Rant: He Tried, He Really, Really Tried (Part 1)

I admire Barack Obama's earnest, articulate and well-thought-out discourse on race in the U.S.. He really tried, and I thought did a fairly decent job (as good as anyone could do in his position, and in this moment in U.S. history) to explain and enlighten White and other non-Black Americans about the 'roots' of Black anger, and the cultural and historical context of his pastor, Reverend Wright's, 'incendiary' comments about White people, the American government and imperialism. Although I don't agree with Obama's analysis of race as he presented it in his speech, I appreciate the impossible position he was trying to maneuver out of on this issue. And ultimately, he showed that he was up to the task of talking about race in America while running for President as a Black man, which is no small thing. He executed brilliantly.

Of course, there was going to be backlash. Just some examples, from both white and non-white commentators, here, here, and here.

There was also praise, from many important 'opinion' papers across the country, and from activists supportive of Obama's campaign, and even from New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, a former Democratic Presidential hopeful who's now said he'll endorse Obama. As to be expected, the Republicans are trying to say that only the 'elite' are praising Obama's now-famous 'race speech'. (Funny how rich white Republicans can claim that only Democrats and other left-leaning folks are 'elite', isn't it?). And according to several sources, some Democrats are planning to vote for--holy crap--McCain if Clinton's not the nominee.

An African-American man, talking about race and Black people's anger in a way that wasn't condemning or distancing himself from the man who was the source of these 'angry, hateful' comments? No way was Obama going to get away with that. The majority of people in this country (and I include non-Black people of color in this statement, yet) cannot deal with Black anger. Plain and simple. Even when it's framed in such palatable, striving-for-understanding-and-unity, tolerant terms. It's not to be tolerated. Period.

But it makes me wonder, and not in a vindictive way, but in the spirit of true objectivity, how many White pastors in the country routinely make 'hate-filled', xenophobic, and outright racist comments in their sermons every week? Don't the MinuteMen patrol the U.S. border with Mexico as pseudo-Christian (because surely Jesus Christ would never have patrolled a border with a rifle on his shoulder) militia warriors in an effort to keep out the barbarian, Catholic Latino hordes? I wonder what some White pastors out there say about Arab 'heathen' terrorists. How much media time on Fox was spent on Mike Huckabee's white supremacist connections?. Do we not see any of this stuff as racist because these folks have gotten so good at 'coding' their language--e.g. 'inner city' = Black, 'greedy' = Jew, 'illegals' = Latino undocumented immigrants? Aren't all these attitudes and words racist too?

Of course not! Because if a White person generalizes in a negative (or positive, for that matter) way about a group of people of color, it must mean it's true, and not just a reflection of their own fear or ignorance of people that don't look or sound or think like them.

But if you're Black, and you criticize White people--even though as a pastor you may often use exaggerated, Biblical, fire-and-brimstone language to talk about other things, like adultery and sin and damnation that non-White people may commit and be punished for--you better watch out, because then you're a racist.

To me, the so-called 'dialogue' on race in this country, if you can call it that, largely consists of people of color trying to justify our emotions, our frustrations with the still-prevalent institutional racism that exists on all levels of society, and trying to assuage White people's fears that we're not going to take over, or that we really want to live peacefully with them, or that we want 'fairness' too. But the reason why we do this, why we bend over backwards to make White people feel better about not being racist or about having their own anger about things like affirmative action, Barack Obama, etc., is because we have bought into their beliefs too.

You see, all of this race stuff is based on the idea that this country is, at its core, a meritocracy. That if you work hard enough, sacrifice enough, that if you do what you're supposed to do to get ahead, then you will. And that is true for some people in this country. The American Dream has become reality for many people, especially recent immigrants. But it's not true for for most people. And for them, the people that stay stuck in poverty, or that end up in prison, or that don't manage to 'rise above', we tell them that it's just their own fault. They didn't try hard enough, they didn't do their best. Basically, they suck.

In reality, this country is no pure meritocracy. Success in this country depends on who you know as much as it does on your education/intelligence, skill or courage. It's a proven fact that most people get jobs based on their personal networks, and those in power are more likely to hire people that they know. So much for meritocracy. For example, if you happen to be born into an oil-baron family in Texas but can barely manage to spell or pass military tests, it doesn't matter--because you can STILL become the President of the United States for two full terms! (Sound familiar?)

Part two to follow soon....

New-ish Article of Mine

It's actually pretty 'old' now, but thought I'd call attention to it anyway--been so busy lately that I kind of forgot about it, but had some meetings with folks recently in which they told me they really liked it.

This article gives you a window into my world as an advocate for grassroots fundraising as a political necessity.

Enjoy!

I'm a Calendar!

Been contemplating the moon a lot lately, learning a little more about her cycles, and how they coincide with mine. H. has been impressed when I told him recently about how women's periods--at least when they live more attuned to nature than we tend to in urbanized areas--coincide with the moon's cycles, and how the word 'menstruation' comes from the Latin words that translate to 'measure of time'. For example, ideally a woman would get her period during the 'dark' moon, and be most fertile during the full moon (ovulation). So we could literally, and people have for generations in the past, track the movement of days and the moon through our bodies, our menstrual cycles. 'We're calendars!' I said with some pride.

The dark moon in particular has been calling to me--the shadow essence of the moon, when her face is hidden from us because no light shines on her surface from the sun, at least from our perspective here on Earth--partially because that's the phase that we're in right now, and mostly because I've been doing body energy therapy lately and been more in touch with the more nuanced, intuitive sensations in my body, which I think are more aligned with the dark moon's energy. Hence, the new black template for my blog, and the moon-widget on the right.

This may seem a bit new-agey to folks out there, and may surprise you that I have an interest in things like this, but nature has always fascinated me, especially as I get older and try to figure out the reasons behind my actions, and how I can become more balanced when I start to feel stressed out or off-kilter. Often, just taking a walk outside, going for a hike in the hills, or sitting and meditating and sensing the earth (or the floor that's in the building that's on the earth) supporting me and holding me brings me back to my center. The more we are out of touch with nature, I feel the less human we are, and the more prone to things like depression, senseless violence, drug addiction, fits of anger, etc.

So back to the moon. I wrote a couple pieces lately, at night, when I was particularly feeling the moon's waning presence strongly. The waning moon, the phases during which the moon is moving from full to dark, and therefore getting 'smaller' to us here on Earth is, according to many, a time of inner reflection, mystery, completion, breaking old ties or patterns. It's a time when things wind down versus start up--that would be the waxing moon time, when the moon is moving from new / dark to full.

I've definitely experienced these energy shifts--getting tired and inward, even moody during the waning moon. Not inconsequentially, if you're a woman and your menstrual cycle coincides with the moon's patterns (and you should count yourself lucky if they do), your so-called PMS symptoms like crankiness and feeling really tired are probably just a sign that you are not listening to what your body needs during this waning, slowing down time: more rest, less stimulating foods like caffeine, having less interaction with others.

So I've been trying to listen to my body and do what it's telling me to do. Of course, since the rest of this country doesn't run on a lunar calendar--although almost every other great civilization in the world has!--it's been challenging to do so and still honor the timelines and needs of my job and other commitments. I am trying to be more conscientious about structuring my life around the moon's patterns--for example, since I have a lot of extra vacation time this year I'm planning on taking one day off per month right around the time of the new moon. I think it will help a lot with my overall sense of well-being and hopefully help me be a more responsive leader, a better friend and partner, and just overall more grounded person.

Try it out yourself, especially if you're a woman, since your cycle if it's regular and corresponds to the moon's cycles gives you an automatic calendar by which you can measure the moon's waxing and waning. Try using your lights at home less often--especially during the full moon, you don't need lights as much as you think, and having your home dark except for the moonlight coming outside, even for a half-hour, can be really soothing and romantic. It can help you become more synchronized with the moon's energies. See what happens to your body, your feelings, your interactions with people after doing this for a while. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results.

And the new moon officially starts tomorrow, although we've been in a waning period for a while now. Don't forget to slow down!

New Post on Wedding Thoughts

I have a feeling that, as the wedding planning's taking up a lot of my outside-work mindspace and enegy, my wedding blog and its accompanying blog will be seeing more action in the coming days than this one. So check it out and let me know what you think.

Just over six months left 'til the big day!

Happy Love Day

Despite the naysayers who choose to hate this holiday because of how Hallmark and chocolate companies and every other corporate entity in this country has co-opted it for their own commercial gain, I love Valentine's Day. I've written about it on this blog before, here and here, but don't think I've ever revealed that this day is also special to me because, not only do I celebrate the love of my friends on this day, but H. and I have chosen to celebrate our anniversary on this date as well. Six years and counting.

So happy love day to all of you out there, and thanks for continuing to check-in on me and my funny little life. Have a beautiful, heart-filled day!

