, someday, I will get to one or all of these other as-yet-untouched hobbies. Just blogging to remind myself that they're just there, waiting for me, like promises.

Yes, We're Gettin' Hitched

2007-10-03T02:04:00.000-07:00

Well, the truth is we're already more 'hitched' than many married couples...H. and I have been together for more than five years, have lived together for more than three of those years, and although we haven't gone to couples counseling or been officially married at City Hall, a chapel in Las Vegas or a nearby beach we've gone through a lot more ups, downs and life-changing moments than many couples who've made it to the altar already.

Maybe that's why when we first announced our plans to get married next year to family and friends, I wasn't super-thrilled about the news, didn't blush with that bride-to-be enthusiasm that so many people seemed to expect me to have. It's not that I'm not thrilled to be commemorating my love for H. with a ceremony and a party with all our friends and family. It's only partially because I feel ambivalent about marriage as an institution, fraught as it is with so many generations' worth of cultural baggage and strange societal expectations that have nothing to do with love and everything to do with perpetuating an insane economic and social system that I don't believe in. I think the real reason that I wasn't overenthused about our 'news' is that, in many ways, I feel married to H. already.

He is my best friend, closest confidante, and favorite person to be around, hands down. He has taught me so much about life and love and friendship and I know I've done the same for him. It sounds cliche, but it's true, he's helped me become a better person, and I know that I'm not the only person who's noticed this. I've never felt more spiritually and emotionally close to someone, although don't get me wrong, we have our 'off' moments to be sure. We fight, we threaten to leave (well, I do, I guess), we have our doubts about whether this relationship is going to work. But after all that, we always come back to each other, realizing how our fears and insecurities have gotten in the way of us recognizing what's really important: that we want to build a life and a family together that will carry both of us as well as our children-to-be, our respective families (soon-to-be one family) and our community of friends forward into a better and happier future.

We've been on that road for some time already, and I see our 'engagement' (it feels funny to say that word, especially since he didn't officially propose, we just decided as a couple to do this) and our upcoming wedding as just a ceremonial way to mark that H. and I have chosen this path together.

Lastly, I've finally gotten juiced about planning the big day--as some of you know I've organized my fair share of fundraising and other big events in recent years--so I'm feeling like the momentum is really starting to build. Wish us luck finding a ceremony and reception site, and let me know if you have any ideas about nice places.

Moon-full

2007-09-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

The moon is outrageously, ridiculously, deliciously bright tonite. She is shining so bright that I don't need artificial light in my house, am sitting here in the 'dark' with my laptop the only unnatural illumination inside, even the streetlamps outside pale in comparison to the pregnant moon hanging like a black-backed sun in the sky.

I just wrote a piece that I may or may not share on this blog at some point, a short freewrite about what I really want in my life. The moon (and a nice strong rum and coke from Cafe Van Kleef's, courtesy of M.) is my inspiration tonite. She is filling me with crazy ideas. Did you know the word 'lunatic' comes from the Latin word for 'moon' (luna). Of course you did. That's why you are probably outside right now as I write this, howling at the moon like a coyote, and making your sad, repressed neighbors tsk-tsk to themselves, hanging out their windows, silently wishing that they could be howling at that brilliant white disk in the sky, just like you.

Perfect Saturday

2007-09-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

Feel like this is my idea of a perfect Saturday, sitting here blogging after a relatively full afternoon of organizing and cleaning the various piles of clutter in my home (mainly my home office and books, am going to tackle the junk on my dresser in the bedroom next). I'm not feeling my best--that time of the month, y'know? Sorry to those of you for whom that's TMI (too much information)--and putzing around the house clearing old junk and recycling random papers I'm not sure why I keep is somehow therapeutic for me, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Sometimes, at times like this, though, I feel like my life--and the lives of many of you reading this blog, as well as the lives of many of those living around us--must be a fraud, a sham, a strange and utter illusion. Because beyond the transparent borders of our relatively neat, precious and well-organized lives, full of busyness and activity, work and play and family and social activities, lies a world of war. No, I'm no exaggerating, there is a world at war around us, and it is too easy, most of the time, to ignore this world.

But I'm not going to sit here and quote statistics to you about how many US soldiers have been killed in Iraq or my friends and family members who have loved ones there. I'm not going to talk how ridiculously racist and inhumane it is to only talk about the lives of these soldiers as if they are the only ones that mattered, or pontificate about how unjust this war is. All I want to do is acknowledge it, and bring some attention to my own lack of awareness of war. And not just the war in Iraq, but the wars being waged in our own neighborhoods, communities, cities, states, our own country. While I count myself blessed to not be an active perpetrator or recipient of the violence that rages around me--and know that I have helped construct my life in a way that I don't deal with many of these wars, and that can be a very good thing--I still want to acknowledge the suffering and rage and bitterness that exists because of it.

So there, I've done it. And hopefully gotten you to do it too.

Feeling Better, Books on the Side

2007-09-17T23:42:00.000-07:00

Wasn't feeling well today--icky, blue, fatigued, out of it. I slept a bit, chilled at home, did a little work, took it easy. Now I can't sleep so I've been catching up on my online social networking (yes, I've been bitten by the bug). A cool thing that they just started on Goodreads is a widget you can post on your blog or web site or myspace page showing what books you've read or are reading or want to read. You can check mine out by scrolling down--see the little box in the righthand column? Go ahead, click it. You know you want to.