Meme on Privilege: The Old, Tired "Class v. Race" Debate

One of the blogs that I saw this on posted this with the title 'Has Class Trumped Race?" Or something to that effect. This question and quiz, and the tired comment I got from a fundraising colleague a little while back, has prompted me to respond. (I got this from Claire Light's blog, by the way). I'll do the quiz / privilege exercise in a minute, but just need to get this whole class/race thing off my chest first with a few organized points. Call them my informal race v. class rebuttal points:

1. Yes, Class is just as important as Race
2. Big BUT, however, is that Class is often (obviously not always) based somewhat on Race
3. If you look at the proportion of people of color in this country who are poor, you will find that more people of color are poor as a percentage of their total population in the US than white people.
4. So then, which is 'more' important--class or race? I ask you, especially you middle- to upper-class white people and people of color who either feel guilty about your privelege or can't deal with the fact that you have it to examine the information annd to answer that question for yourselves.
5. My answer? Neither is more important, but class in this country is NOT separate from race a lot of the time. I'm not saying it's totally dependent on race, but I don't think you can have a progressive, let alone radical, discussion about shifting power or the economic/class system in this country if you don't talk about how racism impacts the economic opportunities of communities of color as well as encourages poor white people to work AGAINST their own self-interests.
6. And to my white 'allies' out there who insist that Class is 'the real issue' and not 'Race', I ask you to really look at yourselves, and to check your shit and start actually listening to people of color and what we have to offer in this conversation instead of talking to us and trying to tell us what to do.
7. There, I got it off my chest. Now for the privilege quiz! (The 'bolded' items are the things that apply to me; I guess the more bolded items you have, the more privilege you have. The questions in terms of range and topic are interesting--e.g. the 'heating bill' question I thought was really good. Try it yourself!)

When you were in college:
If your father went to college.
If your father finished college
If your mother went to college
If your mother finished college
If you have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.
If you were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
If you had a computer at home
If you had your own computer at home
If you had more than 50 books at home (counting Encyclopedia Brittanica, right?)
If you had more than 500 books at home
If were read children’s books by a parent
If you ever had lessons of any kind
If you had more than two kinds of lessons
If the people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
If you had a credit card with your name on it
If you have less than $5000 in student loans
If you have no student loans
If you went to a private high school
If you went to summer camp
If you had a private tutor
If you have been to Europe
If your family vacations involved staying at hotels
If all of your clothing has been new and bought at the mall
If your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
If there was original art in your house
If you had a phone in your room
If you lived in a single family house
If your parent own their own house or apartment
If you had your own room
If you participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
If you had your own cell phone in High School
If you had your own TV in your room in High School
If you opened a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
If you have ever flown anywhere on a commercial airline
If you ever went on a cruise with your family
If your parents took you to museums and art galleries
If you were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family.

I have to say, doing this kind of depresses me, because it brings me back to my high school and college days when I had friends (partially because I went to private school with kids that were richer than me, although because of scholarships--which I didn't have in high school--I also went to high school and college with kids that were much poorer than my family was) who actually got to go to Europe on their parents' dime or take really cool unpaid internships while I worked at Macy's all summer or who got to go on family vacation and shit and I didn't get to do much of that stuff at all. I know that I still have a lot more privilege than many people in this country and most people in this world--especially since I'm college-educated--but I also know there are a lot more people out there who have WAY more privilege than I do and who just take it for granted, and are also WAY less aware of their privilege than I am. Kinda depressing, but then again it's all about how you look at it. I have to say that the time in my life when I was 'poorest' economically also happened to be when I was happiest as a child, and the people in my life that are the most 'working class' are probably the most easy people to get along with for me. It's all relative I guess.

Disappointed in Berkeley

I can't believe Tom Bates is backing down from Berkeley's very cool, very radical anti-military recruitment stance that their City Council recently decided on. Even in Berkeley, let's be real, most of the military recruitment is targeted towards poor people, people of color, who have few other options to pursue to 'get ahead'. I admired Berkeley's stance on military recruitment (I believe they recently kicked out military recruiters from public high school campuses) and I'm disappointed that the Republican-sponsored blackmail of the city--'we'll cut your federal funding if you go through with this'--actually worked to intimidate the city and the mayor. Sounds like even radical Berkeley is no longer even symbolically leading the charge against our imperialist, war-mongering times. Fitting, given that Obama, the so-called 'progressive' Presidential candidate has recently turned pro-Zionist and pro-war by advocating for the invasion of Afghanistan.

Sigh. What's the world coming to? And really, can't groups like Alice Waters' Chez Panisse Foundation (one of the nonprofits in Berkeley that would lose its federal funding under the Republicans' attack) raise its own $250,000 without taxpayer money? As a fundraiser, I know this is possible, and I'm a little appalled at how quickly Berkeley balked at this one. Sad and disappointing indeed.

Happy New Year!

I decided this year that I would follow (at least partially) the traditions of the Chinese and many other older, non-Western cultures and take two days off for the lunar new year. It seemed a bit strange for me, especially since I'm marrying into a Chinese family (albeit a fairly non-traditional one at that), to have almost three weeks off for Christmas and Gregorian calendar new year, and no days off for the Lunar New Year (which most non-modern cultures celebrated or still celebrate). So here I am, at home at 10am on a Thursday morning, blogging and checking email (personal, not work!) and Facebook.

It's been interesting learning more about Chinese and lunar (no, they aren't they same) new year over the years from friends and from H.'s family. The family dinner thing, the red decorations and flowers/plants, the firecrackers, the different Chinese astrological signs (I'm a pig, myself, which I love being) and how non-Chinese people also celebrate the holiday. For the first time ever, I think, H. and I actually cleaned up a bit last night (Chinese believe you're not supposed to clean at all on this special day, because you'll be washing away all your good luck), and today we'll both be wearing red. We had our own version of a New Year's Even dinner last night at Golden Lotus in downtown Oakland, a completely vegan, faux meat joint that would most likely displease our Asian relatives for a special occasion meal (no meat! That's not a real meal!), but worked out fine for me and H.

I'm going to blog a bit more on the wedding blog about tradition, culture, and how bringing our two families and individual ways of doing things has been a both joyous and difficult process for me and the fiance.

But in the meantime, let me just say, 'Gong Xi Fa Cai!' (pronounced, roughly 'GONG-shee-FAH-chai) which is the traditional Mandarin greeting for 'Happy New Year!' May the Year of the Rat bring us all peace, prosperity, health and happiness.

What's Up

Been a bit sick lately, sick enough to stay home for about three days total (two half-days from work, one full day from work, and then one weekend day, ugh). Besides my cough, body aches/chills, fatigue and general icky-feelingness, the rainy, cold weather hasn't been much motivation to get up out the house, and neither has my recent plugging into the Facebook craze. I see why people get addicted to this social networking stuff. I have to say, since I've been at home sick a lot it's been a nice way to still feel somewhat connected to the rest of the world and to the various social networks that I flit in and out of. The interactive, sort of video-game-like quality of all the 'apps' in Facebook are also very addictive, but at least I can do things like "Send Good Karma" and "hug" and leave messages for friends instead of just virtually 'slay' them in some simulated parallel universe. Although I have also added the 'Heroes' app which allows you to use your superhero powers (my current power is 'Telekinesis') to 'fight' your friends with other kinds of powers. Cool.

Other than that, I've been making and eating a lot of arroz caldo, a yummy jook-like chicken and rice porridge that I love to make and eat when I'm sick. I make it gingery and with lots of lemon juice, so it really clears up congestion and makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. I've also been making a little bit of headway on wedding reception venue-searching, and am getting some help from two of my friends who are logistics and event-coordinating geeks like myself, so that should be fun. More on that on my wedding blog, which hasn't seen any comment-activity yet, but hopefully will soon since I finally figured out how to enable comments again.

One of the things I haven't been doing much of is writing (fiction or even in my journal). I've done a few blog posts in the last couple weeks, which is good, but I've really let the rest of my writing commitments slip. No guilt-tripping, but just acknowledging it. It'll come back when it needs to. I've realized that I can be really hard on myself when I'm not doing a million and one things that I think I should be doing for one reason or another, and that that alone is a big reason why I stay (or at least feel) stuck in a rut with my writing or other things in my life. The reality is that I'm getting a lot of shit done, between work, my social life, my writing and the wedding planning, and I have a lot to pat myself on the back about!

That's about it. Hope you're all staying dry/warm/safe/healthy/happy during these last few days before the first day of the Chinese New Year of the Rat!.

A Dangerous Job: Grassroots Journalist of Color

As reported in today's San Francisco Chronicle. Fascinating stuff. I'm glad that community journalists are finally getting some well-deserved respect from larger 'opinion' papers.

My Last Post on the Presidential Primaries, I Promise

So I feel like I'm being hypocritical and not doing what I'm asking others to do: talk about building local, regional and even statewide power instead of just focusing on the glitzy Presidential elections. So, in the spirit of staying true to my own politics, this will be my last post on the Presidential primaries, and maybe one of my last posts about the Presidential race period. There are many other people who have been following the races more closely than I have and who have very intelligent things to say. My two favorites if you'd like to read them: Jan in San Fran and Racewire from the good folks at the Applied Research Center.