Wishing I'd Been Drunk in Paris

2007-09-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

Had a drink with my good friend A. tonite at Cafe Van Kleef in downtown Oakland, probably my favorite after-work bar. Near the front door there is a small, chalkboard sign that 'advertises' a short menu of Provencale dishes: salade nicoise, poulet, a couple other items. I say 'advertise' because the only food you can get at Van Kleef's is spicy popcorn and maybe a hot dog if you're lucky.

But still, the place does remind me of Paris: the slightly grungy, quirky, charming collection of random art--sculptures, paintings, found objects, glass embedded in the counter outside, a random brass trumpet, a ladder near the back wall that doesn't seem to go anywhere or serve any purpose besides as a trellis for other random artworks; the slightly bohemian, smoky, dark ambiance; the French tricolore flag (or is it Belgian? isn't Van Kleef a Belgian or German name?) hanging limply, like an old rag, in the entryway. The foreign music they frequently play, from Buena Vista Social Club to 'C'est Si Bon'.

The drinks are strong and moderately priced here: $8 for a good, stiff but sweet Sidecar, which is what A. and I had. I always get tipsy just from one drink. And you can smoke outside, which is nice. Another touch of l'experience parisienne.

Funny, I realized today as I sat talking to A. and getting tipsy off my Sidecar, that H. and I didn't get drunk at all in Paris. We had a couple glasses of wine with our meals, yes, but we didn't go, as our friend V. adamantly suggested, to a bar au vin for an eminently French experience. Oh, well. There's always next time.

I've been craving being in Paris lately, and tonite, for an hour or so, I got to feel like I was there, even if it was a Canadian cigarette and not a Gauloise that I puffed on, and even if people were speaking English et pas francais. It's all good. For a little bit, I got a taste of Paris, right here in Oakland.

Soup in the Air

2007-09-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

What the hell is the Bay Area turning into? LA? Did you see that smog-soup that's passed for air yesterday? And it's back today! My theory is that people were so excited about the Bay Bridge being open again that they headed to cross it in droves. I mean, come on, the sun is frickin' ORANGE!!

Rest in Power: Manong Bill Sorro

2007-08-31T16:18:00.000-07:00

I don't have Bill's birth and death years to post, but I'm sure in the days and weeks to follow, many facts and feelings about Bill will pour forth from the pens of his many admirers, comrades, friends and spiritual / political "children". I feel blessed to have known him, even a little, working with him politically a bit through Filipino civil rights work, and more socially through friends who were lucky enough to have more day-to-day interactions with Bill through their work at Mission Housing, SOMCAN, and other key San Francisco organizations..

I've always enjoyed running into Bill at community events, rallies, readings, meetings. He always had a smile and a hug ready. I felt a real love radiating out from him towards the people around him, a quality that's very rare in these cynical days, even within progressive circles. Bill always encouraged members of the younger generation of activists like myself, who often came to those events with a lot of energy and were sometimes greeted less-than-enthusiastically by other movement veterans who, I felt, didn't quite know what to do with us. Bill was a tireless advocate for the poor, the oppressed, for Filipinos and especially for the manongs (elders) who were displaced from the International Hotel in San Francisco. Bill was one of a handful of thoroughly committed activists (many of whom started the Manilatown Heritage Foundation) who saw the fight to save the I-Hotel through from beginning to end--a thirty-plus-year community battle that was eventually won. I'm sure that Bill was and is proud of the fact that an exhibit commemorating his contributions to that fight is now housed at the new I-Hotel on Kearny and Jackson Streets in San Francisco's Chinatown/North Beach district.

Actually, the first time I saw Bill was on film, before I ever met him, and before I knew who he was, when I watched--and was transformed by--the Fall of the I-Hotel, a documentary about this struggle for dignity and housing. Bill was just a young buck back then, living in the Hotel and fighting alongside the elderly tenants for the right to live in what was left of a once-thriving Manilatown in San Francisco. If you haven't seen this movie, you have to. It's not only an amazing documentary but it's a beautiful testimony to the spirit of that struggle and of people like Bill who helped make it one of the most visible and significant movements for housing rights in this country.

Inherently tied to Bill's dedication to radical activism and empowering the oppressed was his sweet, generous, loving and funny spirit. Aside from seeing the warmth and fire he brought to political events, I especially loved to see him with his equally warm, generous and amazing wife, Giuliana (aka "Huli") Milanese. While Bill and Huli seemed to snip and snap at each other the way lots of long-time married folks do, there was always a sweet layer of flirtation woven throughout these mock 'arguments', a sweetness that I hoped I'd be able to find with another person someday the way Bill and Huli had found with each other.

I won't say much more about Bill because others will be much more eloquent than me in their eulogizing of him. Eric Mar, the folks at POOR Magazine and Portside have started doing so on their blogs. Suffice it to say that the movement has lost one of our great champions, who had a heart that was wide-open and full of love, and an unmatched passion for justice that burned in his veins. Those two things don't always go hand in hand, but in Bill, they were one and the same.

Rest in peace and power, Manong Bill. We miss you and love you and will never, ever forget you.