Okay, deep inhale. Here's my lay-it-all-out-there, full-on post on why I'm not as thrilled about the Presidential elections as some of my fellow progressives and radicals are, and what I think is helpful/hopeful/useful about them as well, from a movement-building standpoint.

The reason I am so critical of the Obama-mania--and possibly of Obama himself, although I honestly haven't read up enough about him to know his policy proposals inside-out--is that many progressives, activists, radicals, long-time organizers and movement people I know are saying that we need to take advantage of this opportunity, that we need to follow the masses who are following Obama's lead, that we need to not stay on the sidelines and just be the nutty radicals talking to ourselves in the far-left corner of the room.

All of that I totally agree with, and think is a good thing. Of course, having millions of people who may have previously not been engaged in politics at all--the young people, the 'disaffected' that Obama's been inspiring--is a good thing. But here's the catch: if we radicals and progressives are trying to insert ourselves into the Obama campaign to 'ride the coattails' of his amazing sweep through the primaries, what are we really trying to get out of it? Are we trying to use this as an opportunity to put out a message of civic engagement, of voter mobilization for the long haul, of democracy as a right to claim and not a privilege to hope for? Or are we simply going with the tide, not being critical of the candidate we're supporting (while we remain hyper-critical of his Republican and some Democratic opponents), squashing any real opportunities to talk about the really big issues: ending US imperialism abroad, true health care reform, real democracy, quality education, and, yes, race and gender and how all of these are intertwined.

I could be wrong--maybe those conversations are happening at Obama's (and hopefully Clinton's and Edwards') campaign offices all across the country. Maybe my fellow progressives are taking the newbie activists that are getting mobilized by Obama's campaign out for drinks (or sodas) after phonebanking and breaking down to them how the Presidential race is just ONE election that happens every four years, and how we need to be engaged in all levels of government in order to make real change in our communities. Maybe some of you all Obama-heads out there are really engaging in deep conversations about true democracy with the slightly starry-eyed folks who read 'Audacity of Hope' or watched Oprah (and I'm not disparaging those things, I'm a big believer in the power of the media) and wanted to get on board with Obama. If you are, then more power to you. I support you 100%, and I will be here for you if you want to talk about it, or vent about how frustrating it can be, or want to just share what a great experience it is.

My biggest fear, however, is not that those conversations aren't happening--because I'm sure, to some degree, they are. My fear around an Obama presidency is that he is going to win, and that progressives will be rejoicing, and saying this is the best possible thing that could've happened under the circumstances (a big lowering-the-bar kind disclaimer, and one I've heard from activists). And then when he gets into office, he's going to come under intense scrutiny because he's a Black man--I think Dave Chappelle's sketch 'Black Bush' from Season 2 of the Chappelle's Show is the best vision for what a Black president would endure, even while he does all the f**ked up, racist, and imperialist shit that any President is expected to do. And because of this scrutiny, he will be advised that that he has to be tougher on 'terrorists', on people who are incarcerated, on poor people--who are all still largely people of color in this country--and that he won't be able to talk about race in an honest and sane way, and won't be able to implement the social and economic reforms he's said he would because of the way the system is set up. That he'll buckle (as any other President would) under the massive pressure from corporations and Dems not to change things TOO much, because as a Black man with a 'foreign'-sounding (whatever that means) name, he'll feel he has to be extra-palatable to the mainstream in order to get ANYTHING done, much less make any of the sweeping reforms that the folks at the grassroots are hoping that he'll make.

But even further, my real fear--and one that I can already see happening, because I feel that there are very few progressive people of color out there willing to critique Obama's politics the way we're almost expected to when it comes to Clinton, Edwards, McCain, etc. because then people look at us like we're crazy--is that many people will DEFEND Obama when he's doing all the shit that US Presidents do to uphold US imperialism. Like invade Afghanistan, or 'take out' Ossama bin Laden assassination-style, or invade (militarily or economically) Cuba once Fidel passes. These things, I don't have any doubt, will probably happen no matter who becomes President of the United States. It's all a matter of degrees. But the difference with an Obama, and even with an Edwards, victory, would be this: would progressives and / or people of color actually defend him when he has to make these moves? Will racial solidarity or white guilt or labor union cronyism keep people from being critical of a Black President or a labor President because they don't want to attack someone who's having such a hard time already? We already expect that Clinton will be a classic deal-cutting politician, and she hasn't really promised not to be. But Edwards and Obama have. Will we try to hold a President Obama accountable to the vision of hope that he inspired us with? And will we work to build grassroots power so that we can hold him accountable? Will the people who came out in the millions to vote for Barack, donate money to his campaign, work for him, etc. be around when accountability needs to happen? And which side will they be on?

These are the questions that swirl around in my mind when I think about Barack Obama as our next President. I wonder if Oprah will, after Barack's sent troops from Iraq into Afghanistan, have him on the show to talk about how brave that was for him to do? How the American people admire him for doing that? That a Black man can be just as imperialist as any other President? Is that the kind of racial equality we are fighting for?

I agree with my friend Ludovic and others that Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition presidential bid in the 1980s energized a large mass of people who remained engaged in politics on some level afterwards. Yes, very true, and I'm not going to compare Jackson and Obama's politics because that's not what this is about. The bottom line to me is, that was a different time. Our education systems looked very different then (at least in California, the 5th largest economy in the world and one of the economic and political powerhouses of this country). There was more solidarity between people of color because we were all, to a large extent, still second class citizens. We were only 10-15 years removed from the Black Panthers and Black Power, the Vietnam War, the Iran hostage crisis. People of color had not yet integrated into previously white society to the deep levels that we have now. It was still an era of affirmative action. I think as a nation we were probably more honest about race, class and maybe even gender than we are now. And then, of course, there's 9/11 and how that has profoundly changed American culture, economy, media and politics.

In short, an Obama campaign and a Jackson campaign are, in many ways, apples and oranges. But my friend Ludovic asked for concrete proposals and so I've got a few. Make of them what you will:

1. As far as voting for President, I'm voting in the primaries for Edwards. He's not perfect by any means, and I know he's not going to win, so maybe it's a cop-out vote, but at least I like his economic policies. After the primaries, it's anyone's ball game. I'll definitely be voting for a Democrat, since I don't want to chance a Republican winning, so I guess the choice will be pretty clear after August. I won't be working on any Presidential candidate campaign though, nor will I contribute money, so don't ask.

2. For the people wanting to work on Obama's campaign because of the movement that has stirred up around him, go for it. I just ask you to have those longer-term, movement-building conversations with the people you meet along the way. Take some time to really engage with people about what a real democracy looks like, because a lot needs to happen between Presidential elections to make a democracy real. Let's not forget about that.

3. And don't be dejected if Obama doesn't win the Democratic nomination. He will have run one of the most successful 'underdog' campaigns in the history of this country. If we're about real change and long-term movement-building, let's make sure that either way, victory or defeat for Obama, that we use the opportunity to talk about true democracy, to talk about race and gender and class, to talk about rebuilding our communities from the bottom up. Let's do what we say we want to do. Let's not just talk about it. Let's do the hard work of creating a democracy. Another world is very possible, but it will take all of us working together to make it real.

And now that I've put it all out there, I promise to only or at least mostly talk about statewide or regional/local elections issues from now until at least June. I try to practice what I preach. It's all about trying, at the very least.

Best Blogpost I've Read on Obama Yet

From Adrienne Marie Brown on RaceWire. I especially appreciate her description of her friends' reactions when she displayed 'hateration' towards the Obama whirlwind-slash-political-phenomenon.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if people (especially progressives) who are working on Obama's campaign don't have a commitment to continue to fight for fair and free elections, to work together to build LOCAL power from the grassroots, and to hold him accountable to his campaign promises if he wins the Presidency, then really, I would be happy not to hear one more word about the so-called 'miracle' of his campaign. I'm not a hater, but I am a bit of a cynic, having been involved in political work for the better part of the last twelve years. Hey, call me crazy, but I just want real change, not media glitz and empty promises.

Wow, This Sh*t is Serioius

So it sounds like the writers' strike may be coming to an end soon, what with the Oscars coming up and all. Still, it's a bit shocking to hear what I imagine are fairly self-absorbed celebrity movie stars say that they won't cross a picket line to attend the Oscars. Gives me a little more respect for Hollywood's elite. As a writer myself--albeit not one that gets paid the big bucks that the folks who write for TV and film do--I feel a little torn about the strike, mostly because I wonder if a strike like this will, in the end, strengthen the bargaining power of less-famous writers like myself. I'm not a member of the Writers Guild yet, but I'd like to be someday, and although I know they do some cool stuff, I imagine that they may pay more attention to the better-resourced pros in Hollywood and New York than the side-gig freelancers like myself.

In any case, the real question when it comes to the inevitable end of the writers' strike is, of course, ''When will the new season of Battlestar Galactica come out?'

Rest in Peace Heath Ledger

I'm not one to follow entertainment industry news too closely, but I do know a great film and a great actor when I see one, and seeing Heath Ledger's in Brokeback Mountain was one of the best film experiences I've ever had. Really. It ranks up there with watching 'The Godfather' or 'Star Wars'. It was that compelling for me as art.

And now Heath Ledger is no longer with us, on this planet. I remember thinking, when Philip Seymour won the Oscar for best actor instead of Heath (they both deserved it, it was sort of like choosing between Don Cheadle and Jamie Foxx the previous year; I wish it could've gone to both of them), that it was all right, because Heath was still very young and he'd have plenty of other opportunities to win an Academy Award.

Well, that's no longer true. This article explores some of the possibly darker sides of this incredible actor's personality. No matter what the cause of his death, in the end, the loss of such a talented artist is felt by us all.

New Year's Resolutions

Here are a few from my extensive list. I see the whole month of January as a time to kick-start my work on these resolutions, or goals as I prefer to call them, since the lunar (Chinese) new year isn't until February (February 7th this year). Would love to see others'.

1. To have a fun and meaningful wedding experience with Henry, our family and friends (and to NOT get too stressed out in planning it!)
2. To devote more time to my creative writing work. For the first time ever I've created a calendar of internal and external deadlines (internal being deadlines I set for myself, external being those set by institutions, publications, etc.) to help give me some structure. Being a fundraiser/grantwriter, I think I've learned how to work well within that kind of structure.
3. To spend more time dancing, smiling, laughing and having fun
4. To continue my healing path (spiritually, emotionally and physically)
5. To prepare my body for being a mother by living a healthier lifestyle (no, I'm not pregnant, but I hope to be soon after the wedding)
6. To become more financially literate/savvy. Been reading some Suze Orman and paying attention to my financial statements for a change.

Wish me luck in achieving them! And I wish you lots of positive energy and courage and strength in meeting your own goals for your life in 2008.

On Second Thought

What the hell was I thinking?? I started falling for Obama because he won Iowa, not really because of anything else. I really don't even find him all that charismatic. And now, after listening to Obama's near-war mongering foreign policy stance to Pakistan during the New Hampshire debates on Saturday night, I think I won't be voting for him after all. I will be voting Democrat during the primary though, and it will most likely be for John Edwards. He was my first choice from the beginning anyway. Governor Richardson from New Mexico talks a good game but his connections to defense contractors make me think he's like a wolf in sheep's clothing, like George W. Bush wearing tie-dye or something.

I realize now that what I thought all along about Obama would most likely come true: that he would be no better than a newfangled Clintonite, whose idea of 'change' is to use charisma and wide-appealing rhetoric, but to have a policy platform a socially moderate, fiscally and politically conservative Republican. Ick.

I guess on some level many people think that because Obama's Black, he will be 'different', politically or otherwise. That he will be honest. That his charisma and abililty to inspire people will mean he will listen to the people who elected him and do potentially unpopular things (unpopular to the 'status quo' powerbrokers, the old Clintonites, the big corporate powers, etc.). But I think most of all, Obama is an ambitious man. A great quality, a winning quality, in a politician, especially one who's running for President against the partner (I refuse to call Hillary Bill's wife, it kind of belittles her role in his administration) of a man who's been hailed as one of the greatest American Presidents of all time. Obama's got a tough fight ahead of him, and he's got the right combination of image, ideals, fundraising and organizing skills, and rhetoric to win that fight.

But what's at the core of his desire to win? Is it truly the desire to want to make change? Does making change mean invading or bombing a sovereign nation that 'harbors terrorists', or even assassinating its head of state (things that he's alluded to in his debate speeches). Who would be next after Pakistan--Iran? Or maybe Cuba? How can he be so against the war in Iraq but so willing to go to war against Pakistan? Will he always feel that his too-African-sounding name means that he has to prove how tough on terrorists and rogue people of color he can be to win the American people's support?

I just can't do it. I can't vote for another Presidential candidate who so blatantly says he stands for one thing but then in his policy proposals does just the opposite.

Earl Ofari Hutchinson contrasts Obama and Edwards a bit in this article. The Nation offers another good piece on race and the Obama candidacy. Ever-reliable Jan in San Fran breaks down the real politics and zeitgeist that's fueling the Obama-mania brilliantly.

Don't believe the hype, folks. Vote John Edwards.

The Times They Are A-Changin'...

I have to admit, although I'm not as starry-eyed over Barack Obama as many other progressives and liberals are right now, I do think that having him as President would most likely be a huge improvement over a Clinton. And today's news that Barack took the Democratic caucuses in Iowa by storm, with another progressive, John Edwards (who probably would've gotten my vote if I was an Iowan), in second place and Hilary trailing behind in third, is great news to election-weary folks like me.

Overall, I don't put a whole lot of store into Presidential elections, although it's hard not to get so excited with so much media hype piled onto them. I think local and state elections have just as much if not more impact on people's everyday lives a the Presidential elections, and wish more people who voted in droves during the big election days would come out to the polls more regularly during more 'boring' elections. And really, that's one of the key strategies that the Right employed to builld power, and why they've been able to cement their power in so many parts of the country. They've gotten their base to vote early and often, in all kinds of elections, not just the Presidentials. But this election's a little different--there's a lot at stake, with the war in Iraq, social security on the verge of bottoming out, our country's healthcare crisis, and public education being 'left behind' thanks to Bush's awful 'reform' policies. And I do believe that under the Democratics, we progressives can get a helluva lot more done than we can under the Republicans, under whom we're usually just fighting fires and trying to keep our people from getting sucked even deeper into a hellish hole of poverty, violence and mind-numbing, pseudo-patriotic, right-wing propaganda.

So I've gone ahead and done it--I was previously registered Green Party but I've just switched over to being a registered Democrat for the first time in at least eight years, just so I could vote for Barack Obama in California's early February 5 primary. I'm not voting for him because he's Black, or because so many others think he's the Second Coming. I like John Edwards' politics better and think he has a better track record at fighting on issues I care about, like corporate accountability. But I don't think he's running a very good campaign right now while Barack's captured people's imaginations with his inspiring speeches and is therefore turning out volunteers like crazy and raising money like a frickin' tornado in a bank vault.

But I'm also voting Democratic and for Barack because he represents the drastic, bottom-up change this country needs. Obama and Edwards are representatives of what I hope is a real sea-change in national-level politics--a change that sees the Democrats finally trying to cater to their own base of young people, liberals and progressives, instead of trying to win over moderate-conservative Dems and Republicans with a watered down anti-choice, pro-corporate, pro-war agenda. Who knows if Barack will win, or even if he does win, if he'll do everything he's promised to do? History and conventional wisdom tell us that he won't--I don't know if truly honest politicians exist; it seems like an oxymoron. But if he can help galvanize the supposedly apathetic folks out there who need to be at the polls and engaged in their communities, then I'm all for him.

Go Barack! I'll be there on Feb. 5 to give you my vote.

Another Birthday, Another Year

Today's my birthday, folks. Thanks for your well-wishes and positive thoughts.

Having my birthday so close to both Christmas and New Year's, and during the winter season, has always meant that I'm both reflective during my anniversary of life, and that I also have lots of things to distract me from the fact that I'm aging. Funny, though, maybe it's the fact that my Mom never 'blended' my birthday with other holidays and was always sure to get me separate presents, have separate parties, etc. that I never confuse the three holidays. Instead, although it's sometimes irritating to get 'combo' birthday / Christmas presents from friends who don't realize how annoying that can be (just give me one present for one holiday, dammit!), I see this time of celebration and cold weather as a time to reflect on the year that's just past, and the year to come.

Yes, I make new year's resolutions (or 'goals', as I like to call them, since that feels a little less daunting), but overall I like to just think about where I've been this past year, and where I want to go. And there's been a lot for me to reflect on this past year.

First, there was my trip to visit my father and then right after that, my first-ever trip to the Philippines, where I met a lot of other family for the first time. Before my PI trip, I had a a great send-off with friends, which made me feel strong and protected for what ended up being a very emotional and physically taxing (tropics in the summer) journey. I also had tons of support from friends who donated more than $2500 to me for my trips. It was hard to fundraise for myself in some ways, even after I've raised literally millions of dollars for organizations and other people. But it was a big part of me claiming for myself my right and my need to take these journeys, and I got huge validation from my community through this fundraising drive. I also started the year right with a belated birthday party for myself.

Those two trips were the double-whammy of my spring, hitting me with a load of intense emotions, from joy to sorrow to anger and everything in between. I learned a lot about my family during those trips, and therefore about myself, about my roots and where my weird quirks and values come from.

As I said in an earlier post, I did a lot of other traveling this year, much more than I ever have before, logging a bunch of miles on my Southwest Rapid Rewards account in the process. I traveled a bunch for work. I moved into a new position at work this past year, one that was both stressful and challenging in a positive way. My time management and control issues were definitely put to the test, and I realized that I can't do everything, and shit, that's really okay. It was also the first time in many years that I worked a full year at full-time at one job, only doing a few contract gigs here and there. That was interesting. I don't think it's necessarily the right career option for me for the rest of my life (I like having more flexibility and independence), but it's been good to get grounded in one place again after working on a bunch of different projects for the past few years. And CFJ is also a great place to work.

I did a two-week stint at VONA this year, one week with my long-time creative hero Jessica Hagedorn, and a second week with my new creative hero Chris Abani. I learned more in those two weeks than I had all year about my writing, and what I need to do to move it forward. Thanks Jessica and Chris, for reals.

Lastly, but definitely not least, H. and I got engaged (there was no proposal involved, just FYI, we just discussed it and decided it was the right time, in our typical non-conventional fashion). We've been planning our wedding for the past couple months. You can read more about that on my wedding blog.

It's been a bit of a whirlwind year, but a lot of good things that I've been wanting to do for a long time happened. And the best part of it is that I had a major if not the main role in making them happen. It was a good year for self-empowerment. Damn, it was just a good year! Thanks to all of you for supporting and encouraging me throughout the year, and for reading my blog.

I look forward to a happy, fulfilling, (hopefully) peaceful, and prosperous new year with all of you. I really believe that the best is yet to come.

List: Why I Hardly Write About Politics on this Blog

1. A lot, and I mean A LOT, of other people write about politics from a much more well-informed and articulate voice than mine. For starters, see some of the links right here in the margins of my blog. Not that I read much political stuff either, except for sometimes Harper's because it's just really well-written and takes interesting perspectives on stuff. I have to admit that a lot of other political writing puts me to sleep. Maybe I'm afraid of putting people to sleep too!

2. I am self-centered. At least I'm honest about it. I've read plenty of other blogs by so-called 'conscious' or political people who really just talk about their friends and their opinions anyway, so why not just put it all out there and be transparent? This blog is about me and my life, and as much as politics touches my life--which of course politics do quite frequently, in very real ways--I may post something about politics here. I try not to be too self-centered in my everyday life, so I figure I can use this space to be a bit of an ego-hog if I like. Besides, I feel like a lot of leftists are so obsessed with politics and not enough with examining the problems and issues in their own lives that they end up being some really frakked up people, if you know what I mean.

3. I don't feel like I have a lot to contribute to the 'political debate' that may not completely offend others, and I'm not trying to offend people in this blog. I really am not trying to invite some crazy right-wing and/or racist lurkers to read my blog and start trying to post some ill comments. Of course, I could just moderate them out of existence but I'm way too honest to do that, and then it might just get out of hand.

4. It seems like this blog ends up mostly being used by my friends and acquaintances to keep up on my life and hear more about what I'm thinking about life. And that's just fine by me. In our frenzied and over-scheduled urban American society, I have so little time to keep up with friends and folks that my blog ends up doing that for me. To me, that's a good use of technology!

And one more thing--tomorrow's my birthday! So wish self-centered me a nice happy one.

List: What I'm Going to Do for the Next 2 Weeks

1. Get Christmas out of the way first. Not that I don't like Christmas, I actually enjoy it quite a bit. But I'm not very religious about it and I don't get too caught up in the gift-buying craze, especially now that H. and I are saving for the wedding. I like to get small, thoughtful gifts that please people and make them feel as if someone listened to them. I like to give people what they want. I like to just give gifts to people, really. I'm a giver. No wonder I'm a fundraiser then, eh? I'm a professional counselor to givers!

2. Stay at home and clean my house. It's been a long, sometimes tough, and very busy year for me. At last count I'd made 12 out of town trips this past year, including going to meet my father for the first time, going to the Philippines, to the Rockwood Leadership program for four days, to Portland for a conference I trained at, and to LA three times for work. I also got to go to Louisville, Kentucky for work which was interesting and fun (really!). So my house is a mess. I haven't organized squat in my house in months. And what better time than the cold winter to hole up with the heater on and get to cleanin'?

3. Write. I have a lot of material knocking around in my head, waiting to be poured out onto the page. I've realized that I need to just do my writing when I have the time, and not beat myself up so badly about not being able to make the time when I'm super-busy and stressed-out about work, the wedding, my father-in-law being ill, and the holidays. It's pretty crazy, and telling, that even during this wacky month of holidays I find myself guilt-tripping myself--'What, you can't do all of this AND write 100 pages too?? What's wrong with you?"

4. Read. I set a goal of reading/finishing four books (two of which I've already started) this break. I'm off until Monday, January 7, 2008 so i think I can do it. I've been reading a lot more lately than I have in a long time. It feels good.

5. Wedding planning. We're going to book our photographer this week (had a great meeting with Hasain Rasheed and his partner, Joanna Kaplan, about working with them; it's pretty much a go--I mean, look at those amazing photos! And they were really cool, nice people to boot. Had a good feeling about them as soon as we walked in the door).

That's it! That's enough. I decided it was too crazy to try and pack more stuff into my winter break. I know for some people this already might seem like a long list, but, hey I'm a Type-A Capricorn. I like to keep busy!

You are cordially invited...

...to check out my new blog on weddings, marriage, and the insanity of the 'bridal industry'.

And no, we are not going to have the word 'cordially' on our wedding invitations. ;)

The Constant Planner

What can I say? I love planning things. Almost as much--no, sometimes as much if not more--as implementing those plans. Case in point: as we near the end of the calendar and our fiscal year for my organization, I find myself getting excited about drafting a new annual fundraising plan and quarterly workplans in Excel worksheets. Sick, huh? Actually, I know that without people like me the world would be a very unorganized, slightly confused, and not as great place. I really do feel that in my heart.

Second case in point: I was the chair of the event committee for a big fundraiser for a nonprofit on whose board I sit, which was held back in October. It was a good fundraiser, went off well, although I think the planning process itself wasn't that fun for me. I was just way to busy with other things to be very present during the process, and sent lots of late night emails to the various people I was working on it with, and begrudgingly went to meetings. I also knew that planning this fundraiser was keeping me from moving forward as quickly as I wanted to on my wedding planning and I felt a little resentful of that. But when it was over, it felt good, and I told myself--time to move on!

So I started planning the wedding in earnest. You can read more about that on my my other blog. It's been a little stressful, but it's been fun. I especially love going to venues to check them out for the ceremony and reception, and I can't wait 'til we start trying different caterers' food. But it's been a time suck, to be sure, and I find myself reflexively searching for wedding favor ideas or wedding dresses online when I probably should be writing or cleaning the house or something. I get a bit obsessive; it's a personality trait I'm working on.

So it's funny that within all this big-event planning what I'm getting excited about this week is planning yet another event; H.'s birthday is in a week and a half and I'm going to throw him a small get-together with friends (not completely a surprise but he doesn't know the details of the event). I love making the invite list and then sending that initial email out to everyone to get the ball rolling. I also love looking for stuff to do that night online (if anyone knows of any good stuff happening in the City on Sat., Dec. 15 lemme know). So really, I think it's not just planning, but event planning that gets me going.

It feels good to plan things, feels good to get things done and know that I thought it through so that I could get things done easily and with less hassle. I don't know if this puts a damper on my sense of spontaneity--who am I kidding, of course it does!--but I know that it helps me relax when I finally get to the big day, knowing that every detail has been thought of, every emergency has a point person to handle it (even if it's me), and that everything is going to be okay.

On Children

Been thinking a lot lately about children--my future children, the children currently in my life, and the plight of children in general in this country and in this world. I guess it's because the winter holiday season has swung into high gear, and because I'm in wedding-planning mode (went to try on dresses today--what an ordeal, but that's another story) that I have children on my mind. My favorite song about children is 'On Children' by Sweet Honey in the Rock. I was talking about children and that song today with my friend A.--how a lot of people I know who don't even like children all that much are having children and falling in love with them, or at least, fallling in love with their own children, but how many people don't see looking out for the welfare of all children as a priority in their lives. How many folks just want little replicas of themselves running around, and don't understand the unique spiritual role that children play not only in our lives, but in the future of the planet. And that our roles as parents and supportive adults in their lives is not to mold them into our own images, or to treat them like highly prized pets, but to be the stable, rock-steady foundation for them (or 'bows' as Gibran calls us below) so that they can move forward into their own future. A. agreed, then told me something I didn't know, that that song is based on a poem by Khalil Gibran. So I looked it up, and here it is.

On Children
by Khalil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Cylons 'R' Us

I love Battlestar Galactica, the new version, of course (I don't really remember the old one, although H. does, and likes that one too). And we just finished (finally!) watching all of Season 3, with its tear-your-hair-out cliffhanging ending, which included the revelation of the identities of four of the 'Final Five' (or F5 if you're really a geek) Cylons, a different breed of Cylon from the first seven (or 'Significant Seven', as Ron Moore and the other BSG crew call them). There are tons of theories swirling around the blogosphere right now about who the fifth and final Cylon is, and I have my own opinions, which I will be sharing tonite at a Battlestar Galactica Razor screening at Ludovic's place. Fascinating stuff. I don't know if it's just that I love the show so much, or that I'm trying to study and absorb as many ideas about narrative and plot structure from great shows and books and movies as I can as I write my own 'galactic bible' for my novel, but this shit is just so interesting to me. Check out this great write-up on the functions of the F5, as well as this one, written by someone who I hope is at least getting paid good money for his 'study' of BSG backstory and Colonial / Cylon philosophy.

Geeks of the world unite! Frackin'-A!

Oh my Gosh! A Reading!

I haven't done a public reading of my work in ages. I don't count VONA readings because they're only semi-public and are part of such a supportive atmosphere that the butterflies in my stomach beforehand are more about wanting to impress my peers than fearing that I'll be booed off the stage.

So I'm excited and a little bit nervous about this reading I'm doing next Monday, November 26 at Cover to Cover bookstore in Noe Valley in the City. I'll be reading an (as-yet-unfinished) essay on 'togetherness' as a positive trait in immigrant families. I have an idea of what I'm going to write about and therefore read about. Should be interesting. The reading is being organized by my old work buddy Jeremy Adam Smith, quite an accomplished freelance writer and blogger in his own right, who's the managing editor at Greater Good magazine, in which a brief version of my essay was recently published.

So if you'll be in the neighborhood or don't have anything else happening for you on the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend, come through and help me calm my butterflies. I promise I'll do my very best to impress you.

BSG Razor!

I haven't had time to post my own reactions to the Battlestar Galactica Razor extended episode. I'll cheat and post someone else's interesting take on the feature. If you don't want to read any spoilers, don't bother. Suffice it to say that it's a damn good piece of television, and that I was lucky enough to be one of the thousands of people across the country that got to watch a free big-screen version of it last week. Aren't you jealous?

Crazy (re: SF Bay Oil Spill)

The images of oil-soaked waterfowl and an oil-streaked San Francisco Bay are just heartbreaking, and infuriating. Please donate supplies or money or volunteer as you can to help with the cleanup effort. Officials are warning people not to go to beaches on your own to do cleanup, as the fuel that was spilled is extremely hazardous. You must be trained first to help with birds and other cleanup efforts. The Baykeeper site has updated info.

And, oh yeah, stop driving your car so much! Get on the bus or BART or walk already, for God's sake. This is all just too much.

Food, Love and Moms

Great post here from Renita Weems. Thinking about it as I eat the warming, delicious arroz caldo, which I 'requested' (a word I heard a lot in the Philippines to describe when someone asked for a certain kind of food to be brought back to the States from the islands) my mom make for me this week. I've been sick with a bad cold and cough and it was just what I needed.

I've learned how to make arroz caldo myself, but there's something special about having your mom make you a dish like this. It's made with love and care, for sure, but for me it's also special because my mom and I haven't always had a good relationship. It's been rocky, to say the least, and fraught with many difficult tensions and ongoing dramas that I'd rather not get into right now.

But food has always been something we had in common, something we could use to comfort ourselves and each other, something we both loved. If there's anyone I got my foodie-gene from, it was definitely my mom. She and I like to go to new restaurants (for her) together. H. and I took her to Roy's in San Francisco for her 60th birthday. She tells me she now prefers baby salad greens and balsamic vinaigrette over iceberg lettuce and Wishbone salad dressing. She brags to people about how I introduced her to Vietnamese, faux-meat and gourmet Indian food.

And most importantly, food is the biggest way that my mom confidently, easily can show me that she loves me. And it's the easiest way for me to accept her love, no strings attached and no drama involved.

Insomnia's Good for Getting Stuff Done

Like emailing everyone that's coming to my house this weekend for a one-day writing retreat, including Mel and a bunch of other VONA alumni. It'll be fun to see everyone and to have a space where I can finally focus on my writing for a while.

I've been feeling very frustrated by my inability to write while holding down a full-time job, planning my wedding for next year, trying to have a social life and taking care of my home and relationship. I know, I know, what's wrong with me! I've toyed with the idea of attending an MFA program to help give me this structure, and right now I'm seriously thinking that it might be the way to go for me. I've done my fair share of writing without having that structure to rely on, and it's worked for me to an extent, but I feel like it's going to be really difficult for me to prioritize my writing, deepen my writing practice and really hone my craft unless I devote some serious time and energy to it.

Hence, my late-night Googling to research low-residency programs. I've already received information in the past about Goddard (the alma mater of Junse Kim, one of my writing teachers) as well as Warren Wilson and a few other low res programs that I've heard of from other writers. I'm also checking out the local schools, like Mills, etc., but I'm feeling like I need to get out of my safe little comfort zone of the Bay Area and learn how to interact with other human life forms.

Things at work have been a bit challenging as of late as well, leading me to be dissatisfied with the part of my life that sucks up a good 40-50 hours a week. It's so hard to stay motivated sometimes, I have to remind myself why I'm doing this work and getting paid so little. I'm trying to hold out and stay on track with my own professional development goals, but it's hard sometimes, I'll tell ya.

Okay, back to MFA research. Hope I get to sleep more than a few hours tonite. But if I don't, at least I will have gotten some stuff done.

Hurry hurry, slow down, hurry hurry!

That has to be the slogan/mantra/life philosophy of this country: speed up to slow down to speed up. The one thing I learned to appreciate in the Philippines was the pace of life, how despite the enormous burdens and incredibly taxing physical work and living conditions that most people there live with, they don't do anything at a very fast pace and thus experience some happiness and still seem to have a good time despite it all. Like my auntie, who has twelve children and five grand-children, worked hard all her life and has the leathered skin and tough hands to prove it, but still manages to be one of the sweetest, most serene people I know.

Things have been crazy for me and H. lately: car troubles; a not-serious (at least for us) accident we were 'involved' in the other night (I say 'involved' because I don't think we were at fault and we didn't even hit anything); I just got done helping to coordinate this event for a group I'm on the board of; work has given me a crapload of deadlines (including an unanticipated one this week that I'm miraculously going to be able to meet). Now that most of the craziness is dying down, I find myself moving into the 'slow down' mode of our national 'culture', if you can call it that. Really, I think it's a national sickness.

I want to learn how to be serene and calm and grounded despite all the madness that life throws at me. I'm tired of hurrying up to slow down, despite my addiction to activity and work and deadlines. I need to sit still. Of course, my meditation cushions have been steadily gathering dust in my closet for many months now, and there's a people of color sit I've been wanting to get to in Oakland, just a few blocks from my job! So there's something strong pulling me to resist the urge to sit, just sit, and be still. I need to move through that resistance and just do it. Wish me luck.

Hobbies I've Had, Never Had

In my lifetime thusfar, I've had plenty of hobbies, some that may seem odd or ill-fitting my personality. Here are a few hobbies or interests I've had, many of which I no longer pursue:

-Calligraphy
-Kali (Filipino martial art)
-Meditation (always struggling to sit)
-Fiction writing
-Poetry-writing
-Stamp-collecting
-Sticker-collecting (when I was a young girl)
-Bead-stringing and jewelry-making (when I worked at a bead store, I still have a crapload of beads)
-Salsa dancing (one of my favorite ways to release and relax)
-Hiking (I still try to go at least once a month)
-Jazz, ballet, tap, modern dance
-Gardening (in containers)
-Playing piano and guitar
-Yoga (still do it almost every day)

Then there are the hobbies and interests that I've kept waiting in the wings, so to speak, the things that I've always wanted to 'get into' but haven't gotten around to making part of my life. Not a coincidence, I don't think, that these are some of the more adventurous, outdoorsy, require-more-time-and-money-investment hobbies:

-Hang gliding
-Sea kayaking
-Sailing
-Backpacking
-Quilting
-Knitting
-Playing electric bass

Someday, someday, I will get to one or all of these other as-yet-untouched hobbies. Just blogging to remind myself that they're just there, waiting for me, like promises.

Yes, We're Gettin' Hitched

Well, the truth is we're already more 'hitched' than many married couples...H. and I have been together for more than five years, have lived together for more than three of those years, and although we haven't gone to couples counseling or been officially married at City Hall, a chapel in Las Vegas or a nearby beach we've gone through a lot more ups, downs and life-changing moments than many couples who've made it to the altar already.

Maybe that's why when we first announced our plans to get married next year to family and friends, I wasn't super-thrilled about the news, didn't blush with that bride-to-be enthusiasm that so many people seemed to expect me to have. It's not that I'm not thrilled to be commemorating my love for H. with a ceremony and a party with all our friends and family. It's only partially because I feel ambivalent about marriage as an institution, fraught as it is with so many generations' worth of cultural baggage and strange societal expectations that have nothing to do with love and everything to do with perpetuating an insane economic and social system that I don't believe in. I think the real reason that I wasn't overenthused about our 'news' is that, in many ways, I feel married to H. already.

He is my best friend, closest confidante, and favorite person to be around, hands down. He has taught me so much about life and love and friendship and I know I've done the same for him. It sounds cliche, but it's true, he's helped me become a better person, and I know that I'm not the only person who's noticed this. I've never felt more spiritually and emotionally close to someone, although don't get me wrong, we have our 'off' moments to be sure. We fight, we threaten to leave (well, I do, I guess), we have our doubts about whether this relationship is going to work. But after all that, we always come back to each other, realizing how our fears and insecurities have gotten in the way of us recognizing what's really important: that we want to build a life and a family together that will carry both of us as well as our children-to-be, our respective families (soon-to-be one family) and our community of friends forward into a better and happier future.

We've been on that road for some time already, and I see our 'engagement' (it feels funny to say that word, especially since he didn't officially propose, we just decided as a couple to do this) and our upcoming wedding as just a ceremonial way to mark that H. and I have chosen this path together.

Lastly, I've finally gotten juiced about planning the big day--as some of you know I've organized my fair share of fundraising and other big events in recent years--so I'm feeling like the momentum is really starting to build. Wish us luck finding a ceremony and reception site, and let me know if you have any ideas about nice places.

Moon-full

The moon is outrageously, ridiculously, deliciously bright tonite. She is shining so bright that I don't need artificial light in my house, am sitting here in the 'dark' with my laptop the only unnatural illumination inside, even the streetlamps outside pale in comparison to the pregnant moon hanging like a black-backed sun in the sky.

I just wrote a piece that I may or may not share on this blog at some point, a short freewrite about what I really want in my life. The moon (and a nice strong rum and coke from Cafe Van Kleef's, courtesy of M.) is my inspiration tonite. She is filling me with crazy ideas. Did you know the word 'lunatic' comes from the Latin word for 'moon' (luna). Of course you did. That's why you are probably outside right now as I write this, howling at the moon like a coyote, and making your sad, repressed neighbors tsk-tsk to themselves, hanging out their windows, silently wishing that they could be howling at that brilliant white disk in the sky, just like you.

Perfect Saturday

Feel like this is my idea of a perfect Saturday, sitting here blogging after a relatively full afternoon of organizing and cleaning the various piles of clutter in my home (mainly my home office and books, am going to tackle the junk on my dresser in the bedroom next). I'm not feeling my best--that time of the month, y'know? Sorry to those of you for whom that's TMI (too much information)--and putzing around the house clearing old junk and recycling random papers I'm not sure why I keep is somehow therapeutic for me, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Sometimes, at times like this, though, I feel like my life--and the lives of many of you reading this blog, as well as the lives of many of those living around us--must be a fraud, a sham, a strange and utter illusion. Because beyond the transparent borders of our relatively neat, precious and well-organized lives, full of busyness and activity, work and play and family and social activities, lies a world of war. No, I'm no exaggerating, there is a world at war around us, and it is too easy, most of the time, to ignore this world.

But I'm not going to sit here and quote statistics to you about how many US soldiers have been killed in Iraq or my friends and family members who have loved ones there. I'm not going to talk how ridiculously racist and inhumane it is to only talk about the lives of these soldiers as if they are the only ones that mattered, or pontificate about how unjust this war is. All I want to do is acknowledge it, and bring some attention to my own lack of awareness of war. And not just the war in Iraq, but the wars being waged in our own neighborhoods, communities, cities, states, our own country. While I count myself blessed to not be an active perpetrator or recipient of the violence that rages around me--and know that I have helped construct my life in a way that I don't deal with many of these wars, and that can be a very good thing--I still want to acknowledge the suffering and rage and bitterness that exists because of it.

So there, I've done it. And hopefully gotten you to do it too.

Feeling Better, Books on the Side

Wasn't feeling well today--icky, blue, fatigued, out of it. I slept a bit, chilled at home, did a little work, took it easy. Now I can't sleep so I've been catching up on my online social networking (yes, I've been bitten by the bug). A cool thing that they just started on Goodreads is a widget you can post on your blog or web site or myspace page showing what books you've read or are reading or want to read. You can check mine out by scrolling down--see the little box in the righthand column? Go ahead, click it. You know you want to.

Wishing I'd Been Drunk in Paris

Had a drink with my good friend A. tonite at Cafe Van Kleef in downtown Oakland, probably my favorite after-work bar. Near the front door there is a small, chalkboard sign that 'advertises' a short menu of Provencale dishes: salade nicoise, poulet, a couple other items. I say 'advertise' because the only food you can get at Van Kleef's is spicy popcorn and maybe a hot dog if you're lucky.

But still, the place does remind me of Paris: the slightly grungy, quirky, charming collection of random art--sculptures, paintings, found objects, glass embedded in the counter outside, a random brass trumpet, a ladder near the back wall that doesn't seem to go anywhere or serve any purpose besides as a trellis for other random artworks; the slightly bohemian, smoky, dark ambiance; the French tricolore flag (or is it Belgian? isn't Van Kleef a Belgian or German name?) hanging limply, like an old rag, in the entryway. The foreign music they frequently play, from Buena Vista Social Club to 'C'est Si Bon'.

The drinks are strong and moderately priced here: $8 for a good, stiff but sweet Sidecar, which is what A. and I had. I always get tipsy just from one drink. And you can smoke outside, which is nice. Another touch of l'experience parisienne.

Funny, I realized today as I sat talking to A. and getting tipsy off my Sidecar, that H. and I didn't get drunk at all in Paris. We had a couple glasses of wine with our meals, yes, but we didn't go, as our friend V. adamantly suggested, to a bar au vin for an eminently French experience. Oh, well. There's always next time.

I've been craving being in Paris lately, and tonite, for an hour or so, I got to feel like I was there, even if it was a Canadian cigarette and not a Gauloise that I puffed on, and even if people were speaking English et pas francais. It's all good. For a little bit, I got a taste of Paris, right here in Oakland.

Soup in the Air

What the hell is the Bay Area turning into? LA? Did you see that smog-soup that's passed for air yesterday? And it's back today! My theory is that people were so excited about the Bay Bridge being open again that they headed to cross it in droves. I mean, come on, the sun is frickin' ORANGE!!

Rest in Power: Manong Bill Sorro

I don't have Bill's birth and death years to post, but I'm sure in the days and weeks to follow, many facts and feelings about Bill will pour forth from the pens of his many admirers, comrades, friends and spiritual / political "children". I feel blessed to have known him, even a little, working with him politically a bit through Filipino civil rights work, and more socially through friends who were lucky enough to have more day-to-day interactions with Bill through their work at Mission Housing, SOMCAN, and other key San Francisco organizations..

I've always enjoyed running into Bill at community events, rallies, readings, meetings. He always had a smile and a hug ready. I felt a real love radiating out from him towards the people around him, a quality that's very rare in these cynical days, even within progressive circles. Bill always encouraged members of the younger generation of activists like myself, who often came to those events with a lot of energy and were sometimes greeted less-than-enthusiastically by other movement veterans who, I felt, didn't quite know what to do with us. Bill was a tireless advocate for the poor, the oppressed, for Filipinos and especially for the manongs (elders) who were displaced from the International Hotel in San Francisco. Bill was one of a handful of thoroughly committed activists (many of whom started the Manilatown Heritage Foundation) who saw the fight to save the I-Hotel through from beginning to end--a thirty-plus-year community battle that was eventually won. I'm sure that Bill was and is proud of the fact that an exhibit commemorating his contributions to that fight is now housed at the new I-Hotel on Kearny and Jackson Streets in San Francisco's Chinatown/North Beach district.

Actually, the first time I saw Bill was on film, before I ever met him, and before I knew who he was, when I watched--and was transformed by--the Fall of the I-Hotel, a documentary about this struggle for dignity and housing. Bill was just a young buck back then, living in the Hotel and fighting alongside the elderly tenants for the right to live in what was left of a once-thriving Manilatown in San Francisco. If you haven't seen this movie, you have to. It's not only an amazing documentary but it's a beautiful testimony to the spirit of that struggle and of people like Bill who helped make it one of the most visible and significant movements for housing rights in this country.

Inherently tied to Bill's dedication to radical activism and empowering the oppressed was his sweet, generous, loving and funny spirit. Aside from seeing the warmth and fire he brought to political events, I especially loved to see him with his equally warm, generous and amazing wife, Giuliana (aka "Huli") Milanese. While Bill and Huli seemed to snip and snap at each other the way lots of long-time married folks do, there was always a sweet layer of flirtation woven throughout these mock 'arguments', a sweetness that I hoped I'd be able to find with another person someday the way Bill and Huli had found with each other.

I won't say much more about Bill because others will be much more eloquent than me in their eulogizing of him. Eric Mar, the folks at POOR Magazine and Portside have started doing so on their blogs. Suffice it to say that the movement has lost one of our great champions, who had a heart that was wide-open and full of love, and an unmatched passion for justice that burned in his veins. Those two things don't always go hand in hand, but in Bill, they were one and the same.

Rest in peace and power, Manong Bill. We miss you and love you and will never, ever forget you.

It's Almost Over

Summer, that is. And along with the end of summer comes an old, familiar nostalgia for longer days, heat and that special sunshine brightness of those three middle months of the year. And now that I'm not in school anymore and don't have the fun, slightly festive ritual of goinig back to school to help me make the transition to fall, I feel like I have to create new rituals--consciously or not--to help ease the way. For example, I bought myself a new backpack because I was tired of lugging multiple bags around carrying my random possessions around all the time, and I liked the ease of just carrying one thing on my back. I realized today that I bought it around the same time that back to school shopping season started. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Nice

I just got out of bed after laying there for a while listening to H.'s breathing. First time in a while that I haven't had to set an alarm to wake me up for work or some other commitment (like leaving early to go watch Andy Palacio and the Garifuna Collective at Stern Grove a couple weekends ago). It always feels nice to just be able to wake up on your own, without a loud ringing in your ear, and get up when you feel like it.

I walked into the kitchen to make my daily cup of Chinese herbal tea, and looked at the clock: 10:01am. Damn. I haven't slept in this late in--I can't even remember when. Most days I get up by 7:30am, even in the Philippines when I was on vacation, because it was too damn hot to sleep past 7am. I recall the 'old days' when I was living the carefree college life in Berkeley, how some days when I wasn't holding down a weekend job (really just the last year that i was doing organizing on campus and no longer attending classes), I would sleep 'til noon, 2pm, 3pm, after having gone out the night before or stayed up late talking to my roommates (who had their own crazy hours and lives).Now, at 35 years of age, I'm shocked when I don't get up 'til 10am.

I'm not sure whether that's sad or interesting or cool. It just is nice right now to have a little time to myself, and to not have a million things to do today that I wake up knowing I won't be able to finish. I've also been traveling a lot this year, for work and family and personal stuff. On my flight to Portland last weekend for a conference at which I helped train with GIFT, I tallied up the number of trips requiring plane travel that I'd taken thusfar in 2007. It came to about once a month, or seven trips. Ugh. Travel is wearying, especially when it's required for work or when your flights are longer than 3 hours a leg or entail having long-ass layovers (which many of my flights this year did).

So suffice it to say that it feels good to not plan on traveling anywhere requiring a plane flight for the rest of the year--unless we decide to take a funder trip to New York at some point in the fall, that is--and to know that for the next few weekends I have a little more time to settle in at home, clean my house, organize my home office, finish filing my taxes (almost done! Just have to send them some money), and work on my writing. And spend some time with friends and family, which I've been doing a little more of lately, trying to take advantage of the nice weather.

Today, I have a whole day uninterrupted to do all these things. I may have plans later this evening, but it's all good. Although waking up later does leave you with less daylight hours to accomplish all the things on your to-do list. But the extra sleep was obviously needed.

Speaking of taking advantage of (what I hope turns out to be) a pretty day and good weather, any of y'all in the Oakland area should come by to the "Taste of Park" block party at the little rec center across the street from the Parkway Theater on Park Boulevard and 3rd Avenue, today and tomorrow. My baby DJ Hen10 will be playing a quick set today in the park, and I'm guessing there'll be lots of families with kids and fun things to do. I'll either be out there checking out the vibe and eating some food, or holed up in a cafe across the street getting writing done or mopping my floors at home. Call me if you wanna meet up.

Peace,
Rona

Rest in Peace: Chauncey Bailey

I and many other Oaklanders and supporters of the Black press are still reeling from the recent murder of Chauncey Bailey, a well-respected community journalist, last week.

The themes that this tragic incident bring up for me are, again, literacy and the power of writing to shake loose entrenched power structures, to speak truth to power. My experiences over the past few months seem to be pointing me in the direction of taking my writing to the next level, and Chauncey's death and my feelings about it are just another sign that I need to pursue my writing more seriously. His death has affirmed for me that writing can be one of the most powerful acts in the world.

I didn't know Mr. Bailey, had never even heard of him before his death this past week. But as I walked to work the other day, I encountered his spirit in the palpable emotion and heaviness I felt when I walked by the police barricades near Alice and 14th Streets in downtown Oakland. I asked a police officer what was going on; he told me someone had been shot, killed. I kept walking closer to the crime scene (everything had been cleaned up by then but a small crowd had gathered) to find out more. Now, for the non-Oaklander folks reading my blog, despite what you may have heard or what you believe about Oakland, walking through downtown at 9:30am and finding a murder scene isn't a normal occurrence. I asked a woman standing near the intersection if she knew what was going on; she'd been walking with a man who was talking on his cell phone, saying something about 'machine gunned'. I figured she knew something.

"Someone was killed," she told me. I asked if she knew who it was. "Chauncey Bailey, the editor of the Oakland Post." My mouth fell open. I knew the Post as a respected Black newspaper in the East Bay. I've read it off and on over the years, and am a big supporter of the ethnic press in general, as many stories that mainstream news outlets won't tell appear in Chinese, African-American, Spanish-language and other ethnic media.

"He was a friend," the woman said. I weakly mumbled "sorry", knowing that nothing I could say could comfort her at that moment. Before I could voice my fear of why Mr. Bailey had been killed, she voiced it for me.

"I guess he was writing some stuff that someone didn't like," she said. I shook my head, tears springing to my eyes. No, I didn't know him, but when writers are killed for writing controversial stories, you know democracy is truly dead. And while I don't really believe that our country (or this city for that matter, progressive as it can be at times) is a democracy, it's rare that I witness first-hand how much our society has degenerated into madness.

I left the scene after a few minutes, kept walking to work, my mind reeling. I hoped in a twisted way that this man had been shot over some personal or financial matter--borrowed money from the wrong people, that kind of thing. Because that would've been easier to handle than knowing that he'd been killed for writing something someone didn't agree with.

As I walked towards my office, I saw three people--two women and one man--walking swiftly towards the 14th and Alice intersection, urgently talking on their cell phones the way I'd seen the man do earlier. The woman stopped halfway down one block and started crying loudly. I've seen her in the newspaper photos from the scene of Mr. Bailey's killing.

Many of us in Oakland know that Mr. Bailey's death, tragic and insane as it was, is just one of the many murders in Oakland over the past several years. While I don't think any of those deaths are any more significant than any other, it's clear that because of his prominent position in the community and his role as a leading community journalist, Mr. Bailey's death has earned more media coverage and attention than those of the dozens of other Oaklanders who have been murdered. I only hope that, true to his muckraking spirit, his death provokes our city's leaders and residents to take a good, hard look at what can be done to truly end the senseless violence in Oakland, and inspire us to stop blaming each other, pointing fingers at thugs or gangsters or politicians or cops as the sole 'reasons' for the violence. We should all be intelligent enough to know by now that the social and political and economic forces that have created this situation are much more complex than that.

And in the end, I believe that in some way we all contribute to this problem of senseless violence whether it's by not being involved in what's happening in our neighborhood, or by not trying to talk to our neighbors, or by turning our backs on the youth and poor people in our community that, if not provided with the right support, information and guidance, may turn to crime in order to 'get ahead' or just plain survive in a harsh, often hostile world.

I also hope that the other middle-class, relatively new Oakland residents like myself understand and not judge the resentment that those who have been here much longer feel when the only time that crime in Oakland is paid the attention it deserves is when it happens in supposedly 'safer' areas like downtown Oakland or Piedmont Avenue or Lakeshore, or happen to white people. It's a justified resentment, and has everything to do with race and class and the changing demographics of Oakland. I still consider myself a 'new' Oakland resident and I've lived here for the better part of 15 years. But that's still very different than being born and raised in Oakland, so you folks out there that haven't even been here for a year or two better get that straight right away if you want to be part of the solution and not the problems here.

We're all in this together. And it's fitting that National Night Out is coming up this Tuesday, August 7th. There are at least three events happening within a seven-block radius of my house that night, and I'll be attending at least two of them. I think I'll need to go just to witness some of the positive things about Oakland that sometimes are easy to forget when we hear about killings and violence: people of all colors getting to know each other, getting along, trying to make Oakland a better place.

And I hope this night--and other efforts that people living and working in Oakland continue to make to build a stronger and more peaceful community--makes Mr. Chauncey Bailey smile a little, wherever he is now. Thank you, Mr. Bailey, for asking the tough questions and for doing your part in speaking truth to power. You've inspired me, and I know you've inspired many, many others.